Well, here’s one way of rejoining the board…:)you guys want to be my sounding board again?
Okay, there’s me, my friend & current roommate, Katie, and my other friend, Diana. (Of course I’ve changed names.) Diana is bisexual, and told me last year, at around finals week. She was, at that time, suitemates with Katie. She also told Katie’s boyfriend, Dan. (We’re all pretty close friends.) She decided not to tell Katie at that time–she decided that it would be better to tell her when there was less happening in her life, and she’d be better able to deal with it. Katie was under some major stress at this time, so I kinda understood that. And, it was Diana’s thing to tell or not, so I said okay.
Diana told Katie about a week ago. Katie is not upset about Diana’s bisexuality–rather, she’s upset that people didn’t tell her earlier, and that “we thought she couldn’t deal with it.” She feels like we’re deciding what she can and can’t do, and as she’s been taking care of herself for quite a while, this rankles. Logically, she understands why Dan & I didn’t tell her, but she still feels betrayed. And since she’s trusted Diana with so much, she feels hurt that the trust wasn’t returned, and that, on top of everything else in her life, makes her feel like she can’t truly trust any of us.
We’re still very friendly, and I know she’ll need time to think about it, but she’s hurt. She also hasn’t told Diana any of this, and doesn’t plan on doing so. She thinks she’ll probably understand & move on with me and Dan, but she now thinks that she can’t trust Diana at all, and is very upset with her.
If that doesn’t work, explain to Diana that Katie is upset and probably will never trust her again. Diana and Katie need to have a heart-to-heart for that friendship to survive.
Crack lots of jokes and buy each other beer. Before you know it, all of your differences will be forgotten and you’ll just be happy to be together. Oh, wait. I think that only works for guys. Sometimes it’s great to be a guy.
Although you probably wouldn’t guess it, I am trying to help. Really.
Speaking as someone who’s been in Katie’s position, there are a couple of things I suggest you do.
1.) Recognize where you made the mistake. I don’t know Katie, but for me the fact that I was the last person R.J. told he was gay hurt like hell because it wasn’t that big a deal to me. That is, while it was a major life decision and step for R.J., his sexuality wasn’t going to change my friendship with him, nor was it going to put any burden upon the friendship. The assumption that “I couldn’t handle it” made me feel like my friends had a very low opinion of me and assumed I was a troglodyte when it came to homosexuals.
So what probably hurts Katie most (again, biased by my own experience) is that you felt that this was a matter that would turn her world upside-down, and that she just wasn’t ready to accept it yet. Did it turn her world upside-down? Did it cause her major stress and angst? Or did it not really change matters much at all? If the latter, then you really did step on her toes.
2.) Start over-trusting her. Your actions say to her, “When I’m in a crisis, I can’t turn to Katie; in fact, I have to protect her from going overboard on her own crises.” Next time you run into a situation where you’re hesitant to trust her, stop yourself, and let yourself trust her. If she screws up, then she’ll probably at least let her resentment die down. If she doesn’t, then hopefully she’ll feel like you’re trusting her again. If possible, go out of your way to do things you can trust her with. Come to her with your problems, and ask her for advice. She wants to know that this is a reciprocal relationship, as opposed to the load she feels like right now.
I think I’m with Lowellster here, really. I’m sure Katie does want to continue being friends, but there is still that “betrayal” feeling, like being left out,and not knowing what your other friends know. Sounds silly to say get together over a lot of beer (substitute drug of choice) - I know it sounds unsophisticated and daft, but, bearing in mind that none of you want this friendship to end simply because of one well-meant, and perhaps misunderstood, act/speech/whatever, in the name of all the gods, give it a try. I would bet that Katie doesn’t really want this to turn into an estrangement between good friends any more than you do - it is just a case of making a time and forum (with jokes and beer) to sort it out. Shit, I am turning into a bossy person - did not mean to - apologies.)
See, Katie understands that I wouldn’t have told her, no matter how I thought she’d react, because it was Diana’s decision. And she wasn’t shaken by it at all. Frankly, it’s not too surprising…what also hurts her (this came out just recently) is that she asked Diana on occasion if she was bi or gay, and Diana denied it. I don’t know…
But that’s pretty much my current plan…tell Diana to talk to Katie, and try to do the whole friendship type stuff to the max.
Also, I trust Katie implicitly. And I know if I was having a crisis, no matter how horrible she was feeling, she’d come through for me. And she knows that…what I have to regain now is her trust of me.