Ok, I just don’t get this. Between this thread and the other one RE “ask the chippie”, aka Ask The Other Woman, I am getting more irate and confused by the day.
Here’s a notion: how about it’s just plain WRONG to have an affair? I don’t care if the other spouse is having one; I don’t care if s/he’s “ok” or “aware of it” or “our marriage is on its last legs anyway” or “we are only roommates at this point” etc.
NONE of that matters–those are all excuses for very bad behavior. What happened to personal responsibility and your own code of ethics/morality (and I refuse to get sucked into which is which. We all know what is wrong and right in this situation*). How about a conscience, folks? How does one sleep at night, knowing that diddling about with Joanie in Accounts Payable is hurting her, your wife, your job future (everyone at work knows their doing the nasty–that sort of thing is so obvious to coworkers), your reputation amongst your peers/colleagues and friends?
Ok, sure, your spouse may be a raving bitch (excuse); you may be filing for divorce (excuse); you may be so lonely you could die(excuse). There’s a solution to ALL of this: get a friggin’ divorce and THEN re-enter the sandbox.
I don’t care if Brad Pitt throws himself at your feet, crying that Angelina just doesn’t understand him and he likes what he sees in you. (I don’t find Pitt in the least attractive, but even if Viggo–fans self–himself were married and wanted to bed me, the answer would still be NO). Where is personal honor and integrity here vs. an orgasm with someone whose dirty socks you have yet to pick up?
I swear I am a throwback and will start wearing corsets and a bustle any day now. WTF is wrong with people?
Rant over.
Not yet! And Nooner–why is it up the wife to now do something about it, when it’s the man who can’t keep his pants zipped? Talk about side-stepping responsibility for his actions? Boggles my mind, it does.
*anyone who brings up Open Marriage gets it in the chops. That’s a whole separate issue.
I was the other woman back about 29 years ago, although they were only dating and had not yet gotten engaged. I knew he intended to stay in a relationship with her but, as he put it, she was four states away at the time, I was here, and what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. And, being in my stoopit 20s, I thought that made perfect sense. So the “affair” lasted a few months.
I found myself hoping, when he told me they’d now moved in together, that she’d have all these annoying little habits that would drive him bonkers and their relationship would be over. But they did get engaged, so I pulled away, and they got married. I still hadn’t met her but, disappointed and heartbroken as I was, he made his choice. So fine. But he kept flirting with me, wanting to start things up again. It took a lot of willpower for me not to jump into the sack with him. I was relieved when his company transferred him to London for a few years - she went happily, I could not have - it would give me time to get over him. But it wasn’t until they were back in the US, and she was pregnant with their first, that the lightbulb went on over his head.
I look at it all as a life experience that helped me find out who I was (old fashioned and monogamous) and made me who I am today.
Because in this case he is the one running around, and she is the one who (AFAWK) isn’t. If it were the other way around, I would say that the husband has to decide what to do about it. Nothing about gender, all about individuals in one position or the other.
Also – never mind open marriage; if she knows, how is this married-but-only-in-name any different from being the mirror image of couples “living in sin?” If we define marriage as the be-all-and-end-all of the definition of a couple, let’s do that and rail against non-married couples. Otherwise let’s just accept that what matters is not the piece of paper, but the state of mind.
I think you can guess on which side of this fence I come down.
He “says” she knows about it but I’d bet some kesh that is BS. She may suspect but these guys are usually liars as well as cheaters. IMO you need to treat your partner (married or not) as you want them to treat you, i.e., honestly.
He’s the one running around and yet she is the one who has to be the grown up and NOT get her rocks off but file for the divorce etc? That’s lunacy. He should grow a set, tell her he’s unhappy and he’s leaving her, file and then go find Lurv. I agree it has nothing to do with gender–it’s to do with who is doing the weasel thing. If the husband is the cheater, he needs to step up and make it right. If it’s the wife, she needs to do likewise. In no way is it up to the “innocent bystander” aka the non-fornicating spouse to do anything (except maybe maim the no good louse).
Marriage in name only is waaaay different than “living in sin” (that’s a quaint phrase, btw). Marriage in name only is a corpse on life support–it needs mercy killing. Living in sin (I know several couples who have kids but aren’t married etc) is not the same as being the last 2 live cells in a dead body. Many livers in sin are happy as clams, faithful and steadfast. It’s not about the piece of paper in this case–I’m talking about a mindset. My mindset is not that my physical needs trump integrity. I don’t understand how being unhappy allows someone to renege on their contract, ie, their marriage vow.
I mean, seriously, if the marriage is that empty-why stay? Are the kids truly better off if mom is off fucking Mr Smith and dad is getting horizontal with Auntie Joanie?
Anyrose–I, personally, don’t count unmarried stuff as heavily as married. Doesn’t mean I don’t know it can hurt worse or that I think it doesn’t matter; it’s just that marriage/divorce has legal ramifications that bedhopping whilst single doesn’t.
And I must apologize: I am writhing with embarrassment–in my rant I used “their” instead of “they’re”. :eek:
Howdy Y’all! One down and four to go! I had two hours worth of trainin’ today and an hour long team meeting. Woo and Hoo.
BooFae dang! If the rest of the group is not really keen on meetin’ the guy it’d be a good thing not to bring him along. Then again, she might feel like she’s being told she’s not a part of the group because of who she’s ummm… dating. Tough one. However, there’s nothing that says you have to be anything but cooly civil towards him. Not everybody likes everybody and fits in every place. Seems to me it’d be better if she considered you alls get together times as just time to hang with her friends and see him at other times.
Ruble I’m bi-slothful.
On that note, I’s hongry and gonna go eat. We swiped General Tso’s dindin tonight.
{{mmmmmmmmmmmms}} I don’t know if you can do it financially, but if you can, just say f*** it and leave. Go be with Mr. Ems. Your sanity isn’t worth whatever the company can give you.
Now, now. You don’t truly hate Paris. Paris in February is hardly Paris at its best…
I’ll give you the Metro, though–and there are some “interesting” types on that mass transit, eh?
Cold water is GOOD for you. It, er, tightens your pores and makes you look fresh–yes, that’s it. It makes you look fresh and dewy!
Can’t help you with your company. Sounds like they suck. Sorry…
I found some boots. I’m not thrilled with them, but they’ll do and they were dirt cheap, so if I find I truly hate them, I’m not out of pocket (much). Carson’s had many pairs of lovely, lovely fashion boots, but none in my size. I waited too long to do this–I should have gotten them in November. Then again, mine were less than half price, so there is that…
Whoa! What is this, Great Debates??? :p:D I’m with you, rigs. If you’ve chosen to be married, then be married. If it’s not working out, then you figure out whether you’re going to work to fix it or you get the heck out.
Ennyway: Long day. Tired. Lots of meetings, plusalso fancy lunch. (Do-over from the holidays where we had not good service and wildly mis-cooked food. Today was much better, but still not great.)
I’m here, I agree with **rigs **about cheaters, I wasn’t impressed with Paris in January, and it’s *#%&(%^$#@% *snowing here!!! :mad: They’re talking 3-6" possible by morning. Enough already!!
In other news, my slab roller is here - in 4 boxes. I moved the boxes from the driveway to the garage, and daughter and I just moved them into the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get them into the basement. I’m much too tired to bother tonight.
I got an insurance statement from Blue Cross/Blue Shield North Carolina. I live in Maryland. I have no idea what it’s about, but by the time I called, they’d closed for the day, so I’ll have to call again tomorrow. I hope my insurance number hasn’t been compromised…
I was gonna ask if it was Firday yet, but we’re supposed to get more of the white shit on Friday. We are NOT amused. :mad:
Well, even I’d say that y’all have gotten enough snow, already. We got a dusting today and it was really pretty coming down. Something about snow falling makes me feel peaceful and content. I realize I’m in the minority here, but…
I’m off to take a bubble bath and then decide What to Wear to Work on the Morrow. And to think I used to bitch about having to wear a uniform!
I’m so mad at myself. I have NO self discipline and its going to kill me. Two of my classes are independent studies so I HAVE to work on my own. Well I keep wasting the ENTIRE day fucking around on the internet. And I’ll even stay up the whole night! What’s WRONG with me?!!
I came home to find out my son had broken the key in his car door lock, but since i had his spare, he had to wait for me to come home. He and my daughter have now gone to get his car at school.
Fortunately, they are going to stop and pick up dinner.
I gotta say, I’m in rig’s camp WRT the whole cheating issue. That’s all I’m going to say about it.
Wow, **FCM, **you guys sure are getting knocked around with the nasty weather. We had highs in the low fifties today.
ems, I’m thinking good thoughts for you and I hope your dumbass company does the right thing sooner than ASAP.
