I probably could. It would be tight but I could make it work, especially if I got a roommate. Expecting to be living with my mom for a few more months, I’ve booked overnight dog sitting jobs into September, which is not a huge hurdle but I would have to find someone to watch my dogs while I was gone if I were living alone.
She’s saying he didn’t pay rent for July and that he owes about $250 for the water bill. We texted back and forth a few times, ending with me saying “I do sympathize with where you’re at but I moved out in May and notified you of that.” I think the most she can hold me responsible for is 30 days after I told her I was moving, and that would be June rent, which was paid. Our lease expired in 2013 and she never sent a new one, which I suppose means we were month to month. She’s pissed but… shrug I tried to get a new lease in my name and she dragged her feet so long that when something had to give, I had to go.
He called me last night and told me some weird story about the landlord’s kid showing up at the house while he wasn’t there and climbing in through a window, I didn’t really understand what he was saying. He called the landlord about that situation and she “lost her shit” and told him “all of the lies I told her about him”. I asked what lies those might be, and he said “she forwarded me all of your text messages. I don’t want to get into that with you but I want you to know that I know.”
Heh. Quoting myself because the edit window would have closed on me as I was trying to add to my pervious post…
This is where I’m back in Bizarro World. Lies I told the landlord about him? I don’t even know what that means. I asked her for a new lease in my name so that if he wouldn’t leave I had some legal standing, which I told him I did, and when she was taking her time about it nudged her a few times saying “things are uncomfortable around here”. So… is he totally misreading something? Is she making something up to rile him? Is he making something up out of the blue so that he has a way to make me twist? Is he so delusional that he actually heard or saw something that wasn’t there?
It’s the same pattern of “you did something wrong but I’m not going to tell you what”. And I guess it really doesn’t matter at this point but it immediately put me back into that old nervous, stomachachey place.
You probably need to not be in contact with him now. Since he’s moved out, you have no reason to communicate with him - you’re not tied to him any longer, in any way. Deal with the landlord to resolve the issues with her, and block his number. With this communication he’s pulling you back into his sphere.
Just ignore them (the ex and the landlord). You gave notice and moved out. He’s looking for sympathy (and to make you feel guilty) and the landlord is looking for money. Don’t give in to either.
As you said in your last sentence: Nothing he says matters anymore. Anything he says to you will have been designed to serve his interests rather than yours; it will not be helpful information and should not be trusted, so don’t waste any mental energy trying to figure out what it means. Just let it go.
Unless you have some compelling unfinished business with him, you should not accept any communication from him (i.e… don’t pick up the phone, block his number so he can’t text you, block his email address), as it’s pretty much guaranteed to be toxic.
Seriously, memorize this, and say it to yourself when you start ruminating on the stupid shit he has said to you in the past:
While it’s pretty academic — see MachineElf’s post above — I would call it a tossup between c) and d). I’ve been through this scenario myself and watched several family members go through it (which was actually more useful because I could be a little more objective), and it seems that when you take control away from this sort of person they don’t know how to handle it and will flail around trying to get it back. It’s sort of like standing up to the playground bully. You’ve taken control — yay you! — and he may be feeling kind of adrift.
None of which should be construed as saying you should feel any kind of sympathy for him. He made his bed of nails, he needs to lie on it. And while it’s unfortunate (to say the least) that his son is caught up in the shitstorm, there’s nothing you can do about it without stepping back into the tar pit again.
(For some reason I’m reminded of something a friend said many years ago: “The problem was marital thrombosis. He was a clot.”)
There’s something about this that doesn’t make sense to me. His son was living with him in the same house, right? Wouldn’t that mean he had custody? I thought it was the obligation of the parent who didn’t have custody to pay child support to the parent who did have custody.
It is. The parent paying support can still exercise visitation rights, though, up to having custody almost half the time.
Yeah, probably just him doing what he always did. The very end of that post tells the story:
It’s like those stories about maximum security prisoners – anything he can possibly get his hands on to weaponize his environment. There doesn’t have to be any kind of persistent logic to it other than the underlying system, which is: Does this hurt? Does this hurt? Does this hurt? Ah, it does! And now that you’re hurt, let’s talk.
It’s something that’s really hard to come to terms with because of how odious it is, but abuse is a thing that it’s possible to be very good at. It “works” because they’re doing what works.
I agree with the others. Block his number. Deal with the landlord directly. But again, I recommend you speak to an organization on renter’s rights so that you know just what you are responsible for.
We had his son Thursday afternoon through Saturday evening, I don’t know how or if that changed after I moved out. He told me yesterday that he had a roommate lined up for his son’s “old room”, so either he lost/relinquished his partial custody or kiddo was moving into the main bedroom with him in order to free up that room. Or it was a girl that was moving in and he didn’t want to tell me that. Or he only has his son during the day time now. Or something. I don’t know and I shouldn’t care.
He sent me a garbled text last night saying that he had thing squared with the LL and that I was off the hook. I said “thank you, hope you are well” and got “things are horrible, enjoy your life, you’re a real fucking trip you know that?”
So… yeah. Should block his number but… Well I don’t even have a reason I can put out there with a straight face. If there was some sort of REAL emergency and he HAD to get ahold of me we have enough mutual friends that he could manage that.
Wow. That’s actually exactly his process… Phone call started off with a soft voice and lots of “things are really hard right now, I’m broken and beaten” then moved into “you are to blame!” when I glossed over that and tried to get down to business. When I stood firm on that, he started bringing up his kid and ended with “fine. I guess I have to take care of this myself since YOU don’t care about me.”
I think I said this before, but I don’t even think he’s doing it that deliberately. I think it’s what has gotten him what he wants with so many people that he does it without thinking.
Nikki, this is the very best advice I ever got, and I paid for it but I’m giving it to you for FREE! Don’t engage the crazy. Not once, not ever, not for a minute. Don’t engage him when he starts shit because arguing is a payoff for him, so he will keep doing it as long as you allow him to do so.
I have a crazy ex too. After we broke up a couple years ago, he spent a good year trying to talk to me in the form of arguing about…well, anything he could get me talking about. I finally wised up and cut him off completely, because I realized: he would rather argue with me than not talk to me at all. If we are arguing (in his mixed-up brain, anyway), there was a chance that we would QUIT arguing and get back together.
Be strong. Don’t engage him. You’ll be glad you took control of this.
Blocking his number is an EXCELLENT idea. It will help your sanity immensely. And you don’t need a reason, other than that he’s making you crazy. That’s more than reason enough.
Get this rent thing cleared up with the landlord ASAP, and then stop all contact. All contact. No emails, no phone calls, no nothing.
I speak from harsh, but highly educational, experience.
Block his number, talk with the landlord to get off the lease. He’s going to keep insulting and belittling you and taking out his anger on you. You already know that he’s not going to change.
If there was some sort of REAL emergency…it would be HIS emergency, not yours. Contact with him is toxic - you know this - and you’re not going to have a real shot at happiness until you break things off with him completely.
Nothing he says matters anymore, so there’s no reason to waste your time listening to anything he says.
Hope you don’t mind me chiming in at this late date. It took a lot of courage for you to do what you did. You reminded me of what I went through when I had to end my marriage.
I recommend that you verify with the Landlord that he has, in fact, squared things and that you are “off the hook”. You don’t want things to sneak up and bite you on the tush as you get your new life in order.
And once you’re certain you’re in the clear on those issues, I think you should block his number. There’s no good reason for you to stay in communication with him. Do you want to be confronted with more of his emotional blackmail? I don’t see how that would do YOU any good and you’re not responsible for his good. He sure didn’t seem to care about your good.
It’s sounds to me like you’ve succeeded in the most basic task - SURVIVAL. You’re away from him. Look, your life is off kilter now. The old normal is dead and gone and you’re searching for your new normal. And periods of transition like this can really suck. Fight the urge to go back to that old normal and very gradually and stealthily, you’ll start moving into your new normal.
And you may be going through PTSD now. Find a counselor. It can’t do you any harm and might help. And you can always vent here.
You posted: . If there was some sort of REAL emergency and he HAD to get ahold of me we have enough mutual friends that he could manage that.
Nikki, because you said this, I believe you have not yet accepted that it is completely over-- i.e. you are thinking something like-- “if he needed me, I would be there”. There is no emergency in the world where he would need you. There is no emergency in the world where you would help him. OVER means OVER. I hope you can gradually change your thinking to eliminate any scenario where the two of you are communicating.
Exactly. He is not your problem anymore. Block him. People like that spend a great deal of energy in making sure that they are your only thought. Like when you go to CVS ferchrissakes. But I know just how you feel. Two years after I left my ex I caught myself in the grocery store starting to pick up the brand HE liked of an item, because I was tired and just couldn’t face fighting about it. It makes me sick to think how thoroughly he had trained me to expect pain anytime I did anything I liked.
I had to make a conscious effort to replace those thoughts. I would say that you should make yourself go to CVS, and then get only what you want or need. Make a decision in advance about what you will choose to think about if thoughts of him or his preferences begin to sneak in. Take back your territory - meaning both your geography and your thought patterns.
