Yes, my wife is inhibited in some ways in bed, ways which have caused me some remorse that I’m never going to taste some of the sexual pleasures in life that I’ve long wanted to try.
However, my wife is fantastic in other ways, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Plus, I feel that in a loving relationship one shouldn’t be forced to try something they just aren’t comfortable with, much as I would not want her to try the same thing for me for things that I don’t want to do and she would want (although granted that list is much shorter than the other one, there are things I still have no inkling of wanting to try).
Plus, I really don’t want to feel I have to cheat on, or break up with my wife or something just to experience a wider variety of sex - that’s being way too self-centered.
I’m with Elysian on pretty much everything. I may not leave the room, but watching a Hollywood sex scene and feeling embarrassed –often for the actors – has nothing to do with my sex life.
As for porn, it is for the most part made for men. I’d no sooner dismiss a woman who doesn’t like it than a guy who refuses to read romance novels. And as for women who do watch it, not all will reveal this before you’ve started a relationship or had sex. Again, not because they’re particularly inhibited when it comes to sex.
If you plan to spend more than a night with someone, hints should come up in conversation. If she thinks masturbation is gross (staying silent on the matter isn’t the same) or is convinced she’s obese, she may not be that in tune with her body. However, like a super religious upbringing, this may have the opposite effect – an extreme need to please at all costs. But you’d be hard-pressed to figure out if she was getting anything out of the deal, if that’s something that concerns you.
For guys, I’d stay away from anyone who feels the need to call anyone a slut. If he’s got an idea in his mind of what good girls do and what bad/dirty girls do, your sexual tastes may put you in one catgegory or the other, and affect how he treats you in everyday life. Which is why I always recommend plenty of making out before having intercourse. It will tell you (almost) everything you need to know about whether this is someone you can have a pregnancy scare with.
ETA Careful when you break them, though. If they shy you could get your skull kicked in.
I think that you have a good take on what transpired in those posts. You can ‘break’ a person of something, until the shrill voice begins cackling that people are not horses.
The wording was the opportunity, not the cause of the reaction.
I don’t think the rape thing works. I’ve been in LTRs with a girl who was raped who was a freak, and one who was nearly raped (escaped while the perp was disrobing) and was extremely inhibited.
Similarly, I’ve dated a preacher’s daughter who was a freak, and one who was saving herself for Jesus (or at any rate, not for me).
This applies to my parents and to my sister in law, all of which had/have serious sex hangups. I think it makes sense that people who are constantly trying to control everything will have a problem with sex since, in my short experience, good sex involves sharing and ultimately losing control.
Something else entirely will be people who simply have little experience or are shy at first (which may be because of too many bad experiences). If their attempts to communicate don’t get a positive reaction, up come the shells; if they’re well-received, they’ll open up.
What are some red flags that your potential partner is selfish and emotionally inhibited in the sack?
I’m not talking just enjoys-and-takes-pleasure-in the physical act, I’m talking “doesn’t care about what their partner wants and avoids having to emotionally connect with their partner by insisting on more and more weird acts” kind of selfish/emotionally distant.
Is there any way to identify this before getting into bed with them, and any way to break them of it?
I’ve said it before and been yelled at for it, but in my (very limited) experience and to the general agreement of many of my non-dope acquaintances, someone who is a lousy kisser and refuses to take hints (be they gestual or verbal) will also be a lousy fucker who refuses to take any kind of input.
By hints I mean, for example, pushing his hands away while backing up, followed by pushing his chest away while still backing up, followed when he finally lets you go by “I do need to breathe, ok? take it easy!” For some reason, there’s guys who take the first two as signs of passion and respond to the third with a pout.
Or, in other words, “it’s in his kiss.” Which I guess works for the OP’s question too
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Let’s find out! One, tuhoo-oo, three ::crunch:: thuh-ree!
Just find out, otherwise known as getting to know the person. Maybe you’re not going to be seen as such a potential prize in the sack, either, due to different criteria.
The latter part is a better question, because the partner may not want to be “cured” or “fixed” or changed or however you want to phrase it.
Frankly, I don’t think there’s an easy way to tell. If there is, Dan Savage of the Savage Love newspaper column/podcast might be a better person to ask, and somehow I suspect he’d kind of shrug and give some general answers.
You won’t know until you know, but lots of Jesus talk is not a good sign, and sexual abuse/rape is usually going to offer a grab bag of issues, which can range from extreme inhibition to compulsive promiscuity.
It’s not the guy’s place to “break” or “cure” anything, though. He’s not her therapist, and she’s under no obligation to try anything she doesn’t want. You either accept her as she is, or you move on.
I can say that one thing you can do to help build general intimacy and trust is to not try to change her, but be very accepting and nurturing of her as she is. Some inhbitions can come down with time and trust, but you actually have to mean it. It can’t just be a trick to get her to let you put it in her ass. You actually have to care about her and forget about your pr0n fantasies.
Heh. Funny how this attitude’s fine if you’re being all indignant and feministy, but if you make the same statement out of a moral or religious belief, then you’re a prude who needs to get laid.
It’s the same either way, and sneering at woman’s lack of desire to immediately do anything you want sexually as “indignant and feministy” comes off as more than a little misogynist.
I’m sorry if my first post came off kind of bitchy. But to the OP, I do recall you in the past making a lot of, “I don’t understand women/dating” posts. I could be wrong, but I don’t know too many other women who would respond too well to the kind of language you used in the OP.
But in my experience, someone being all hung up on how…“hung up” I was didn’t help. I had a former b/f who would act like I wasn’t into sex enough, and honestly, who wants to have sex with someone who thinks they’re not good enough? So, yeah, that killed any chances of joy I could have had.
I’ve yet to find a reliable indicator when it comes to inhibition amongst women unless they make it obvious.
Like on a third date I had with a woman who said to me during lunch that she hates mashed potatoes because it reminds her of sperm. Okay.
I don’t remember what we were talking about but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t anything about sex.
We liked each other enough to keep seeing each other but the sex was what I expected after she made that comment, missionary all the way with no oral sex from either of us. ( I tried to go down on her. ) Nothing wrong with missionary of course! But it was pretty clear to me that she would rather be somewhere else even during that. Hey, I’m not that bad dammit!
Okay.