Failing to invite everyone that you think should have been invited to their wedding reception is not a failure to budget properly. Budgeting properly is deciding on a total of what you can afford, and not going over that. If people are going to be offended because you don’t want to spend more than you can afford so they can bring their girlfriend, well, so it goes.
Regards,
Shodan
I am slightly although not extremely curious about whether you feel the same about spouses, or if this only applies to unmarried couples.
Anyway, I think it’s a dick move not to invite people’s long-term partners, whether married or not. I’m not campaigning to have it outlawed or anything. I just think it’s a dick move.
It doesn’t have to be the end of the world to decline an invitation if my spouse/SO is not invited. I think it is worthwhile to ask first, though I’m not sure that wouldn’t be considered boorish if they really didn’t want my spouse/SO to come.
I think it boils down to the bride/groom spending a little more time considering which guests have a spouse/SO that might be reasonably expected to accompany the guest, versus obviously single friends who should not expect to bring a date.
Easiest thing is just not to go.
Failing that, ask something like “If I can make it, I assume it’s ok to bring my girlfriend <girlfriend name> with me?” Their answer should prove enlightening.
If the bride has a budget for 100 guests, and invites 100 friends without their spouses/SO, I would say her problem goes far beyond a budget failure.
Exactly. A wedding/reception is primarily for the enjoyment of the guests, not the couple.
What does etiquette say about the officiant?
I’ve performed 4 weddings (Reverend in the Universal Life Church). They were weddings for friends, and I had a great time. But I never received an “invitation”, so I attended solo. Is that the way it’s done?
Please don’t pretend to speak for all “Asians” (as if we were some sort of monolithic group with identical customs anyway :rolleyes:). My now-wife and I spent months poring over our guest list and were extremely careful to include the long-term significant others of every single guest on their written invitations. We would have been quite offended if our guests had decided to just tack on additional plus-ones without checking in with us first.
I should note that we were perfectly happy to respond to anyone with questions about our guest policy and ultimately had zero issues. We know as well as they do that wedding etiquette is poorly standardized and that it’s better for all concerned if things are clarified in advance rather than be surprised by the reception cost at the back end. So my advice to the OP is to go ahead and ask. If you’re not comfortable asking the couple directly, speak to the maid of honor, best man, or someone in the immediate family - they should be familiar with the couple’s guest policy.
In this situation it applies to couples made up of people, one of whom knows one of the bridal party slightly, and has a girlfriend who they know hardly at all.
Married couples are considered a social unit. Other kinds of couples is a judgment call on who to invite. The judgment is made by the host and hostess of the party, and is not subject to override by the invitees.
A wedding reception is a formal party. One responds to an invitation to a formal party either by accepting the invitation with pleasure, or by declining it with regret. One does not open negotiations with the hostess on who else she should have invited, or what she should be spending.
Regards,
Shodan
IMHO:
If you’re having a wedding to celebrate your love, assume that no one wants to attend solo. Give everyone an opportunity to bring a person, whether that’s their spouse, SO, date, friend, whomever-just a person to keep themselves company.
If you get an invitation for one and aren’t familiar enough with the family/ friends/ bride/ groom to ask if it’s ok to bring someone, send a regrets card and don’t attend. You don’t know the people well enough to have that awkward scene and if they’re that “tight” on cash for invitations and place settings, then you’ve just saved them a bazillion dollars (or so) apparently.
If you do go and just bring your SO anyways, make sure to propose during the dinner. Do your best to change the focus of the event.
Depends if you received an invitation or not. As an officiant myself, some friends have welcome me to stay and I have done so but not brought a guest. Others I have received official invitations with my name and guest. Still others I didn’t assume I was invited to the reception and did not attend. I never assume and certainly would never ask and put someone on the spot that way. I assume people know what they are doing and strive to be as polite as possible.
Ooh, that could double as a gift!
I believe you answered the question in the beginning of this thread appropriately according to the standards of social etiquette. Quite frankly I remain surprised that there is a debate about this.
I wouldn’t pretend to speak for Asians, but if you had been raised by my mother you would know that, far from being poorly standardized, American wedding etiquette is rather stricter than the Nuremberg war trials. There are all kinds of things that one May Not Do, and many of the rules are designed with questions like the OP in mind.
It matters not if Aunt Prunella is getting hitched to her fourth husband in the Cathedral with the Right Reverend Sphincterspasm presiding, or cousin Boo Boo is celebrating her happy occasion at the VFW with two hundred bratwurst, three kegs, and fifty of her closest friends to dance to a second-hand boom box - Thou Shalt Not Fuck Up the Guest Count is writ in stone. Because it ticks off the caterer, and God knows we spent enough on the flowers that we can’t afford her to charge extra because somebody and somebody else we never met are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
Regards,
Shodan
I generally agree with this. Thread drift meant that we were now discussing the general topic of significant others being invited (or not) to weddings. Also, I would not consider finding a polite way to ask whether an SO’s non-invitation was an oversight or not to be a “negotiation,” particularly if you can manage to ask the mother of the bride or groom or someone else who knows the answer but will not be put on the spot. And finally, I’m not the one who brought cost considerations into this discussion. In my opinion, it’s none of my business what someone is spending on their wedding and should not even be a part of my decision-making about any of this.
How is this NOT the most obvious answer–period? Screw all the “etiquette” nonsense–if you know them well enough to attend their wedding, don’t you know them well enough to call them up?
That’s been addressed. Married couples are considered a social unit. All other couples are subject to the judgment call of the host and hostess.
Thread drift has also meant that we have had several suggestions that one might not attend a wedding unless a long-term girlfriend, who the bridal couple may or may not remember, is invited.
Funny, I could have sworn you said this -
Budgeting is cost consideration.
Regards,
Shodan
Yeah, that was in response to someone saying that you should take into consideration the fact that a couple may be shelling out $200 a head for guests or whatever. 1) I don’t really think that should be a relevant issue, but 2) if it were, then maybe they should budget better in the first place.
edit:
Yup. I stand by my opinion that failing to invite long-term significant others is a dick move.
So a couple that just met and got married a month earlier is more legitimate than a couple that has been together for 10 years but aren’t married. Gotcha.
Yep, that’s the rule. See, there are advantages to getting married.