Wedding opinions wanted! (Dress related and long!)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m finally getting around to looking for a wedding dress. Yay! When I thought about who I’d like to go with me, it was my mom. My mom was a workaholic throughout my childhood and adolesence. Now that she’s retired we’re starting to form that mother daughter bond that I always wanted. Though sometimes our interactions are a little awkward and I never know what my mom is thinking or is implying.

When I first asked her if she’d like to go with me to look at wedding dresses, she seemed kinda ambivalent about the whole matter. I thought it meant she didn’t really want to go, then my fiance’s brother got really sick and passed away so the wedding plans were put on hold for about 8 months while the family grieved.

Now the fiance and I are starting to plan our wedding and my first thought is about the dress because my friends who are getting married said it takes 9 months or so to get the dress ordered in my size and altered.

My mom has been in Thailand for a month already to visit family and to get some dental work done. I asked her if she’d like me to wait for her to come back (which will be until late August) so that we could look for a dress together. She changed her tune and said “yes! yes! wait for me!”. Ok, I can wait, no worries.

Then yesterday my co-worker said that the boutique where her sister just got her wedding dress is having a huge sale. Turns out that a relative of the boutique’s owner just passed away so she’s trying to get rid of her stock before she flies overseas to be with family for a while. Apparently the dresses are all very nice, designer and 50-70% off and there’s nothing wrong with them!

I called my mom and asked if it was ok to look at wedding dresses with my friends or my future MiL (we’re pretty close and she volunteered to go with me in case my mom didn’t want to go with me). My mom didn’t say anything for a bit, but said “…yeeees…I guess it’s ok…can you have a dress put on hold so I can look at it? Don’t get a dress just because it’s cheap!”

The thing is, the owner is leaving before my mom gets back to the states. And there is no guarantee I’m buying a dress at this boutique, but I’d like to check them out.

Am I taking away something really big and special to a mother? I just don’t know with my mom. My family normally isn’t very big on birthdays or holidays so I’m not sure where she stands on this. I am her only daughter, but who knows what she’s thinking. I feel bad about going without my mom to look at a dress but I’d really like to check this out. If I can buy a $1000 dress for $500, that’s $500 that could be put toward the food or the venue or something.

Or am I worrying too much?

2

Could you maybe have whoever goes with you take photos of you in the different dresses? That way your mother could feel included in your decision. Just a thought.

3

Take lots of pictures, share them with your mother, get her opinion if there’s time. If you have to get a dress without her, or if there’s one there that you fall in love with and they won’t hold it, try to include her in some other aspect of the shopping or choosing. Take her to help you pick out a veil and shoes, or get her in on the flowers or something. I’d guess, if you’re her only daughter, helping you pick a wedding dress may be turning out to be more important to her than even she realized. Ask her. You might be surprised at what comes out of the conversation.

4

I bought my dress online (Target Bridal, $159)… my mom was pretty bummed about the whole thing, even though she knows I have bad bad shopping mojo and am really mean and emotional when shopping (because my hate of shopping burns like the fire of a thousand suns andnothingfitsmeilooklikeatoadgodmomjustLEAVE ME ALONE). Ahem. yeah, I’m also crazy because I’m not wearing diamonds, a veil, or high heels (I’m wearing sneakers under my floor length dress, qu’elle horreur)(JESUS GOD MOM NO ONE WILL SEE THEM LEAVE ME ALONE). Ahem.

My point is, weddings are a time when everyone has a freaking opinion about what you “should” or “must” do and/or feel. Stick to what feels right for you, respect the opinions and feelings of others but don’t get steamrolled either (IMHO, delicate balance there).

So, no, I don’t think you “owe” your mom a shopping trip, not at the expense of $500 which sounds like a not-inconsiderable part of your budget – and personally I think your mom’s opinion of the dress is of 0% importance – You’re the one who has to feel comfortable and/or beautiful in it (and there are a LOT of sabotaging mom’s out there, you wouldn’t believe the stories I’ve heard) – but if it is important I would make a particular effort to include her elsewhere. Maybe you two could shop together for HER outfit, at a later time?

5

I agree with this. My mom and I have a great relationship (which it looks like you’re building one) and it was great picking out wedding stuff together–particularly the dress.

6

I ordered my dress online and noone helped me pick it out. (I’m totally with you Hello Again!) My mom did get a kick out of going to the alteration place with me though. She helped me get in and out of the dress and could see what the bustle was going to look like when I couldn’t see the back myself. She got to tell the seamstress how things should look and what kind of straps to add. She also showed me how I should tie the petticoat and whether I should wear a veil or not, etc. That seemed to be plenty enough dress involvement for my mom.

7

My mom lives out of state and she wasn’t able to be present when I was choosing my dress. I think we both felt bad about it, but I sent her photos of my top picks and she appreciated that. I agree that including her in whatever you can is a nice thing to do, even if it’s just sending photos and asking her opinions.

I also treated my mom to a manicure the day before the wedding, and it was nice to have some mother/daughter alone time in the midst of all the craziness.

8

Thank you everyone for your opinions!

My mom is not computer or phone saavy at all. If I took pictures, I would have to show them to her on my camera or print out pictures to show her. So I couldn’t ask her for her opinion beforehand.

But that’s a great idea Hello Again about me helping her pick out her outfit for the wedding! It won’t be the same, but it’ll be us working together at least.

Sahara Tea, my mom is weird about people touching her. Asians aren’t known for being very touchy. In fact, I haven’t hugged my mom since I was…14? It just got too awkward if that gives you an idea of how touchy my family is.

I told my mom that I would include her on all the other wedding stuff, it’s just that if there’s a fantastic dress that’s really cheap, I’d like to go for it. I think my looking for a dress without her bothers her, but I want to look around. My mom said that she wanted to buy the dress for me as her wedding present. It’s a very sweet gift, but hey, maybe this means she can chip in for something else! :smiley:

I hope it works out.

Let’s see if I find the dress! Unfortunately the SO is a Doper so I can’t post pictures until after the wedding. You’ll just have to wait for our wedding post! :slight_smile:

9

Some stores won’t allow you to take photos of you wearing a dress until you make your final purchase. Couldn’t tell you why, but I remember those rules from my own wedding, seven years ago.