Yeah, we are fragile:D
But a cute chick is always welcome !!!
Good point you make about the girls studying. Seems plausible. Any ladies here agree with his observations?
As for the thing about going out with a friend…
I do not have a friend or anyone to hang out with.
Unfortunately, this not an exaggeration.
I suppose I agree partially; I’m sure there are women sitting in Barnes and Noble studying right now, thinking, “I sure wish that handsome fella with the cute dog and the trout in his back pocket would come over and talk to me,” 
but as a person who has, on occasion, gone to a diner or coffee shop hoping to study/read with minimal interruption (because, as opposed to the library or my own house, that’s where the FOOD is 
), I can tell you it’s not always the case.
That said, I certainly would have no right to be offended if some fella came up and started a conversation. I mean, Mr. Frink is right; I should have carted my ass to the library or back home if I had such a strong aversion to being bothered at the moment.
Case in point: On leaving my grad-school-waitress job early one sunny afternoon, I had planned to go home and get some serious reading done.
But it was so nice out. I couldn’t bear the thought of being cooped up inside on a Bay Area Spring Day. So on a whim, I dropped into a local pub on my way home (I had my book with me), thinking I’d sit on the terrace, sip a Margarita (maybe with a plate of calamari), and commune with James Baldwin. I had no intention of picking up a boy (and certainly didn’t feel very foxy, still in my grease-spattered waitress clothes) or even talking to anyone…
But lo and behold, here came a fella who’d just had lunch at my workplace, recognized me from there (though I hadn’t waited on him), and struck up a conversation.
Four hours later, I hadn’t gotten a THING done in the way of reading, but I had a dinner date.
Sometimes the sacrifice is worth it.
So if you WERE to approach me in Barnes & Noble, even if I had work to do, I would probably talk to you, assuming you didn’t hit me with that trout. Honestly, IMO you do run the risk of approaching someone in a bookstore or coffee shop who doesn’t want to be bothered… but you could also wind up as somebody’s Happy Afternoon Surprise.
Wait, that didn’t sound right…
auntie em -
The example you used is just a little different. You said the guy who approached you, recognized you from where you worked. While you were both total strangers to one another, this guy had an “in.”
By “in” I mean a point of reference or familiarity. You worked where he ate. He ate where you worked. You had something in common, even if it was trivial.
“Ins” are extremely helpful in meeting new people. I have found that if I have an “in” I am far less likely to be so shy and more likely to open up and make an introductory move.
Using the bookstore as a continuing example:
If I see someone reading or studying something that I have no knowledge of or familiarity with, I am at a total loss of an opening introduction.
If I saw someone reading Edgar Allen Poe, then maybe I could say “Hi. I see you’re reading Poe. What’s your favorite story? What about his writings do you enjoy?”
But if Jane Doe is reading “Quantum Physics 101” I have no “in.” Of course I could be a total fool and make something ghastly up, but I do not use “lines.” I never have. I never will.
I think “personal ins” are even better than “material ins.” A “personal in” is what happened to auntie em. While these could be easily mistaken for a cheap line, they can often be true. “Excuse me, don’t you go to _______?” or “Don’t you work at _______? I go there a lot, but we’ve never been properly introduced.”
Having no “in” makes things so much more difficult.
Hmmm, well… you’re right, but “ins” are easier to find than you might think. For example, even though Jane Doe is reading Quantum Physics 101 (about which you know less than Oprah knows about The Secret Sordid Life of Dr. Phil), she might be wearing a “Ralph Nader for President” button, or wearing a necklace with a Celtic charm, or drinking what smells suspiciously like a Hazelnut latte… Not that any of these things would necessarily be an “in” for you, but you could probably find one…
Sure, the guy I met (and dated, for a few weeks) had an “in”, but it had nothing to do with the book in which my nose was buried. Actually, his “in” was kind of phony. Not phony in that he hadn’t just eaten at my restaurant, but phony in that he didn’t really give a crap about where I worked–he was just using it… well… as an “in”.
What he really found fascinating about me that day (God knows why) was the Margarita/Book combo I had going out there on the terrace of an otherwise empty bar. Every once in awhile, during the time we dated, he’d look at me with an affectionate grin, shake his head, and say, “Drinkin’ a Margarita and readin’ a book.”
Not all that interesting to ME, but he always made it sound wildly and fascinatingly incongruent, like something akin to “Goin’ to church wearin’ nothin’ but Spiderman Underoos, a Panama hat, and Moon Boots.”
He didn’t get out much. :rolleyes:
My point is that if you want to talk to someone, there is ALWAYS an “in”, if you look carefully. And it doesn’t really have to have anything to do with anything, it’s just a way to start talking so you can find out what else you have in common.
And actually, if you think about it, significant “ins” can sometimes be dangerous. I mean, in my scenario, there was no way we could have spent the next four hours talking about my waitress job and his lunch, so we ended up covering a range of topics, and learning quite a bit about each other. A conversation about Edgar Allan Poe, on the other hand, could go on for an entire semester , and therefore would be easy to use as a crutch, especially if you’re shy. Know what I mean?
Back in my day we used a sock and were damn happy about it.
auntie em-
you said:
Hmm this is fascinating because what I get from the above is:
"If you see someone interesting, just tell that person what you find so interesting about them as a person." (without getting too personal)
I may be reading more into it than was said. If you think about it, though, it pretty much gets rid of all the “phoniness” as you called it.
Example: I see a beautiful woman in the cafe of the bookstore. She’s reading Quantum Physics 101. I don’t know jackshit about Quantum Physics, and have no interest in Quantum Physics whatsoever but what I do know is: (a) she’s attractive (b) she’s intelligent © she likes coffee. Bing-bing-bing, we have three things in common already, and we haven’t even met yet.
Now what do I say to her if approach her? I can’t be too flattering, as that may sound phony. I can’t be too personal either. How do I convey from thought, into vocalization, “I find you attractive and interesting, I want to know more about you,” without appearing fake or desparate? I know women love it when a guy shows true interest in them as a person.
Here are some things to say if you decide to work your dog as a prop:
“Do you have a dog?”
“What kind of dog?”
“How old is your dog?”
“What is his/her name?”
In other words, ask her questions and get her talking.
Also, many animal shelters need volunteers to help walk and socialize the dogs. (no experience necessary.) You might meet people doing that, or at least it will give you something to talk about with the dog-loving women who approach you. It’s fun in any case.
Well, actually, I hadn’t meant to say that, but I don’t actually see anything wrong with that approach, and you’re right–all that “What’s your sign?” mumbo jumbo goes right out the window, which has to be a good thing!
And, if I may continue to be anecdotal, that approach has worked on me as well (I’m so easy. ). I had a guy approach me on the street once, as I was walking home, and just basically say, “Hello my name is… I’ve seen you walking around here a few times, and just really wanted to meet you.”
His timing kind of sucked–it was raining, not a good time to stop and chat on the sidewalk (not to mention the fact that I had a boyfriend)–but from then on, we’d speak when we ran into each other (which was fairly often, since he lived on the next block) and, when time permitted, stop and chat for a second (really mundane stuff, like “So where are you off to?”). Eventually, my boyfriend was outta the picture, and on one of those Stop-n-Chats, Mr. Sidewalk Howdy invited me out for coffee. I handed over the digits.
Woo, I’m starting to sound really slutty now, aren’t I?
Well, that story doesn’t end romantically–we wound up easing into more of a familial relationship. I did consider taking things a little further one night when we went out for a drink and I got tipsy… unfortunately, he wound up getting attacked by a million ANTS at the bar (we were sitting outside). At that point, our romantic moment was shot to hell because
a) he was really feeling the need to run home and scrub himself silly in the shower, and
b) when he frantically ripped off his shirt so that I could knock the ants off of his back, well… I won’t go into specifics (so as not to offend anyone here who might have the same “issue” and thus come across as not only a slut, but a shallow slut), but Honey, the lust left at that moment. :rolleyes:
Anyway, MSK, I say get on out there! Take the dog, and take a chance! Say Hello!
I used to study in cafes and got picked up on all the time. Some of those places in Berkeley seemed to be serious pick-up joints for the nerdy-ish. I didn’t go there to be picked up on - I just couldn’t concentrate at home or at the library. I usually didn’t mind the interruptions.
Quantum Physics is a hard one. It appears that maybe you don’t have much in common with this person. I can’t think of anything witty at the moment (I’m glad I’m not a guy!), but there must be something you can say. “I always wanted to be a physicist, but…”
Approaching the woman shows you’re interested. You don’t have to say it.
MSK, I won’t advise on your bookshop scenario, since auntie_em is much wiser than I, but I did want to offer one pointer. You’re obviously taking this “tactical and strategic approach methods” thing very seriously. That’s commendable, because our personal relationships are big, important pieces of our lives, and it pays to remember that.
But I’d caution you about taking things too seriously, especially in the “heat of battle.” {Insert your favorite cliche here about women’s ability to smell fear, or nothing succeeding like success, but there’s something to it.} Now I’m not suggesting you need to be swavey and dee-boner. You don’t sound like the type, and I wasn’t either. Still ain’t, for that matter. I just began to notice that the times when I was in a relationship were the times I had the easiest time meeting women. As I examined it, I saw that although I was still quiet-spoken when already committed, I felt much freer about complimenting an attractive person, or just talking about something mundane.
In fact, I checked out your thread because of something that just now happened. Backstory: I’m a single dad, not in a relationship; so although I’m open to the idea of a romance, I’m kinda too busy to get to it right now. So an hour ago, I’m at a grocery store here in IL, where I am visiting family (and did the ChiDope). The lady behind me had done something with her eye makeup I’d not seen before. I can’t explain it well, but it was just cool, and I’m not even normally a big fan of makeup on women. So I just told her, “You know, your eyes are really striking. Just thought you should know.” I thought it might cheer up her day a little.
She says thanks, asks where I’m visiting from, and I gather my bags and leave. On my way out, I can clearly hear her talking to the cashier. “Can you believe what he said? That was sooo nice.” And then she did that “rowwr” thing by rolling her tongue before I left earshot.
Yessiree, I did consider a quick U-turn, but then I wouldn’t have this quaint if overlong object lesson. I think that since I just said what was on my mind matter-of-factly, I avoided giving her the impression that there was a big scarlet “P” on my forehead. Had the line been longer, I’m sure we’d have had a nice chat. Maybe more, maybe not. Best of luck in your efforts.
PS. I had my 6yo nephew with me, but he isn’t trained as a prop yet. He was picking his nose.
PPS. That “rowwr” thing made my day! 
For “moderate” help on quantum physics pickup lines, we need search no farther than our very own DrMatrix’ sig.
Not that I’d recommend actually using this…
Honey, a nose-picking 6-year-old is the perfect prop. All I have to say is that a fresh booger is just like glue. Your hand, her ass, your nephew’s booger… now there’s a conversation starter (and will give you a definite line on what kind of sense of humor she’s got)!
For the geeks out there, an Apple iBook makes a great chick magnet.
Ok, dude, let’s just cut to the chase here…you are WAY over-analyzing all of this! Which, if I can sound all pop psyche on your for a sec, it probably why you are having so much trouble with da ladies.
Don’t freak yourself out by thinking of this the woman who may someday walk down the aisle with you and bare your offspring, this is just well, another person and you are engaging in a conversation. Hell, if we all over-analyzed this stuff as much are you are doing right now, we would all never talk to anyone ever except to grunt out a thanks to the cashier giving us back our 83 cents in change.
What is the worse that is going to happen? Really, think about it. If you approach someone at Barnes and Noble reading a book on quantum physics and you complement her on her glitter eyeshadow and she, she, she says thanks. And that’s it. And you walk away. No worse for the wear. Or maybe she screams out “get away from me you sicko before I call for security”. And then, well, you’ll probably never step foot in that Barnes and Noble ever again unless they pick you out from the mug shots in the manager’s office but still, you are alive. Bruised and battered but alive.
The reason why that exchange worked for Wisest is because he wasn’t trying. Again, don’t think of these people as potential flies to capture in your spider web of love but instead just as people. People, people who need people…
What? Where was I? Oh yeah, don’t get too obsessive about this. Be nice, be friendly, SMILE and get out there, dude. Minus the frisbee, though. And since you said you don’t have any friends, even if you don’t score a potential partner d’amour, maybe you’ll find a bud.
Ok, dude, let’s just cut to the chase here…you are WAY over-analyzing all of this! Which, if I can sound all pop psyche on your for a sec, it probably why you are having so much trouble with da ladies.
Don’t freak yourself out by thinking of this the woman who may someday walk down the aisle with you and bare your offspring, this is just well, another person and you are engaging in a conversation. Hell, if we all over-analyzed this stuff as much are you are doing right now, we would all never talk to anyone ever except to grunt out a thanks to the cashier giving us back our 83 cents in change.
What is the worse that is going to happen? Really, think about it. If you approach someone at Barnes and Noble reading a book on quantum physics and you complement her on her glitter eyeshadow and she, she, she says thanks. And that’s it. And you walk away. No worse for the wear. Or maybe she screams out “get away from me you sicko before I call for security”. And then, well, you’ll probably never step foot in that Barnes and Noble ever again unless they pick you out from the mug shots in the manager’s office but still, you are alive. Bruised and battered but alive.
The reason why that exchange worked for Wisest is because he wasn’t trying. Again, don’t think of these people as potential flies to capture in your spider web of love but instead just as people. People, people who need people…
What? Where was I? Oh yeah, don’t get too obsessive about this. Be nice, be friendly, SMILE and get out there, dude. Minus the frisbee, though. And since you said you don’t have any friends, even if you don’t score a potential partner d’amour, maybe you’ll find a bud.
And the only thing I’m going to say about Auntie Em is that the girl is a total freak magnet so you might want to take her advice with a grain of salt.
Maybe I should just sign up to appear on Elimidate or The Fifth Wheel. :o
But seriously:
(a) first of all: My thanks to all for your wit and wisdom. You are right about several things: I do over-analyze stuff too much. I do take meeting new people too seriously.
(b) Necessary or not: my apologies for this thread turning into minor TMI. I hadn’t intended for it to get this involved, but you folks are just too damn perceptive!
(c) I am heading out tonight. It’s my weekly adventure into the bar for karaoke night. Let’s hope I have as good a time as I did last time. I don’t go to sing, but I go to get myself out and around people and have fun playing the interactive trivia game they have there. Last time I went, I had such a good time because of two things: (1) I wasn’t trying or expecting anything (2) I did talk to people I didn’t know.
Shyness is a pain in the ass. Sometimes, as noted above, I can just “turn off” the shyness, but HOW I do that, I have no idea. It kinda just happens.
I guess Yoda said it best:
I focus too much on trying instead of doing.
If I may make a suggestion: a guitar in the park is a GREAT prop. I play a lot of guitar and actually don’t ever intend on picking anybody up. But there’s something about playing guitar that women like. Especially if you’re writing a song. Now you’re projecting music and poetry. Lots of opportunity to discuss… Also, I ALWAYS try to just be myself. Obviously when you first meet someone you try to put your best foot forward but if you’re looking for a long term relationship, be honest about yourself from the start. That’s my two cents.
Wow, what a difference in tone from the OP. Judging from this, MSK’s gonna be all good from just taking this issue out and looking at it.
And that really sucks, because I sometimes stop in the South Bend/Elkhart area on my way from IL to OH, and now MSK’s gonna be snapping up all the hotties. Bastard.
auntie em, if I used a tagline, I’d be changing it right now! Don’t know about freak magnet, but you’re definitely a freak. Bravo.
And trishdish, I really liked your pop psych style. Next time my head needs shrinking, I’m looking for you.
Um…Busy right now?