Hey, chi…errr…JC, methinks something’s brewing down at the Town Planner’s office. Can I go? Pleeeease? CanIcanIcanIcanIcanI? I’m almost done on the “Local Woman Crusades Against Belly-button Lint” piece…
MEMO
To: All employees of KDPE Radio
From: Rico, General Manager
Re: Unlawful takeover of television station.
As you probably have heard by now, Town Manager Plnnr has instituted a personal vendetta against the local TV station, simply because his secretary wanted bigger boobs. Smelling scandal, my good friend ivylass sent her camera crew to the town offices, threatened to expose the town manager, and in retaliation, the town manager cut off all access to the TV station studios.
While we could gloat about this on the air and take advantage of a competitor’s problem, that is not the way of Dopeville. Effective immediately, the following precautions will be taken.
Swampbear, while up until now you have not been an official employee of KDPE, let me welcome you to our staff as our official Militia Coordinator. You are hereby dirercted to raise an armed militia, and protect our broadcasting site on Mt. Cecil just northeast of town. Protect it against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
widdershins, you will take the station Jeep and the remote broadcast trailer and drive out of town to the undisclosed location we will speak about in private. Aim the remote antenna at the transmitter site so if our studios get knocked off the air, you can take over broadcasting from our remote location.
Me, I will maintain a 24 hour watch at our downtown studios, and run editorials four times an hour abotu the unlawful suppression of our constitutional rights. Freedom of the press is very important, and Ivylass, you are more than welcome to join us in our protest against the evil town management. In fact, I’ll even give you a two hour a day talk show if you so desire.
Anyone else up for helping KDPE fight against the injustice done to our local TV station?
Best to let the government do it’s work and go about your daily lives. Really. Trust me on this.
"Please go & switch the sewer line for the water, & vicea versa " Sure thing, Chief!
Also --Public Notice.
The City Council–A.K.A. The Illuminated Order Of Masons–has made it illegal to keep jackalopes within the City Limits, for reasons of health, and because they don’t exist. All other non-existant creatures may still be kept & permitted to wander freely, except Chupacabra, which must be leashed. Thank You.
Poor, poor deluded people. Don’t they know you can’t fight City Hall.
Now, go back to your little lives and leave the running of the world to those who know how to run it - white men in suits with a hot young woman in one hand and a martini in the other.
Miss Galore would you please come into my office…I feel like dictating a letter…
Dammit, ** Townie**, quit drinking and get back to work! The rush is on for Naughty Swimming Attire for Skerri’s Tahiti night. I’m pricing the huge shipment of bikinis and speedos I just got in, the lapidary saw’s on the fritz, and I’ve still got three poodles to bathe! So get in here - there’s a buxom young blonde looking for some help in the fitting room. Think you could handle that?
Maintains a curious silence
Town Character #1
- Mutters something under his breath and shuffles into Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe, leaving his brown paper bag on the curb. Then, proceeding to the fitting room, attempts to put a bikini on the bitch, but the poodle will have none of that.*
plnnr,
So when shall we schedule that audit?
Signed,
Nutty Bunny–Tax preparer/auditor
A drunken bear is the militia coordinator. What should I do to protect Mt. Cecil from all enemies foreign and domestic? Should I pee on 'em or just pelt 'em with beer cans? Oh and understand this: when FairyChatMarm’s studly cook places fresh baked cookies on the window sill to cool and I smell 'em, I’m outta this whole militia thingy. A bear’s gotta eat ya know. A bear’s gotta write a gossip column too. A bear’s also gotta make beer runs. Tell ya what, just forget the whole militia thing, I got gossip, beer drinking and cookie snatching to attend to.
Memo
TO: Ms. Pussy Galore
FROM: Plnnr, Town Manager
Please take $10,000 from petty case and deliver it to Nutty Bunny for services rendered.
When you return, please come back into my office. I think I’d like to dictate another letter.
Ok, so the bear’s toast(ed)…
Any freedom-loving person out there willing to protect our transmitter site? Or do I have to do everything myself?
<Pulls up outside the TV Station in the Gazette company car. Gets out and closes the door, causing the car to fall apart>
Oops. I guess I should have asked permission to take the car first. Ah, well. I couldn’t just wait around for JC to stop being so curiously silent. There was NEWS to be had!
<Runs over to whoever he can find>
I’m Jester from the Gazette! What’s the scoop? Is there really a war brewing between the Television station and the City Planning Office? Is there any word on where the “remote broadcasting location” is? Will this limit my ability to watch pornogra…errr…nature documnetaries?
It’s English Breakfast.
Hey, I recognize you! You’re that guy who’s always staring at me in the library, as if I were one of Mr. Welby’s harlots. And don’t you have some library books that are overdue?
And you can read about them in next weeks Gazette.
Where is that Jester. I swear, the press pass has gone to his head.
Hey, where’s my car?
Maintains dignified silence on the whole ‘war’ thing.
Speaking of, you still owe me $300 for the last girl I sent you.
MEMO
TO: Ms. Pussy Galore
FROM: Plnnr
Please retrieve $300 from petty cash and meet me in my office. I’d like to dictate yet another letter.
Ha! Right after I Have-A-Heart trap Cougarfang outside Eve’s trash, I’m headed for Tahiti Night! I figure Plnnr will be blotto enough to sign my request for salary increase without a struggle. 
Ummmmmmmmm…did I just get killed? See, I got this beer and cookie buzz going and I really can’t tell. If I’m dead, then the bear cave down at the end of Elm Street is now haunted. :eek:
All right, scott, but we don’t have much of a budget, so don’t quit if I can’t give you any more money! But don’t worry, I have faith that you can do anything. In fact, there’s only one other person who can do what you do, and that’s Barbra Streisand.
But I don’t act. I will produce, direct, stage manage, or be a casting agent, but no one wants to see me have a lead in a musical.
We’ll get Quasimodem to help us, and with his job at the radio station, we’ll get good publicity!