Were you "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Or did you manage to reform?

[Cinnamon_Imp]

@TokyoPlayer

I cheated a lot in my previous relationships. With this marriage, I knew I had to stop.

As others say, the important point is figuring out why you cheated in the first place. Unhappy? Very screwed up? (Waves hand.) etc. When things go bad, you look for outside sex like some people turn to alcohol? Want to end the relationship, but can’t face your partner? (Waves hand again)

Or, just because you could, and you don’t see anything wrong with it.

If it’s the former, then you have to learn how selfish you are behaving, really understand why and how to solve your issues without cheating, and work on changing yourself.

If it’s the later, then do any potential partner a favor and tell them straight out that you aren’t capable of a monogamous relationship.

YMMV, and there are many other cases. This is not a black and white issue.

Yeah, it’s probably the former, and I probably have bigger issues than just cheating! Oh, and I also turn to the alcohol

Thanks for the replies again everyone!

I don’t think anyone’s answered this bit though - now that I’m dating again, do I keep quiet about it? I’m not planning on disclosing on the first date, but if something’s getting serious, at some point should I take the blame for one* of the reasons my marriage ended?

• Just one. His pregnant girlfriend was probably a bigger reason, not that I knew that at the time.

[Cicero]

Well, if you end up with the person with whom you were conducting the affair, telling becomes a moot point.

It’s difficult to contain a secret for any length of time anyway. Someone else apart from you obviously knows so it is not like it is only you that has to shut up.

[Cinnamon_Imp]

@Cicero

Well, if you end up with the person with whom you were conducting the affair, telling becomes a moot point.

It’s difficult to contain a secret for any length of time anyway. Someone else apart from you obviously knows so it is not like it is only you that has to shut up.

No, maybe I wasn’t clear, sorry

This is me, now single, not in touch with any of the previous gentlemen, and starting to date completely new men, uninvolved with the previous shenanigans. If one of these dates is going well, and looking like it’s turning into a relationship, do I admit to the poor guy that I’ve had problems with staying faithful?

I’m thinking I don’t volunteer it, but if the subject comes up, then admit it, while also making it clear I don’t intend to make the same mistakes again!

[Cicero]

I may be the one not being clear. I thought I addressed it in the second part of my post

[Cinnamon_Imp]

Oh, I thought you meant if I was cheating on the hypothetical new guy, that he’d find out. Sorry

Hmm, maybe, it’s not like I’m in touch with many people that knew about my extra-curricular activities (I did keep it fairly quiet). And I’d prefer to think that those of my friends who did know, wouldn’t drop it into conversation with a new partner that I’d just introduced them to!

But yeah, I suppose there are a few pissed-off friends of my ex in this town who’d just love to tell anyone who’d listen all about how awful I am. Good point, thanks

[Cicero]

The other point as well is, if you do end up long term, more than likely the person will find out about your membership of the Dope. All they need to do is search on what has interested you

[Cinnamon_Imp]

You’ve got a long memory

Nah, I’ve not mentioned my favourite band yet, and hardly posted in the Buffy threads, so they’d never know it was me

[manila]

I used to think that I was a serial monogamist. I wanted relationships but soon got sexually bored with my partners. It was crazy, I was with some women that I adored but just really grew bored with sex with them. Then I stopped being monogamous.

I went through a phase where I would only get involved with either married women, women in some other relationship ( but needed an extra outlet) or women so far my junior that eventually the inbuilt sell by date would kick in! It was thrilling and invigorating to have a sexual relationship with a woman and not have to be faced with dealing with the day to day minutiae in the turgid swamp of married life.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t minimising these relationships in my mind, I was deeply involved until they finished.

Now, I have a circle of varied and fascinating friends and partners who do not demand or want sexual exclusivity and its working out reasonably well. We don’t talk or if we do don’t dwell much on each others extracurricular activities except in a supportive way.

I am constantly amazed with friends who split up with partners and think that they need to get back out there and get another partner. After two or three split ups with major relationships you would think that people may give the option of staying single-but-occupied a shot?

I guess the only concern is hey what am I gonna do in my dotage hahaha? But really I don’t think a spouse or spawn is much a guarantee that you will have someone to look after you either.

The only thing that is essential is that you have to be honest at the outset what you want from any relationship. Ambiguity is gonna lead someone to heart ache, yet you need to be tactful about your intentions.

Fidelity is incredibly rare IMHO. People would be surprised how many of us are not into it

[Ambivalid]

@Dung_Beetle

Speaking from my personal experience, that part was so brief I hardly remember it. After that, it was all lying and plotting, scrounging for bits of time and trying to keep up deceptions, having to be careful about everything I said to anyone, always feeling frightened and guilty and worried. It was the opposite of fun.

Take away the specifics and this sounds like the description of a drug-addict’s experience with the brief, momentary euphoria of their drug-of-choice, followed by the inevitable cycle of addiction.

[Inigo_Montoya]

@hermette

I’m thinking I don’t volunteer it, but if the subject comes up, then admit it, while also making it clear I don’t intend to make the same mistakes again!

As someone who’s been cheated on and paid dearly for it in sanity and dollars, I would probably appreciate this approach. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to reinvent and prove themselves. Life is about learning, and it’s about becoming someone you want to be. If who you want to be is different in some way from who you were, there is no need to bring it up. Don’t deny it, of course, but if it’s not relevant to tomorrow, why not leave in yesterday.

Oh, and IMHO, cheating is not a “mistake.” Buying an overpriced stock and losing your shirt in the market, thinking a motionless aligator is asleep, spelling coyote with a k, grabbing the whole milk instead of skim, not deleting your paramour’s text messages from your phone–those are mistakes. Taking your clothes off and screwing someone apart from your SO, when you know your SO wouldn’t approve, is a deliberate act of betrayal. Some people are ok with that, others are not. That’s probably all I should say about it.

[BlinkingDuck]

@Inigo_Montoya

As someone who’s been cheated on and paid dearly for it in sanity and dollars, I would probably appreciate this approach. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to reinvent and prove themselves. Life is about learning, and it’s about becoming someone you want to be. If who you want to be is different in some way from who you were, there is no need to bring it up. Don’t deny it, of course, but if it’s not relevant to tomorrow, why not leave in yesterday.

Oh, and IMHO, cheating is not a “mistake.” Buying an overpriced stock and losing your shirt in the market, thinking a motionless aligator is asleep, spelling coyote with a k, grabbing the whole milk instead of skim, not deleting your paramour’s text messages from your phone–those are mistakes. Taking your clothes off and screwing someone apart from your SO, when you know your SO wouldn’t approve, is a deliberate act of betrayal. Some people are ok with that, others are not. That’s probably all I should say about it.

I seem to be the only person on the planet that if my wife cheated on me, that’s it. There is no going back from that. No ‘healing’. It’s done. I may forgive her…but no going back to the relationship. Betrayal is a good way of looking at it. Some acts are just unredeemable* and betrayal is probably one of those.

*Not saying the person is a horrible person but some acts are inherently completely destructive and cannot/should not be rebuilt.

I would never enter a romantic relationship with someone who I knew was unfaithful in the past…no matter what her reason. Maybe not ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ but the person DID do it in the past and past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior and even if she wouldn’t cheat again she would probably look to leave a relationship quicker than someone who doesn’t cheat.

It’s despicable. If you want to have sex with someone else…leave your current relationship. Easy Peasy.

[Taomist]

I’m a female who cheated a lot in the past. It was nearly always as an exit to the current relationship, or as a way to get something I wasn’t getting in the relationship while still maintaining the primary relationship.

I haven’t cheated on a relationship in, oh…over a decade. I like to think it’s because I’ve gotten better at just working on the relationship, or at least getting out of them if they’re not for me, but I’ve had enough cases where I’d do it in a heartbeat if the occasion arose, JUST for the sex, that I’m pretty sure I’m just getting old and lazy.
I am fairly sure that if the subject of quickie affairs ever came up, we’d be able to agree to not consider it a deal-breaker in our marriage, but I think neither one of us wants to be the first to bring it up, lmao. I kinda wish Mr. Tao WOULD bring it up, 'cause I wouldn’t mind if he did, and then I wouldn’t feel guilty if I do.
Oh, and the only advice I have : The only way to avoid tempatation is to avoid tempation. Period.

[LouisB]

I cheated on an ex-wife as often as I got the chance but still remained married to her for just under twenty years.
I didn’t cheat at all on my recent ex-darling Marcie; we were together for fifteen years. She was aware of my previous history as a cheater.
Being faithful now even if one hasn’t been faithful in the past is very possible. I did it.

[Svejk_1]

@BlinkingDuck

I seem to be the only person on the planet that if my wife cheated on me, that’s it.

How do you get from quoting Inigo saying that cheating is betrayal, not just a mistake, to thinking you might be ‘the only person on the planet’? If I had to guess, I’d say that your approach would be the dominant one.

[Taomist]

@Inigo_Montoya

Oh, and IMHO, cheating is not a “mistake.” Buying an overpriced stock and losing your shirt in the market, thinking a motionless aligator is asleep, spelling coyote with a k, grabbing the whole milk instead of skim, not deleting your paramour’s text messages from your phone–those are mistakes. Taking your clothes off and screwing someone apart from your SO, when you know your SO wouldn’t approve, is a deliberate act of betrayal. Some people are ok with that, others are not. That’s probably all I should say about it.

I agree with this completely. If one’s made a promise and willingly reneges, then that’s that. There’s no reason to think it wouldn’t happen again in the same relationship, because really, what’s changed, except they got busted? Nothing. So…something’s gotta change, or nothing’s going to change. Can’t just carry on and pretend it didn’t happen while expecting everything to be a-ok.

[Cicero]

@Ambivalid

Take away the specifics and this sounds like the description of a drug-addict’s experience with the brief, momentary euphoria of their drug-of-choice, followed by the inevitable cycle of addiction.

Nothing worse than a guy addicted to crack.

[Ibanez]

I cheated once when I was 20. I didn’t sleep with the woman, just made out. But felt pretty horrible about it. Told my GF at the time, thanked me for the honesty and dumped me. Never cheated again.

[Quint]

@SweetiePotato

Hrmmm. I have a bad track record of cheating. I cheated on my last two boyfriends prior to my current. I haven’t cheated on my current, mainly because we have a good relationship and I feel loved. I definitely fall into the category of having cheated because I’m not happy but not ready to get out of the relationship yet.

What I have done with my current is snoop a bit. I think that, once you cheat on a partner, you can get a bit paranoid. I’m still trying to overcome this.

“You can’t trust anyone,
Cuz you’re untrustable…
How can you trust someone
When you know they can’t trust you?”

A little Doug Martsch wisdom there. I was cheated on once and became unhinged and untrustable. It took me a long time to recover and become trustworthy again, and as others have said, avoiding all temptation is the key. For some people (like me) innocent flirting can lead to cheating behaviour. I am not a person who can stomach an open relationship, so I have committed to only flirting with and sleeping with my wife. For the most part I am much happier with this than previous alternatives I have explored. My wife is extremely trustable, so her flirtations are not something I get bothered by. I am now “trustable”, and can thus trust her. It was a long row to hoe though.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@Quint

“You can’t trust anyone,
Cuz you’re untrustable…
How can you trust someone
When you know they can’t trust you?”

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to,
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You’ll get the chance to put the knife in.

Real hell is discovering you shouldn’t have trusted someone you considered extremely trustable.

[Cinnamon_Imp]

@Inigo_Montoya

As someone who’s been cheated on and paid dearly for it in sanity and dollars, I would probably appreciate this approach. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to reinvent and prove themselves. Life is about learning, and it’s about becoming someone you want to be. If who you want to be is different in some way from who you were, there is no need to bring it up. Don’t deny it, of course, but if it’s not relevant to tomorrow, why not leave in yesterday.

Oh, and IMHO, cheating is not a “mistake.” Buying an overpriced stock and losing your shirt in the market, thinking a motionless aligator is asleep, spelling coyote with a k, grabbing the whole milk instead of skim, not deleting your paramour’s text messages from your phone–those are mistakes. Taking your clothes off and screwing someone apart from your SO, when you know your SO wouldn’t approve, is a deliberate act of betrayal. Some people are ok with that, others are not. That’s probably all I should say about it.

Hmm. I was using “mistake” as linguistic short-hand for “I did something wrong, and I acknowledge it was wrong, and will try not to repeat” rather than “Ooops, I accidentally tripped, slipped and landed on his d!ck” but a quick look at dictionary sites suggests I might be the only person who interprets mistake as in the non-accidental sense.

And thank you