What cococ said.
This is an interesting idea, I think I’ll try that… I need to find something to focus on when my mind wanders to him. One part of me wants to just go ahead and dwell but that never works out for me. What I need is a balance between “shoving it down and not dealing” and “oh pit of despair, I shall never climb out of you”. :rolleyes:
papergirl, I have given that advice to friends, but somehow it’s different when it’s me…?
No, it isn’t. And I need to stop acting like it is. He’s a jerk and not good for me and any good that existed between us has been long been twisted by all the bad.
I’m going to text the landlord today and make sure we’re square and then I’m blocking him. You guys are right, there’s no legitimate reason for him to contact me and I don’t need any BS he might decide to throw my way.
My good friend tells me about the really old people she meets when she takes her father to the hospital. People who are in their nineties and readonably happy, despite the declining state of their bodies. She says they stay happy by looking forward, not back, most of the time. Look forward, Nikki, that is the direction you are headed anyway.
Another lurker here, pulling for you.
My abusive late husband has been dead 11 years, and I still sometimes hear him in my head. And I tell him to shut the F up. I’m remarried, and one time my (new wonderful!) husband asked me why I do something a certain way, and I said because my late husband told me that was the right way to do it.
It was FOLDING MY OWN DAMN UNDERWEAR!
I put up with all the same things you’ve mentioned… phone call monitoring, isolating me from family, accusing me of fucking every man I had any contact with, worrying about being stuck in traffic because of the aforementioned fucking every man…
I never left him, though; he died. I couldn’t bring myself to leave him because he had a terminal disease. I was very relieved when he finally passed away, but I still missed him. I get that you miss him.
I think you are very brave, and I’m proud of you for leaving the asshole. I promise you, it gets better!
Yay Dolores for going out and living your life after being suppressed for so long!
Yay Nikki for continuing to forge ahead! You might want to make a goals board or list and post it where you will see it every day.
You’re awesome, Nikki, and so are all you other people who are so supportive. Why didn’t I post when my boyfriend a couple years ago dumped me because he didn’t like my cats and then proceeded to go even crazier than I initially thought possible?
Nikki, I remember when he and I’d been split up for a year, and I wrote a post on facebook that basically said, well, it’s been a year and here is how I’m going to celebrate: I plan to run the AC with the windows open, give my dogs table scraps, spend too much money on fruit and books, call my mom and gossip, wear makeup…this list went on for a good twenty items. Of course I was already doing all those things but it was fun to make it official.
You don’t have to wait a year–write yourself a list and start celebrating your freedom NOW (and I know you are in some ways at least!), because it’s been hard-won and well-deserved.
I also wrote a “Go Me!” type poem that I posted on my front door where I see it every time I leave. If you want to see it, I’ll post it too.
I want to see it!
Okay, well remember I’m actually a decent poet, but I didn’t write this to be “good” poetry. I wrote it to remind myself that my then-boyfriend had no hand in getting me to this very good place in my life and that I did not answer to him for my choices. 
This is right on my front door, eye-level, where I couldn’t avoid it.
Remember this.
You walked out of your lost past
to get to this place.
And you got here nearly alone
nearly without help.
With no one beside you
but your mom
and kids and dogs.
For them, you got here.
Because of them, with them,
you got here.
You do not have to be alone in the world
to be strong in the world.
But you must be strong
every time you walk in this door
and every time
you walk out.
(Gosh, that made me cry a little. I worked so very hard to get out and to have my own life. And I wake up every morning and am thankful for everything I have, as well as everything I have left behind. Hang in there, Nikki!)
Thank you for posting your poem, papergirl. It’s inspiring even to those of us who’ve never been in an abusive relationship, but could use a good reminder to keep moving forward.
Nikki Tikki Tavi, I’ve been following your story and I’m very proud of you for making such positive changes in your life. My best friend went through something similar many years ago, and I was so dismayed that she didn’t come to me for help. I’ve never judged her for being in the situation, I just wish I could’ve helped her get out of it. Please continue to give your friends and family the gift of letting them be there for you.
Nikki, how are you doing? ((hugs))
You sound for all the world like the other half of TimeWillTell’s relationship.
I wish the best for you and your dogs. I have been where you are and lived to tell the tale.
That is a very powerful poem, papergirl.
Yes, Nikki - check in please!
Nikki - how are you?
Yes, I would like to hear from you as well Nikki. Whether you’ve had setbacks or are continuing to move on, we are here to hear and help if needed.
Papergirl, heard from Nikki lately?
I’ll bet she went back, and doesn’t want to talk about it or post about it. However this has worked out, I’m here for you, Nikki. I understand exactly what this is like.
She updated us in late October in post 66 of this thread. As of that date, she was maintaining single-arity.