My husband likes newbies. He married one.
Okay, by the time we were married I wasn’t a newb. BUT, I’d only been actively posting for a few months when we met.
Um…pie?
Thanks for the welcome. I love the board but I fear my boss might notice the sudden slack in performance. This place is addicting. Multitasking is an art as well as a skill.
Darn you Jenaroph!! Darn you to H-E double hockey sticks!!! (I try to save all my expetives for the Pit). You took my joke! I was gonna be the clever newbie, wise beyond my post count but nooooo, you had to ruin everything! 
Wanna be my nemesis?
Rotten, stinking newbies.
I’d poke you with my newbie pokin’ stick, but welby stole it. Probably to use on his parakete.
Rotten, stinking welby.
<looking secretively around monitor to make sure no one at work is looking>
I came across a thread here about someone that got trapped in a bathroom with a black widow spider. I sent my friend (a history teacher) the link (Spider Pants Thread). When she read it, her class was watching a film on the Holocaust and witnessed her bust out laughing and spraying her computer with water.
Thank you SDMB for making my life complete (or at least entertaining).
<quickly minimizing screen and pretending to work once more>
Welcome all newbies! Pay no attention to Exgineer; he’s a sorry grump who refuses to flirt with me.
Quantum Butterfly I recently noticed your cool name!
Glad to have you all! 
I brought corn.
Nice yellow corn.
I brought whipped cream. 
Don’t listen to Ellen. She doesn’t know my pain.
Newbies are disgusting. I don’t have any use for lurkers, either, because they’re obviously a pack of stupid losers.
It’s ridiculous for you people to expect me to take anything you post seriously, what with your pathetically tiny post-counts of, like, 4 or something. So don’t even try. Don’t even think about posting something light-hearted and fun in MPSIMS, or answer a question in GQ, or discuss comic books in CS, or, God forbid, actually start a thread somewhere.
Just stop posting and go away.
Welcome, all you wonderful newbies! Thrilled to meetcha!
Also, I wanted to offer you all Imaginary Welcome Cookies. They’re chocoate and raisin and coconut and stuff. Not all in the same cookie, though. There are many varieties. That’s what I was getting at. Sorry if it was unclear.
Hope you all enjoy it here!
Love,
Kn*ckers
Waves a disgusting-newbie-long-time-lurker-ridiculously-low-post-count-one-fingered-saluting hand at Exgineer. We are like cats that know who it is that hates us, and head straight for them.
Oh, and hello everybody. I brought beer.
Just for that, Exgineer, you don’t get any of the Chocolate Ecstasy I brought, otherwise known as pecan fudge. I even posted the recipe on the Ultimate Recipe Thread Vol. II! Now, how do I link to a thread…?
::dangles piece of fudge:: Mm-mm! Rich creamy chocolate, with the aroma of toasted pecans mingling with the incredible flavor of Ghirardelli on your tongue… too bad newbie-teasers don’t get any! ::proceeds to eat fudge slowly and luxuriously, passing the plate to any fellow newbies and/or friendly Dopesters who want some::
Dang smileys… I have GOT to remember that in future…
You know what’s going to happen next, don’t you?
Some filthy newbie-lover is going to bump this thread off the second page, and start posting crap like, “I love newbies, I think newbies are wonderful. Oh, and I just love the lurkers to itsy-witsy widdle pieces too.”
That’s what’s going to happen.
Rotten post-count traitors.
Then, some other jerk will come in when the first bump didn’t work, because the board was all congested and stuff, and bump it again. Maybe the same jerk, who knows.
I hate, hate, hate, the newbies.
Like I said, I hate 'em.
Crap. I’ve lost all my credibility in this thread. Dang you, newbies!
Hi, everyone! I’m a newbie. I’ve lurked around for a few years actually, and finally decided to register because of all the down time at my workplace during the summer.
I’m sure that’s endlessly fascinating to all of you.
I am ready to share my self-depricating wit, panache, intriguing theories, wild hypotheses, uncalled-for advice, stimulating ideas, ignorance-fighting tricks, intense mental fortitude, and endless strands of useless trivia.
I also am ready to share in all the wonders and faults of my brothers and sisters here at the SDMB.
So, I implore you…please love me!!!
“I love newbies, I think newbies are wonderful. Oh, and I just love the lurkers to itsy-witsy widdle pieces too.”
I’m new! Shall I regale you now with a very special performance of “Brass in Pocket”?
I’m special, so special…
I got to have some of your attention
Give it to me!
Dung Beetle – you may be my friend. Having Chrissie Hynde’s purr in my head can only improve my otherwise dreadful morning. Thanks!