Visitation/Funeral Attire

In My Humble Opinion
41

[QUOTE=Zebra]
Well, I would rather have a full church with half the people under dressed, but otherwise behaving respectfully then an half empty church.

I’m not speaking hypothetically, I’m speaking from expierence. I guess I’m just not a snob about dress. I would prefer them to be dressed properly, and I may go as far to quietly point out that the men should doff their hats, unless they are Jews who always cover their heads as a sign of respect.

Yes, the act of dressing is a behavior, but as pointed out, not everyone owns those clothes. For them, buying a suit is like you, or your husband, buying a tux. Maybe he wears a tux once or twice a year. Should he buy one? Not worth it.
So the difference is that, not dressed up enough is, to me, a very minor infraction. Much less of an infraction than not showing up at all. I don’t see why you’re not getting this. It really isn’t that complicated.

I’m not a member of your father’s family.
So In My Humble Opinion, while proper dress is desirable, I wouldn’t want anyone to stay away, or even feel uncomfortable, because they are not as dressed as others. This goes for any social gathering, wedding, funeral, whatever. I’m just laid back about that sort of thing.
[/QUOTE]

Here is the next question. Let’s say you DID know my father’s family and needed to attend a funeral. And you knew that they expected people to “dress” for weddings and funerals Would you dress up or would you show up in jeans anyway?

There are two sides here. There is the side that says “oh, how I can judge people that show up to these events in jeans.” But there is also the side that says “I don’t care what is expected, I’m comfortable in jeans.” You’d have to be darn poor not to be able to go buy a pair of black Dockers at Goodwill to keep around for such occasions.

Yeah, the first side are snobs. The second side is just as inconsiderate - unless they KNOW that the solemn event will be casual. The first side at least has etiquette in their corner.

42

My dad died on the 24 of July (the day of his 65th birthday), the funeral home asked us how many people we expected to come, we guessed 100 or less. On the day more then 200 showed up MANY came straight from work. There were a FEW in suits and many in workgear.

I could not give the tiniest shit what anyone wore, I cared that they came to say goodbye to my dad. It was not AT ALL a religous service (the G bloke was not mentioned as per dad’s wishes…nor was their a coffin because he gave his body to the medical department at Auckland uni) but it was a lovely service in memory of my dad.

I went and bought my son some clothes, a black jumper and some cargo pants because all he normally wears is trackies or jeans and a hoodie but I wouldn’t care for a single moment what anyone else was wearing…nor did I notice!

Don’t be disrespectful at a funeral but don’t be anal about others clothes either!

43

In Spain there tends to be less of a divide between “work” and “weekend” clothes than in the US, in my experience. But still… someone going to a wake in gym clothes*? Not even if the deceased was an aerobics instructor!

  • Some of the stuff described here would be seen only at the beach or the gym, in Spain.
44

I also bought myself a black cardigan to wear with the grey pants I have had for YEARS. I could now call this my funeral outfit I suppose but I honestly believe the closer you are to the deceased the less you even think about clothes…or should have too! When you are not as close those who are won’t notice what you are wearing (unless they are anal about such things).

When my huisband died I wore jeans and a ratty old jumper and left half way through. He was dead…I had to get through the rest of the day/life!

45

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Yeah, the first side are snobs. The second side is just as inconsiderate - unless they KNOW that the solemn event will be casual. The first side at least has etiquette in their corner.
[/QUOTE]

But isn’t a funeral about the dead person rather then some social gathering with correct clothing? I know my Dad would have been moved that some people cut their work day short and came to see his service in their work clothes rather then went home and put a suit on before arriving. They paid their respects in the way they knew him.

46

[QUOTE=calm kiwi]
When my huisband died I wore jeans and a ratty old jumper and left half way through. He was dead…I had to get through the rest of the day/life!
[/QUOTE]

That sounds awful! He commited suicide and I just was not up to getting dressed let alone dressed up. I didn’t last the whole service because it was too hard.

I’m not always some badly dressed, funeral leaving, uncaring person!

47

Yes, I am agreeing that the proper etiquette is to dress appropriately.

Would you rather have people who, for what ever reason are not able to ‘dressed properly’ but otherwise would behave properly, not come to a funeral?

See, in my way of thinking, you have to attend a funeral. The family does not send out invitations. You hear about it, you go. Come hell or high water, Aint no mountain high enough, yadda yadda yadda, you get your ass there and you ‘be there’ for your living friend who has lost someone. ALL of my friends, wouldn’t give a damn if I were in jeans or in a suit, but then again, I’m not friends with a bunch of pretentious snobs. Remember, I’m talking from experience. I’m talking about people who showed up at my mother’s funeral, not properly attired, and ultimately, I didn’t care. I had bigger things to care about that day.

I’m not sure what the proper etiquette on the part of the family of the deceased, but I’m pretty sure that whispering behind the backs of their quests, and rolling your eyes at the clothing of others is not proper.
OH and Dangerosa, just out of curiousity, are you trying to piss me off?

48

I think the closer you are to the immediate family, the more difference it makes to them how you’re dressed (be it “up” or “down”). When my ex died, his mother (the snob…in all facets of her life) bought his impoverished widow a nice black dress for the funeral. She chose to wear jeans because that’s what he wanted. Now…we all wore jeans because it was expressed by him before his death that that’s what he wanted. However, if I were his widow, I think I would have tossed the MIL a bone in that case.

49

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]

I disagree that being underdressed isn’t a behavior or action - its simply an action that takes place before the event. You are making a choice to show up dressed inappropriately to a funeral or wedding - just as you make the choice to behave inappropriately.

[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. If you know you’re attending a funeral after your ultra-casual-dress job, you can bring clothes with you. It takes 10 min or less to throw on a pair of slacks and a blazer or what have you. I would be pretty pissed off if my construction worker friends came to a funeral with mud caked to their boots and their jeans all torn up, just because they’re coming straight from work. It doesn’t take that much effort to make yourself presentable.

50

[QUOTE=Zebra]
Yes, I am agreeing that the proper etiquette is to dress appropriately.

Would you rather have people who, for what ever reason are not able to ‘dressed properly’ but otherwise would behave properly, not come to a funeral?

See, in my way of thinking, you have to attend a funeral. The family does not send out invitations. You hear about it, you go. Come hell or high water, Aint no mountain high enough, yadda yadda yadda, you get your ass there and you ‘be there’ for your living friend who has lost someone. ALL of my friends, wouldn’t give a damn if I were in jeans or in a suit, but then again, I’m not friends with a bunch of pretentious snobs. Remember, I’m talking from experience. I’m talking about people who showed up at my mother’s funeral, not properly attired, and ultimately, I didn’t care. I had bigger things to care about that day.

I’m not sure what the proper etiquette on the part of the family of the deceased, but I’m pretty sure that whispering behind the backs of their quests, and rolling your eyes at the clothing of others is not proper.
OH and Dangerosa, just out of curiousity, are you trying to piss me off?
[/QUOTE]

No, as I said, I’m not picking on you. I’m just feeling out where lines are drawn. Since you said “other than dress, they behaved respectfully” you seem to have implied that their dress was not respectful.

I’d rather have people behave respectfully at funerals. If you can’t show up dressed properly in my father’s family, don’t come at all because it will upset the grievers - they will see it as a sign of disrespect to the family. (My father’s family has some Mafia in it two generations back - respect for the family is a big deal). On the other hand, with my mother’s family, anyone who shows up is welcome, no matter what the attire.

If I’m the griever, I’m not sure. Honestly, I doubt I’d be in any shape to notice. And if I’m dead, I don’t care.

51

[QUOTE=Kalhoun]

I would be pretty pissed off if my construction worker friends came to a funeral with mud caked to their boots and their jeans all torn up, just because they’re coming straight from work. It doesn’t take that much effort to make yourself presentable.
[/QUOTE]

WHY? No one at Dad’s funeral (or memorial as it was more properly called…as their was no coffin) offended me with their clothes. To be honest I I have no idea what anyone was wearing!

Dad thought god was a dirty word and thought the only place anyone went when they died was in the dirt, I think he would have been appalled at too many suits. To be honest evaryone who shook my hand or hugged me was dirt free but several were wearing logos (work gear).

52

OK, I’m just reading a tone that isn’t there.
Showing respect comes in many forms. Proper clothing is, to me, the least impressive of these forms. It is an outward form. I’m more interested in the inward forms. In Phouka’s story, if Phouka had been dressed in jeans, would his comforting of the young girl be any less noble? If the arguing harpies had been in stylish black dresses, would they have been any less of a couple of bitches? Do you somehow think that people in jeans are incapable of grace? Are they unable to bring comfort to the bereaved? Is that what you are saying? They should just stay home?

[QUOTE=Bill Shakespeare]
It is to me she is married, not my clothes.
[/QUOTE]

(now the Google ads are for Troubled Teen Boys School, Boarding Schools: Arizona and Christian Boarding School. WTH?)

53

I’d just like to know what some people are thinking – like the one who wore a red Hawaiian-print shirt to a funeral in a church (where everyone else was wearing somber hues). Was that the only shirt he owned?

I don’t understand wearing black to weddings, either, although that’s what almost every woman did at the ritzy, “big money” wedding I attended.

But I may have a topper, from my Grandmother’s visitation. My Aunt’s husband’s sister’s daughter (Aunt had just recently married him, I didn’t know his family) was a teenager, and they came right after school.

So she was wearing…

her bright blue cheerleading uniform!

“Gimme a D-E-A-D! Goooooo Death!”

(nobody’s holding a “grudge” or anything, they’re lovely people, but man that was ODD)

54

[QUOTE=calm kiwi]
WHY? No one at Dad’s funeral (or memorial as it was more properly called…as their was no coffin) offended me with their clothes. To be honest I I have no idea what anyone was wearing!

Dad thought god was a dirty word and thought the only place anyone went when they died was in the dirt, I think he would have been appalled at too many suits. To be honest evaryone who shook my hand or hugged me was dirt free but several were wearing logos (work gear).
[/QUOTE]

I’m old school. What can I say? I feel out of place if I’m not properly attired (specific requests excepted) and it bothers me that people don’t make the tiniest effort to dress appropriately. I know dozens of people who come from “grubby garb” jobs and show up dressed appropriately. I don’t think it’s fair to assume it won’t bother some people just because it doesn’t bother you. You can’t over-dress for a funeral. No one will be offended if you wear nice clothes. Underdressed…there’s a good chance someone will be offended.

55

[QUOTE=Zebra]
In Phouka’s story, if Phouka had been dressed in jeans, would his comforting of the young girl be any less noble?
[/QUOTE]

Um…her. I am of the female persuasion, and a common noun at that. But thank you very much for your sweet words.

56

[QUOTE=Kalhoun]
I’m old school. What can I say? I feel out of place if I’m not properly attired (specific requests excepted) and it bothers me that people don’t make the tiniest effort to dress appropriately. I know dozens of people who come from “grubby garb” jobs and show up dressed appropriately. I don’t think it’s fair to assume it won’t bother some people just because it doesn’t bother you. You can’t over-dress for a funeral. No one will be offended if you wear nice clothes. Underdressed…there’s a good chance someone will be offended.
[/QUOTE]
That’s the way I look at it, too. I’m a causal-type person myself, and would love to wear jeans everywhere. But there are just some times in a person’s life when they have to bite the bullet and put on some nice clothes. A funeral is probably the last standing social obligation where part of that obligation is to put on grown-up dress clothes, and I think there are very few circumstances that I can think of that would give a person an excuse not to do so.

I remember at my mother-in-law’s funeral, my brother-in-law (her son) did not wear a tie. I was so annoyed at him…he is a very laid-back guy, and never wears ties. His mother was always wanting him to fix himself up a little, and even at her funeral he couldn’t be bothered. Nice.

57

Yep, showing respect comes in many forms - one of which is dressing properly for the occation. Since you can’t know whether this is a dress properly family who will take offence that you came in shorts and a braless tank top or a “we are just glad you are here” family, it seems better to err on the side of caution when dealing with such an emotionally charged event as a funeral. You certainly don’t want to add to someone’s distress. I’d rather make sure I did everything I could to show respect rather than not sweating the small stuff - the small stuff may not be small to the survivors.

58

Growing up I never went to that many funerals (maybe half a dozen before I was twenty, and half of those were when I was ten or younger so I don’t really remember what people were wearing). From the way I was raised and the funerals I did see, I always assumed that a suit or dark jacket and pants (for men) and a nice dark outfit (for women) was the minimum acceptable standard.

Now I’ve relaxed that a bit and I generally think that as long as people wear clean, neat, clothing that’s in good condition and preferably a fairly dark color, then that’s sufficient. By dark color, I mean black but also dark grey/blue/brown/green, or whatever. I don’t think a suit is necessary. Dockers or jeans are okay as long as they’re in good condition.

I remember going to my mother’s uncle’s funeral a couple years ago, and I was really surprised by how many men were wearing casual jeans and t-shirts and how many women were wearing what I would consider possibly borderline too-casual outfits. But my second cousin (the funeral was for her grandfather) was wearing hot pink low-rise pants and a really skanky top.

There’s a huge difference between wearing the best you have or decent clothing you wore to work that day and looking like you’re on your way to go out clubbing! The funeral was for her very elderly conservative small-town grandfather - it’s not like it was a young 20-something who’d died and all their friends dressed like they normally do because the deceased would have wanted that.

59

When it comes down to it, the clothing we choose to wear is an indication of what our intentions and purpose are.

Wearing overalls and big rubber boots? You’re probably going to muck out a stable.
Wearing a flowery summer dress? The weather is warm, the company is casual, and you want to look feminine.
Wearing a bathing suit and shorts? You’re probably on your way to a water park or the beach, either way, you’re taking part in a leisure activity.

Clothes reflect the social significance of the activity. We used to differentiate to a high degree between public and private activities. We used to reserve certain clothes for certain functions, both extremely formal and extremely informal. We used to be able to tell, with a glance at a person’s clothing, what their gender, occupation, financial status, and possibly religion were.

Our society and culture has shifted so that there are far fewer designations between casual and formal, and occasions that used to require a very specific type of clothing (tennis, anyone?) is now much more generic. There’s a certain appeal to changing our expectations of clothing to something much more relaxed and anonymous. Generally, you can’t tell if someone’s on their way to the courthouse or the movies anymore.

But there are still times when a person’s dress reflects their recognition of the solemnity of an occasion. Job interviews for most non-manual positions require that the applicant show they recognize it as a formal occasion. Appearing before a judge on legal matters is another time when more formal dress is appropriate. And a funeral - where you aren’t just recognizing the worth of the decedent’s life, but mourning their loss and comforting their loved ones - is one of the most formal occasions of our social milieu. The only ones that are on par are weddings, some graduations, and being sworn into public office.

Certainly weddings and graduations have a great deal more latitude, as they are usually planned well in advance and the tastes of the participants rule. But there is very rarely any warning that a death is imminent, and the funeral almost always follows within a week’s time. With that little window, it is best to consider the accepted, traditional rules as a default and be guided by them unless they are overruled by specific requests directly from the decedent and those who mourn him or her.

I can’t think of a single situation where a person was resented for dressing more formally than expected, but this thread is an excellent example of the hurt feelings and outraged sensibilities over dress that is less formal than expected. And if a person shows up in a work shirt and pants, but it is their best clothing? Then they are dressed as formally as they can be, and there is nothing to take offense over.

60

That was weird…nevermind