Thanks again, everyone, for the support. I really am questioning our own actions every step of the way here. This chapter gets left out of all those parenting books we read when we had babies…
You know I do feel like wringing her neck or just shaking her…until I look at her. Then I just melt for feeling so bad for her too. She knows she’s not getting off scott free, but she has had many extra hugs and we’ve been telling her over and over that while we are so very angry at the situation, and at the “men” involved, we are not (really) angry at her- we are more frustrated and disappointed I think. We do not condone her behavior, and will not just sit back and let her run wild, but we also remember being her age and know (sort of) how it feels. We’re working very hard to understand a lot of things that just don’t make sense and not to yell or rant and rave at her.
It is so hard to look at her and see how badly she’s hurting too, even when she’s lying to us. The part we are having the most trouble with is not being too lenient and not telling her it’s okay. What we are saying now are things like, “it’s going to be okay” and “we’ll get through this”. And I have to believe that we will…it’s just going to take a lot of time and hopefully a lot of effort on her part as well as ours.
As far as bio-mom, well I just don’t know…I do blame her mostly for this and every other misbehavior that I still don’t know about and I have the counselors backing me up in that, but now what? I am going to have to address it with her, because that’s the right thing to do even if I don’t wanna…and it’s getting added into the court-room complaints as yet more evidence. I am getting ready to call social services (as soon as their office opens) to see if they believe any of her negligence/complicity/possible encouragement is criminal; but really without her or daughter acknowledging that bio-mom really did know, it’s going to be more speculative than anything else.
On top of every other phone call I have to make this morning, I fully expect to be called names, and told to do physically impossible things to myself by bio-mom, which isn’t going to help my mood any, and isn’t going to help daughter any either.
This is where I think you should be coming from when you tell kid how wrong it is, she might not listen either way but speaking as a former kid knowing that your parents are saying that not just because “I’m your parent and I know it’s wrong” but because they’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and want to protect you from what they went thorugh, might help. I know when my dad told me we can’t do anything that he hadn’t already done (and heard a few of his jucier stories) helped me stay mostly clean as a teen.
Haven’t you been reading? Looks like she has already …
I think so, speaking as just another mom. It seems to me that the bio-mom pushes an agenda of sexing it up, which probably seems thrilling and exciting and oh-so-grown-up. The girl is trying to please the bio-mom by ‘getting with the program’. She’s acting out the things which gain her the approval of bio-mom.
You’d wonder why in the world she would do that when Mitze has been the better parent. I think it has to do with the head games that bio-mom throws on the girl. That woman needs to be out of this girl’s life. I hope you succeed in that, Mitze.
This is close to my feeling, too. I mean, she’s thirteen. I don’t think she really has any idea of the “bigger picture.” She’s probably just thinking, “Ooh, guy I like–this is love! for real!” And the guy is feeding upon her vulnerability. Yes, if she were seventeen, it would be different, but she’s not. Anyway, is “slut” really necessary here anyway? You can tell your daughter what behaviors are harmful and what aren’t without trying to make her feel ashamed of herself for them.
Well, it is hard not to be a better parent when this quote below is the “competition”. I am wondering (again!) why I even bother trying with this woman, and you are right she needs to be gone…that is getting to be absolutely critical. In response to my email this morning wherein I told her we found out daughter has been sleeping with an 18 year old and that she claims she has been doing so during visitations, this is what she writes:
An interesting note too, is that tonight is supposed to be a dinner visit with bio-mom, so I am taking the “will call” comment to mean that she plans to skip that. But her bitch of a stepmother is seriously considering turning the ringers off after that little comment. Not really…if bio-mom actually calls (she won’t) then daughter can talk to her, but when she doesn’t call I am sure daughter will be told that she did and that we just didn’t tell her.
Yes and no. I called, they seemed very interested (much more so than my original calls to the PD) and assured me that (1) all attempts at communication from him will stop (which they seem to have) and (2) they will take care of it and I shouldn’t worry about it for a second. So I am not sure where that stands, but it sounded good to me. Maybe as long as I am spending my morning on the phone I should call back and see if they will give me any follow up.
This morning’s calls though…first was to doctor (appt scheduled, much sympathy from the nurse when I told her why we needed it) then to social services- they were lukewarm about it, but I am giving them a break because I know they are swamped and I did call the minute that the social worker walked into the office. She said she doesn’t think it would be criminal if bio-mom knew (like if she found out after the fact) but might be if it can be proven that sex offenses were encouraged. They are going to open an investigation, and will probably come to our home as well (which I encouraged; I can use a seal of approval from them!). She is supposed to call me back later this afternoon to let me know what’s what once they get the paperwork going.
Then, I called the police since they were apparently notified already about the 18 year old but haven’t called me. It wasn’t the reception I was expecting (which was basically to be surprised) instead it was, “Ahhh, Mrs. Katze, I was just about to call you!” so I guess I just beat them to it. Their stance right now is that they have only a third party report so it’s up to us if want to pursue it to the maximum extent or let it fall to the wayside. And frankly I was torn. My first reaction is, “hell yes, this guy needs to go to jail for touching my baby!” but then I have to think about what I will be putting daughter through too…so I told them that yes I want it pursued and I will bring daughter in after school to give her statements. I hope we can keep it from being too traumatic for her, but at the same time she needs to see that it’s not right and that her Dad and I are going to fight to protect her every time and we will not stand by and let her get violated or taken advantage of without recourse. And then too, there is the next sexy 13 year old this guy might meet to think about too. It’s just so much…I am really ready to curl into a little ball and sleep for the next two or three weeks.
Just for the record, “slut” has not been uttered anywhere near my daughter or to my daughter. Here I am venting about her “slutting it up” but in real life, she is being made aware that her behavior is inappropriate, but not shameful, and that it is the “men” who have committed the crimes and it is they who are (much more) in the wrong.
I’m so sorry to hear about these new discoveries, but I’ve got to say, I’m incredibly impressed at how you’re handling everything. Jeez, I wish I had had a mom like you.
MitzeKatze, FWIW, I think you’re being an awesome mom in a completely unenviable situation. And good on you for going ahead with taking action against that 18-year-old rapist. Creepy little shithead. (Seriously, anybody that age who finds a fucking *13-year-old *attractive… Ugh.)
No, that’s closing the barn door after one or two horses are out, but a bunch more are still there. And you didn’t explicitly mention it, but make sure she gets tested for all STDs. There is some ridiculously high rate of infection among teenagers these days. (Thanks, abstinence-only education!)
:dubious: I’m not sure what you mean by “being with her” here. I sure as hell know that I wouldn’t want anyone else in the room with me while I’m gettin’ my cooter poked.
1.) Quoted for emphasis on the “method of birth control she doesn’t have to remember.” Giving her something to encourage more personal responsibility would be good, but it shouldn’t be something where if she screws it up, she might get pregnant.
2.) Even if you don’t think you can trust her to use condoms, start hammering it into her. Preventing pregnancy is great, but preventing STDs is, IMO, quite possibly more important. Pregnancies can be aborted or babies given up for adoption; some STDs leave permanent damage, including infertility, or can even be fatal. Make sure she knows how to use condoms, where to get them, and how important it is to use them. When she’s older, she can get a “you can stop using them once you’re in a monogomous relationship where you and your partner are both clean because you’ve been tested,” but for now, she isn’t mature enough to make that distinction. It should be sex==condom, no exceptions. Make sure she knows the actual statistics on STD rates among teens and what those STDs can do to her if she catches them, too.
I don’t think so. It sounds to me like they didn’t want to deal with it, then you called and they had to quickly put on their “I’m interested in this case” face.
I’m getting the feeling you are still having a hard time separating your feelings of protecting your daughter from your need to discipline her. You worry about it being traumatic for her, but she is just as responsible for her behavior as these scumbag men are for theirs. I know you are worried about her psychological trauma, but sometimes the best way for kids to learn is for them to experience the full consequences of their actions. Continue to be supportive of her, but don’t take no shit (or excuses) from her either.
Yep. Fatal won’t have an impact. Herpes probably won’t either. But the insidious STDs are the common ones that cause infertility. And the “at some point you are going to want to have a baby, and if you can’t have one when you are 24 because of things you did when you were 14…”
I dunno–for me, herpes would be a *much *creepier prospect than infertility at that age. Babies, who cares? But getting a gross disease that will never, ever go away and that I could theoretically give to anyone else I ever sleep with even if I don’t have a visible outbreak? Ugh, no thanks.
Yep. I wouldn’t have cared a fig about infertility at 15 (when I started having sex) - after all, I’m spending all this effort on not getting pregnant now, why should I worry about getting pregnant later? (And yes, I did suffer from unexplained infertility later, but I never had an STD, so that wasn’t the cause.) But herpes was scary.
Re outside interests – I’m gonna kick myself for suggesting this (and so will everyone else) but my impression from your comments is that your daughter is (1) very attractive but (2) not too bright. Would she be a candidate for modeling work? It might help raise her self-esteem and encourage her to be more protective of her body and who has access to it. Any modeling schools in your area? Failing that, beauty pageants? Fashion design? Or more practically, would she like to help you with your jewelry business?
There is an old myth about how having a child will bring the parents to sanity, turn them responsible, and/or even teach sociopaths how to love.
In a way, it’s understandable, as those of us who do love our children would do absolutely anything for them. But the evidence shows that it’s as useful as having a child to save a marriage. Very few people manage to make long term changes in their basic MO, and those who do, do so because they want to.
Herpes and warts (ewwww) were the scariest things when I was a teenager. Not just because they were so prevalent, but because people would be able to SEE them and they were ICKY and they never go away. Pictures might be good, too.
I agree that I didn’t really care about fertility. I was trying not to get pregnant at that point.
I don’t have any advice to add, as I’m not a parent, or particularly worldly wise, but I wanted to say how much I admire you Mitze. You have been so reasonable and level headed about all of this, and your daughter is lucky to have you there.
Not really…if bio-mom actually calls (she won’t) then daughter can talk to her, but when she doesn’t call I am sure daughter will be told that she did and that we just didn’t tell her.