We’ve had a couple inclement weather deaths in the family, and I do cut people a little slack when they have to slog through the snow, rain, mud to do the graveside part. But I don’t care if the person was a marathon runner (and my nephew was)…I really hate the ripped cut-offs and dirty running shoes look. But that’s me.
Formal occasions seem to be less and less formal. I was at a wedding in July and some guy had a leather vest over top of a T-shirt, with blue jeans.
When my husband’s grandmother died, her family decided that “Mom was a casual person” and so they all dressed casually for the visitation. Most of the grandchildren were in shorts and t-shirts and the older generation wore casual slacks and shirts. They neglected to tell us of the family consensus, so my husband and I and our kids were dressed formally.
For the funeral, the immediate family dressed formally, but some cousins showed up in dirty, ripped sweats and t-shirts. Their behavior was as inappropriate as their dress, and I was relieved to learn that these were the cousins no one wanted to claim.
Another story:
Recently, our town was shaken by a horrible accident in which three of our volunteer EMTs were killed, along with the two patients they were transporting to the hospital. The visitation and funerals were both held at the gymnasium of our local high school and fire and EMS departments from across the country attended. I was only able to attend the visitation and noticed that most visitors were dressed formally, although some were in jeans. At the funeral service the next day, the gym was packed with families, friends, and fire/EMS representatives. Most local people who were not close to the families opted to watch the funeral procession as it wound its way through the town to the cemetery.
My sister and her husband went uptown to watch the procession and ran into a local couple they knew who had gone out to the service (they didn’t know the EMTS or their families well but wanted to see the spectacle), where she got too hot, so they went to the cemetery to wait, and she got too hot again, so they just went uptown to wait. They were dressed in cut-off jean shorts, he in a t-shirt, she in a tank top with no bra. My sister was appalled and I couldn’t blame her. The entire event was ultra-formal as evidenced by the many people who who traveled hundreds of miles to pay their respects to their comrades and were dressed in full uniform on a sweltering day and this woman couldn’t even bother to put on a bra before she drove the .2 miles she had to travel?
Personally, I’ve attended visitations in work clothes, sometimes even in jeans if running out during my lunch hour at work, and have always apologized for my clothes, although I’ve always been reassured by the family that it was not a problem. When members of my family have died, I never really noticed what any visitor was wearing as long as they behaved appropriately. But in the situation described above, that couple was too much about their own comfort and too little about appropriate behavior and attire.
Before my grandfather died, even though he was in pretty decent health, every time we went up to see him (often, of course, when he was in the hospital for something) my dad would say, “I wonder if I should bring a suit?” and I’d say “Would you rather have to buy an emergency suit?” and of course he’d bring a suit. We haven’t been up to see Grandma since Grandpa died, but she turns 92 on Wednesday and next time I go up there, even if she isn’t dead, I’ll make sure I have something I can wear to a funeral just in case.
Funerals and visitations call for “sunday go to meeting clothes”. Period. Unless the family requests something different (“Daddy was a cowboy, everybody wear your Wranglers and boots please!”) then it’s simply a matter of respect to dress neatly. Exceptions also can be made for those who are leaving/going to work; when a coworker died in December, several of us wore scrubs to the visitation simply because we were either just leaving or just on our way to the hospital. Otherwise, dress nicely, leave your ball caps, tennis shoes and cutoffs at home, and wear a bra.
I think the difference between “coming from work” and “braless and cutoffs” is something worth repeating. No one should be criticized for paying respects in the their honest workin’ duds, but come on, folks - harness the boobage for the love of Pete.
VCNJ~
I agree that those who are grieving deeply probably won’t notice. But don’t you think that respect is still owed to the deceased and their family? I mean, would you personally show up in shorts and flip-flops?
I think that a person should wear the best they have available in the way of nice clothes, and that anyone who isn’t completely impoverished should have one set of funeral/wedding/court appropriate clothing. Clean. Pressed. Non-beachwear. Work attire for those going to/coming from work is acceptible, as well, of course.
Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t be grateful that they showed up and never notice how they were dressed if I were the bereaved, but as a friend or family member coming to a wake or funeral (or wedding or trial or any other solemn* occasion), I feel we owe that respect.
*Solemn meaning serious, not sad, obviously, as weddings aren’t supposed to be sad, but they should be serious.
[eta] I have a dress I’ve worn to several funerals. It’s calf-length, black with small white polka-dots, and has a modest neckline. I’ve started thinking of it as my “funeral dress”. 
Last year, my mother passed away, and yes, some people came to the visitation or the service sort of dressed down.
But, I hold nothing against them, and was moved at how they were affected by my mother’s passing and I was comforted by their pressence. Other than the dress, they all behaved in a respectful manner. That’s what counts.
Guilty of wearing tee shirts to Mass, here. They’re clean and logoless, but they are tee shirts, and are worn with jeans. Maybe I should grow up.
Suse, We must be in relative proximity, I know the accident you are referring to. 
I’ve been to way to many funerals and they span the socio-economic spectrum.
In my experience, one’s financial situation has little to do with how they dress. It’s about respect or just being alarmingly clueless as to how to prestent oneself when calling on the deceased’s family.
Old slacks and and ill-fitting button down may not be the prettiest oufit (I can’t believe I just used the word “slacks”) but is shows an attempt to present oneself in a respectful manner in honor of the dead and in honor of the family.
Showing up in baggy, hanging-off-the-ass jeans and a stained muscle shirt is just lazy and disrespectful.
Now, I, personally, don’t have a problem with someone being a little dressed down for a visitation because people are coming from work and may not have time to change into a suit but for Og’s sake, if you’re going to the actual funeral, put a little effort into your appearance.
When my Nana died, a very, very poor and mentally unglued cousin showed up unshowered and wearing white shoes that she painted black with a permanent marker. Ah well, at least the outfit matched.
ETA: I have a “funeral outfit” too. After my friend’s grandfather died, and my presence was requested at every Catholic doing the had in preparation, I had to scamper to the mall to find appropriate attire. I wore that oufit to several funerals and now have a new, updated outfit. I don’t want to be left unprepared like that again.
Is there a line? - I don’t mean to pick on you - this is more hypothetical than actual - I’m picking on you because the statement “other than dress” seems to recognize that their dress was not respectful.
“Other than showing up drunk, they behaved in a respectful manner.”
“Other than playing Texas Holdem in the back of the room, they behaved in a respectful manner.”
“Other than loudly talking about their latest surgery while the Knights of Columbus said the rosary, they behaved in a respectful manner.”
Do you get three strikes - you can show up tackily dressed as long as you don’t bring obnoxious kids? You can bring obnoxious kids if you dress well.? Is a t-shirt and jeans ok, but a cami top and short shorts pushing it? Can you really take all the good cookies from the cookie tray and sing offkey over the soloist doing Amazing Grace and get a pass? Is there some sort of code in the obituary section that lets you know if this is a “give a pass” family like my mother’s family, or if you’ll be forever the black sheep for showing up at a funeral in a skirt without nylons like my father’s - to be gossiped about at visitations for the next twenty years?
Is it just the intent that counts, as as long as the intentions were good, all can be forgiven?
I guess I’m willing to give most things a pass if the intentions were good. All the same, I have to look at people at a funeral in jeans and wonder “are we raising more and more people in barns? Did their mothers never teach them any manners? Or do I need to pity them not for lack of manners, but because they are so poor that they lack the ‘funeral and wedding’ outfit.”
the behavior in the OP is UNACCEPTABLE. I agree that if I were at a funeral of someone that was really close to me I may not notice but I’ve been to a lot of funerals of my parents friends and I’m more sad that they are sad. This gives me a little more time and energy to sneer at people’s clothing choices.
I can’t stand it when people do not dress appropriately. Its never too much to expect (ESPECIALLY if someone has died) everyone show up in clean, pressed, age-appropriate, event-appropriate clothing. Sometimes you’ll get the first three of those but not the last one. I was recently at a wedding where someone was wearing a short strapless dress in the church. I’m not even christian but I’m not so arrogant that I won’t cover up my no-no’s in what millions of people consider to be god’s house.
Does anyone remember that commercial where there is a funeral and the message is something like “stand out” or “be different” and there is this woman in this bright red dress among all the mourners in black. I couldn’t BELIEVE they were encouraging that.
Anyways, inappropriate dress at funerals/weddings are definately on my list of fashion related pet peevs. Right up there with the old classics man sandals, visible panty lines, and grown up clothes on children (whoever came up with the little boy sized tuxedo should be put in jail)
Fitted women’s tee shirts that are plain need another name. I’ve worn them with suits. I meant tee shirts like I wear to work on my car or in a chem lab.
My second year of teaching, the step-father of one of my students died unexpectedly. The memorial service was held nearly six weeks after. At the time, my parents were fostering a former student of mine who knew the girl. As I was going to the memorial service, I offered to take my parent’s foster daughter, and I explained what was expected of us while we were there.
We were to dress in nice clothes in dark colors - nothing flashy or designed to catch the attention of others. We were to speak softly. We were to offer our condolences and support but not take the family’s time.
When we got there, I had to wonder what planet I’d landed on. The mother of my student, wife of the man who died was wearing a cheap, thin, white cotton short and blouse set that you could clearly see bra and panty lines through. With the exception of her daughter, my student, she was the best dressed of the family and other attendees.
I would have chalked it up to different cultures, but the mother sent her daughter to sit in the back row and operate the CD player during the service. The poor girl sat back there and cried and cried, because the man who’d died was the only father she’d ever known. A third of the way into the service, when it was obvious the mother, her mother, and her sister, weren’t going to move from the front row where they were arguing over whether heaven had ponies to ride (I shit you not. Ponies.), I picked up and moved to the back row and held that 14 year old girl while she sobbed.
I don’t have a problem with people who genuinely can’t afford nicer clothes. I don’t have a problem with people who are come just before, during, or just after their work shift and are wearing work clothes. I have a very large problem with people so addled by their own selfishness, they could be stuffed into a clue cannon and shot into low Earth orbit before they realized the pain their complete disrespect caused others.
All the things you mention, being drunk, playing cards, talking loudly during service, are behaviours, or actions, while how they are dressed is something different. If a person in a nice suit was drunk off they ass, would the suit make it OK? If the lady talking during church was in a nice dress, would that be OK?
How someone is dressed is a first impression and yes it can be negative, but it doesn’t make anyone irredeemable in my book. The actual behaviour, being respectful, expressing how they are sorry for my loss, sharing stories about the deceased. Those are behaviours that I personally look for when you come to the funeral of my family member.
Have you ever been under-dressed? Did you just realize it and slink away because you were unworthy to be there?
You say your own family has the give-a-pass mentality on you mother’s side. So why don’t you get my post?
You tell me which side you prefer, the give-a- pass side or the, never forget side?
I’m just asking if there is a difference and why? It seems like there are lots of disrespectful actions at funerals, dressing poorly for them is one - perhaps one of the minor infractions along with eating all the good cookies - while showing up drunk is a major one. But it seems to me that both are disrespectful actions - its just how much of a pass are you willing to give folks.
I disagree that being underdressed isn’t a behavior or action - its simply an action that takes place before the event. You are making a choice to show up dressed inappropriately to a funeral or wedding - just as you make the choice to behave inappropriately.
No, I’ve never gone anywhere underdressed - not that I recall. I’ve been overdressed on an occation or two. I’m not a very casual person. And with relations like my father’s, I learned what proper shoes and jewelry for an occation was fairly early, even if the whole thing is sort of laughable - I can do it when called upon.
I ministered a wedding in July wearing shorts, Crocs, and a Hawaiian shirt <shudder> By request of the bride and groom.
I’m also offended by people dressing the same for a funeral (or wedding) as a trip to Piggly-Wiggly.
Well, I would rather have a full church with half the people under dressed, but otherwise behaving respectfully then an half empty church.
I’m not speaking hypothetically, I’m speaking from expierence. I guess I’m just not a snob about dress. I would prefer them to be dressed properly, and I may go as far to quietly point out that the men should doff their hats, unless they are Jews who always cover their heads as a sign of respect.
Yes, the act of dressing is a behavior, but as pointed out, not everyone owns those clothes. For them, buying a suit is like you, or your husband, buying a tux. Maybe he wears a tux once or twice a year. Should he buy one? Not worth it.
So the difference is that, not dressed up enough is, to me, a very minor infraction. Much less of an infraction than not showing up at all. I don’t see why you’re not getting this. It really isn’t that complicated.
I’m not a member of your father’s family.
So In My Humble Opinion, while proper dress is desirable, I wouldn’t want anyone to stay away, or even feel uncomfortable, because they are not as dressed as others. This goes for any social gathering, wedding, funeral, whatever. I’m just laid back about that sort of thing.
I’d say it depends on the person who passed. If it were a biker guy, it would be a goofy get together with kahkis and suits.
Japanese are more formal, in general, as even more so at funerals. I was really surprised at my cousin’s funeral (in Salt Lake) where people showed in in jeans and tee shirts.