Surely you’re not suggesting that **Ambivalid **is suggesting that Dung Beetle is a prostitute?
If I’m a prostitute, some people owe me money. :mad:
I cheated once. We were not married but had been together for seven years and were engaged. There were issues in the relationship, but I was too young and stupid to sit down and discuss it like an adult, so instead I acted out and slept with someone else in our bed while he was on a vacation with his best friend/our roommate (it was a Lily, Marshall and Ted kind of relationship). I think if I had not done that and had worked through our problems that we would probably still be together today.
I did end up marrying the man I cheated with. And I did love him. But I also think the beginning part of that relationship was out of hurt and an unspoken “I threw away a relationship for this so it better work” - and it did and we were married for about two years before he left me. I have a wonderful son from that relationship and we are friendly to the point of giving each other relationship advice and it has been a horribly rocky road but we are there.
As for the person I cheated on initially, we got back together once and it lasted a week. We struck up a friendship a couple years later and it ended horribly. There was always the cheating hanging in the air. He forgave me long before I forgave myself.
I have not cheated again and I know I won’t because I don’t ever want to be the cause of that kind of hurt again. I hurt him so deeply and so horribly that it took him a long time to learn to trust again. I don’t want to be responsible for that in another person ever again. Hell, it’s been 20 years since that relationship began and I still feel the twinge of guilt just typing this.
I have been forthcoming about that incident with people since then. My current SO said “You’re not a cheater. You are just someone that did something bad and paid for it. It’s over, let it go.”
For some reason that reminds me of one of my experiences:
My first high-school boyfriend was someone who’d had a pregnancy scare in the past, so…no sex. No penetrative sex, anyway. In one way, it was AMAZING…we did so many other things sexually, it really was a great way to start things off. Except…I wasn’t a virgin; I’d had pretty much JUST penetrative sex right before I met him, and he always thought I was kind of slutty because of it. (never mind that he’d obviously ALSO had sex, um…hello?) Anyway, over the three or four years we were together, it seemed to me that not going all the way was becoming a trust issue, a control thing. There were many other indicators as well, but this was one I could control, and I sought sex elsewhere just for self-validation and as a way to remember that I was my own person, not just whatever Boyfriend wanted me to be.
Anyway, we broke up; he never found out about the side-sex. Some years later, we were in contact, had some time together and…finally had sex. It was a lot of things to me, just…movie-like in the experience. Can’t really explain it, all slow-motion and emotional.
And within 20 seconds of it’s ending, he pulled the very bitchy attitude of “Well that was nice, how many people have you slept with to learn all THAT?” Extreme movie-drama, which was fitting considering the film industry was his one and only passion, apparantly. I didn’t say another word, just left, and counted myself lucky that I got out of the actual relationship years before, because I can’t imagine living like that with someone that judgemental.
It’s been over 20 years since that one night, and almost 30 since that first boyfriend experience, but I can still FEEL all of that; I learned, the hard way apparantly, that sex is between me and the person I’m having sex with. Nobody else. EVER. And the least amount of judgement over my past experiences sends me fleeing out the door. I even made one guy who thought he wanted to get involved with me listen as I explained every one of my past relationships. (Poor guy! 
)
Um…not sure where this was going. I know for me, ‘cheating’ has never been about the person I’m cheating on, but about myself and the person I’m cheating with. It’s just that narrowly focused. MrTao knows I’ve cheated in the past, (not with him, 'cause I haven’t) and likely expects me to do so in the future. I’m hoping we can come to some kind of open-ended agreement BEFORE something actually happens, as he’s a guy, VERY much a guy, and admits freely to being attracted to and wanting to bang many people. And as long as it’s goose-gander, I’m fine with that. Just…no judging. 
Sorry, I’ll have it for you by next Friday. I would have paid you sooner, but I spent all my money on crack.
I should never have let you start a tab. :smack:
I’ve cheated far too many times to count.
Mostly because I could but it certainly saved my relationship a few times.
Okay, I’m curious - how did cheating save your relationship?
My first longterm boyfriend admitted pretty soon after it was obvious things were getting serious to me that in his last relationship he had cheated. He explained to me that it was because he was unhappy, things were falling apart, and it was something he regretted. I appreciated the honesty and to my knowledge, he never cheated on me while we were together (and I have no reason to believe that he did).
So, cheaters can and do change. I suggest being open and honest about why you have cheated in the past, why you regret it, and reassure why it won’t happen again to anybody else you date. If they leave you for it, then so what? You don’t want to be with someone like that anyway. You want someone who’s going to accept you for who you are and what you’ve done, and someone who can appreciate your honesty and open willingness to change for the better.
Sounds like something that happened to me a long time ago. I loved her very much, but took her for granted. When I found out she was cheating on me, my heart broke. I wanted to move on but the hurt was too much and the damage was done. Like you, I feel if that hadn’t happened - we’d still be together today.
That was many, many years ago, but not a day has gone by since that I haven’t thought about her and how much she meant to me.
Cheers for this - I’m dating a new guy now, and did this on the first date (I can’t even remember how it came up, but think he was asking about why my marriage ended!). The good news is, he didn’t leave me for it, the bad news is, he has a very similar story, so yay, cheaters united!
Nah, it’s good really. We had a productive chat about it, we agreed we’d both behaved badly, and are both keen to be open and up-front in future relationships (rather than pretending everything is fine on the surface and sneaking around behind our partners backs!).