[QUOTE=msmith537]
Whoa hold on a second! We haven’t even started talking about marriage yet! 
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, if you want a woman to be in your life, get used to the idea of doing stuff you hate. Or learn to love shopping for women’s shoes.
[QUOTE=tdn]
Yeah, if you want a woman to be in your life, get used to the idea of doing stuff you hate. Or learn to love shopping for women’s shoes.
[/QUOTE]
Then why do you want a woman in your life, again?
You guys seem to be joking around, but I hear a lot of people say similar stuff and they’re not. Prize catches, they are.
[QUOTE=Telperien]
Then why do you want a woman in your life, again?
[/QUOTE]
Hot monkey sex.
[QUOTE=tdn]
Hot monkey sex.
[/QUOTE]
At least you’re honest.
[QUOTE=Telperien]
Then why do you want a woman in your life, again?
You guys seem to be joking around, but I hear a lot of people say similar stuff and they’re not. Prize catches, they are.
[/QUOTE]
tdn’s comment aside (and yes, hot monkey sex is a benefit)…
It’s a true statement that you’ll have to go shopping for shoes. It’s also true that she’ll have to stand beside you while you drool over reciprocating saws.
If you have a requirement for your complete selfishness in a relationship, then you’re better off not getting into a relationship. Give and take and all that.
At this point all this stuff about not wanting to play games, and not wanting to fake attributes to play the romance game and all the above stuff becomes a much simpler explanation. The answer to why you’re single is “I’m too selfish to give up any control of my life.”
[QUOTE=tdn]
The thing is, there is an unfortunate stigma around RPGs and comic book conventions. A lot of people on the outside view such things as geeky, nerdy, places where mama’s boy losers go. And in many cases, they’re not wrong. (Yes, some very cool people go to them as well, but the stigma is still in place. And that sucks.) And those things typically draw far more men than women, and the few women that do attend them tend not to be supermodels. That’s three strikes against them right there.
But those are just a few challenges to be overcome. No big deal. I think what msmith is saying is that you need to find a few extra venues, and expand your interests. I wholeheartedly agree.
And just as a datapoint, my last GF wasn’t really a gamer, but she was fascinated by it, and occasionally participated. I could entertain her for hours talking about my latest session. But I never would have met her if conventions were my only place to meet people.
Here’s something to think about. A lot of gamers are really lacking in social skills. While a convention has far more men than women, if you have excellent social skills, you have a HUGE advantage at those places.
[/QUOTE]
And you are making assumptions. I didn’t say a word about RPGs or comic book conventions. (Never been to a comic book convention, would like to hit San Diego some time.) And you are both assuming I am a geek who can’t talk to someone without going on about gaming or Star Trek. Sorry, wrong guy.
As for expanding my interests, you mean I should look for things besides history, music, politics, travel, photography, computers, and yes, comic books? Oh yeah, and the gaming (board, card, computer, miniatures, etc.) and SF/Fantasy. I only have so much time and money. Almost forgot, National Parks, we have a fantastic National Park system in the US.
And I am not actually looking for someone when I go to a game convention, I am looking to play games. Which is good, because that last part you mentioned about excellent social skills? Average, yes they have improved to that point, but excellent? Not even close. Besides, looking at someone 25 years younger than me is nice, but dating them? Probably not the best idea. Most of them are not as exceptional as HazelNutCoffee.
msmith537, it is great you could go into Boston and go clubbing on Friday and Saturday night. When I was in my late 20s, I worked a job where I was on duty 24 hours a day, with one day a week off, plus one 3 day weekend a month. Clubbing was out. Right after that, it was a security guard job on 3rd shift, with Tuesday and Wednesday for a weekend. After that, it was 15 years of 2nd shift working on Friday nights, and on Saturdays I went and socialized with my friends.
Not only are you assuming I am a geek, you are assuming I have had the same opportunities for socializing. Even now I don’t have the same kinds of places for meeting people as someone in Boston. This has an affect on how things go for someone searching. Add in the fact that I am not running around looking, plus the kinds of interests most people in this area have, and it is not surprising I am single. And it isn’t killing me.
When I have been in major cities, I have enjoyed going places where people congregate. But I didn’t try to pick anyone up in the pub in London and I probably won’t in the American Museum of Natural History next week in NYC.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
tdn’s comment aside (and yes, hot monkey sex is a benefit)…
It’s a true statement that you’ll have to go shopping for shoes. It’s also true that she’ll have to stand beside you while you drool over reciprocating saws.
If you have a requirement for your complete selfishness in a relationship, then you’re better off not getting into a relationship. Give and take and all that.
At this point all this stuff about not wanting to play games, and not wanting to fake attributes to play the romance game and all the above stuff becomes a much simpler explanation. The answer to why you’re single is “I’m too selfish to give up any control of my life.”
[/QUOTE]
Let me get this straight. My (prospective) spouse doesn’t want to go shoe shopping with me. So I am supposed to force him to go? What am I, his mother?
[QUOTE=Telperien]
Let me get this straight. My (prospective) spouse doesn’t want to go shoe shopping with me. So I am supposed to force him to go?
[/QUOTE]
…and if you’re both at the mall, perhaps for something you want and he wants to go to the shoe section you’re going to say, “No”…
I’m just saying that in every relationship you’ll find yourself doing things the other wants to do that you don’t want to do. It’s just basic living-with-someone stuff. You have to be willing to do that (or find a dishrag for a mate).
[QUOTE=Belrix]
…and if you’re both at the mall, perhaps for something you want and he wants to go to the shoe section you’re going to say, “No”…
I’m just saying that in every relationship you’ll find yourself doing things the other wants to do that you don’t want to do. It’s just basic living-with-someone stuff. You have to be willing to do that (or find a dishrag for a mate).
[/QUOTE]
No, that’s when you split up and meet later. Like you do with friends.
Obviously I am not marriage material, since I can’t fathom not doing this.
[QUOTE=Telperien]
Obviously I am not marriage material, since I can’t fathom not doing this.
[/QUOTE]
I guess I’d have to agree with your statement. I think that “give and take” is part of every successful relationship and you don’t seem to be willing to do that.
Tying your life to somebody else’s, in my opinion, has great benefits and, yes, some inconveniences (not the least of which is fidelity). You don’t seem to be willing to be inconvenienced.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
I guess I’d have to agree with your statement. I think that “give and take” is part of every successful relationship and you don’t seem to be willing to do that.
Tying your life to somebody else’s, in my opinion, has great benefits and, yes, some inconveniences (not the least of which is fidelity). You don’t seem to be willing to be inconvenienced.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t know where you get this, when all I said was that I don’t understand forcing someone to shop with me. Where have I said that I don’t understand or want to participate in the give and take of a relationship?
I can fully understand, say, going to your spouse’s work or family function, even if you don’t like their co-workers or family, for support. But to me, that seems a lot different than shopping. Am I wrong? Are they equivalent to you?
And would you not agree that the difficult part is finding someone for whom you are willing to be “inconvenienced”?
[QUOTE=Telperien]
I don’t know where you get this, when all I said was that I don’t understand forcing someone to shop with me. Where have I said that I don’t understand or want to participate in the give and take of a relationship?
I can fully understand, say, going to your spouse’s work or family function, even if you don’t like their co-workers or family, for support. But to me, that seems a lot different than shopping. Am I wrong? Are they equivalent to you?
And would you not agree that the difficult part is finding someone for whom you are willing to be “inconvenienced”?
[/QUOTE]
You’re willing to go to an undesirable all-night work function for your spouse but not cross the mall to spend 15 minutes looking at shoes? I find this strange. Yes, I guess, to answer your question, I do think they’re equivalent. Different scales but still the same situation.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
Hi. OP returning.
Sorry - didn’t intend this tread to be depressing.
I have to agree with bppth above, though. While weight can reduce your chances of dating, I think self-esteem and self image are more important. If you’re staring at your shoes all the time or hiding in the corner, you’re not going to be noticed.
I’m hardly the most attractive man on this planet. On the whole I’d rate my self a solid “5”. If I lost 100 lbs, I might make it up to a “6”, who knows. I’m overweight. I’m bald. I’ve got a few crooked teeth.
I think what makes me attractive to some women, though, is that I don’t act like a “fat man” other than its limiting factors on my activity level. My one positive physical trait, I think is that I’m also tall, just shy of 6’3", and I think that helps with some dating. (It’s funny how many women’s ads on dating sites say something like, “I’m 5’8” and like to wear heels so you should be at least 5’11".)
So, my physical plus is that I’m tall. Big deal. Frankly I think the rest of it is that I fall into that category of “nice guy”. You know, the guy who has his yearbook signed again and again, “To Belrix, You’re a really nice guy.”
I used to think this a negative but after a woman has been stomped on a few times by the more exciting bad-boy type, she generally starts looking for a nice guy. My dating life as a middle-aged nice guy has been far better than it ever was in my teens and twenties, when all the women are still looking for the fun bad-boy to abuse them.
I used to be a serious introvert. I worked on it. I’m a pretty serious geek. I’ve learned to hide that a bit when meeting people at first, call it camouflage. In the end you have to reveal yourself for who you are but there’s no value in driving the woman away in the first 5 seconds by walking up and saying, “Hi, I’m Belrix. Who’s your favorite Next Gen character?”
I’m not picky about appearances - sure I find the slim 20-year old with perky breasts attractive - that’s just biology. I also am sure the she and I have nothing in common, she’s probably listening to music I’ve never heard, going to bars for fun, and has a lot of “OMG” stories to share that’ll make my eyes roll.
Give me a 40-year woman with an few life-induced bruises, an easy laugh, quick smile, bright eyes, and a sharp wit, though, and she’s simply beautiful. Sure, if she’s a busty red-head or brunette it’s a plus but attitude and actions speak far louder.
snip
[/QUOTE]
Hmmmm…Are you speaking to me?
[QUOTE=vivalostwages]
Hmmmm…Are you speaking to me?
[/QUOTE]
Have you been stomped on by bad boys?
[QUOTE=Zambini57]
I’m unwillingly single because I can’t find a woman who will come over maybe twice a week (picking up some Chinese food on the way), have dinner, watch baseball, have sex and then go home and not bother me for a few days.
[/QUOTE]
Change “baseball” to “hockey” and that sounds about perfect.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
You’re willing to go to an undesirable all-night work function for your spouse but not cross the mall to spend 15 minutes looking at shoes? I find this strange. Yes, I guess, to answer your question, I do think they’re equivalent. Different scales but still the same situation.
[/QUOTE]
I was right. You don’t understand. I would not make my husband go shoe shopping with me if he would rather not. It’s not necessary; I don’t need him with me for that, whereas I might ask for his support in the other instance. I prefer to shop alone, anyway. You have had it exactly backwards this whole time. Thank you for clarifying that last bit, though.
[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck]
and don’t be mistaken, attractiveness is the top 9 of 10 things people look for NO MATTER what they say. No exceptions. Sure, other things are important BUT ONLY after they are attractive to you. They can have everything you want but if they are not attractive, forget it…and if you are a ‘3’ and only find 5+ attractive…you will be lonely.
[/QUOTE]
Exception chiming in here. I wasn’t going to respond to the thread because I’m very happily married, but I had a serious :dubious: moment in reaction to your comment, but also because I see a lot of myself in a lot of the posts in this thread.
I had resigned myself to being perpetually single at the ripe old age of 20. I had no interest in the dating games my peers played, hated bars and clubs and really any gathering involving large crowds of people, and as someone pointed out, I wouldn’t want the kind of guy that likes those scenes, either. I’m a nerd and an artist, am awkward and am shy, and pretty average-looking. I don’t dress well, and hardly own anything that’s not jeans, t-shirts, and hoodie sweatshirts. I have thigh-length, straight, dark hair that I have never in my life had styled or fashionably cut. I’m overweight, I don’t wear makeup and it just doesn’t occur to me to flirt with strangers. But most of all, I just… didn’t care about dating. I figured someone would come along at some point, or they wouldn’t, and either way was fine by me.
Eventually I struck up an online friendship with a guy who eventually wanted to hook me up with his friend. The friend was very attractive, though he didn’t believe it, and after getting to know him a bit, I really wanted a relationship with him.
Now I saw photos of the two guys, my friend and his friend, at the same time. Og help me, I actually thought to myself “thank god it’s [cute second guy] I’m hooked up with because as it turns out, [friend] is… homely.” And he was. Quite.
Anyway, long story short, cute friend and I didn’t last long because we were completely incompatible in every potential way. OriginalGuy and I started dating the minute that incompatibility became apparent and we simultaneously realized we were perfect for each other in every possible way. Now OriginalGuy is the NajaHusband and I love him with every grain of my heart and soul, but it was a good year or more after we started dating before I really found myself attracted to his appearance–and in the end, it turned out he just needed to grow into it, because ten years later he’s a bit of a looker. I only know this objectively speaking because when I introduced him to my old co-workers for the first time, they were somehow surprised he’s attractive as he is, and told me so.
I assume this is because I’m average looking and so non-girly, and they try so damn hard to find a date, like it’s the most consuming aspect of their life. They’re all cute and dolled up and like to shop and wear nice clothes and have manicures and go to clubs on the weekends. All they think about is how to find a partner. At this point they’re now all in their early/mid-thirties and still doing the same things and still not finding anyone except terrible, short-term relationships.
My point is, I think people overthink this shit. Stop looking at someone for thirty seconds, ten minutes, a couple hours, or a couple dates and dropping someone who’s otherwise perfect because their face doesn’t make your little heart go pitter pat. I fell in love with my husband because he is who he is and he loves who I am–I grew to love his looks, but it wasn’t always that way.
I’m not suggesting all or even most of the folks in the thread do this, just that physical attraction gets in the way of all the most important things. It is important to be physically attracted to each other, but I think sometimes it just needs time to grow.
[QUOTE=Lok]
And you are making assumptions.
[/QUOTE]
I didn’t mean to make assumptions, and I didn’t mean to put you on the defensive.
Let’s play nice.
What I was saying is that a) Some hobbies, including comic books, RPGs, SciFi, and a few others, tend to be viewed by outsiders as attracting weirdos and geeks. Whether or not this is true (it’s at least somewhat true) is beside the point. Dating is a social thing, and in social things perceptions of social value are very important. You’ll only benefit if you are cogizent of this.; b) These same hobbies tend to attract mostly men.; c) Women that are attracted to these things are not overwhelmingly supermodels. If that’s not important to you, then no big deal. (There are notable exceptions. Court these women heavily.)
This is not to say that you shouldn’t have these hobbies or attend these events. Not at all. Do the stuff you want to do. And do it because you love doing it, not to meet teh hawt chix. On the other hand, if you just so happen to see a desirable woman at such a venue, be prepared to approach her and charm the chainmail off of her.
But if you’re serious about bringing romance into your life – and I’m not assuming that you are – then these sort of activities are pretty infertile soil for doing so. Consider some other venues where your odds are increased. If one of your interests is yoga, for example, then take yoga classes. You’re far more likely to meet interesting single women there than at, say, a Star Trek convention. And you might even meet someone who happens to be a Star Trek fan.
To quickly address the shoe shopping topic: I generally make it a policy not to get sucked into being dragged around malls against my will. I’d rather do my own thing, and I usually get my way. It’s OK not to be constantly joined at the hip. But if you want the good stuff that comes with being in a relationship, you’ll occasionally have to put up with some bad stuff. You’ll need to do a cost/benefit analysis. Hot monkey sex, cuddling, and fun dinners with a soulmate vs Christmas with Creepy Uncle Morty, PMS, and having your man-space festooned with tiny heart-shaped pillows? Up to you. Personally, I find that with the right woman, I can put up with the small headaches.
On a personal note, I had a fun time with N tonight. I don’t really know if she’s a keeper, but we had fun spending time together. It was better than spending a Friday night with the guys, and better than spending it alone. She’s pretty cool. And the good-night kiss? Hoo boy, she melted almost every bone in my body.
[QUOTE=Quartz]
How many people here will date someone who can’t make you laugh? Zero, I’ll bet.
[/QUOTE]
I’m the funny one. She very rarely makes me laugh, but I make her laugh, and that makes me feel good because we can laugh together. She brings other qualities to the table. Humor has been a cornerstone of our relationship, but it doesn’t have to be reciprocal.
Enjoy,
Steven
[QUOTE=tdn]
The thing is, attraction can be created.
[/QUOTE]
I am really curious as to how this works. Do you mean making an individual attracted to you, or making yourself attracted to a particular individual?
You could make a lot of money off of teaching people to do the former or teaching younger women to be attracted to “nice men” .