I talked to my boyfriend (of two months and some odd days) and he told me that he needed space. He says he still loves me, but if he gets too much of a good thing, he will end up hating it. I have come to the conclusion that I want to spend a large portion of my life with this guy, and I think (I almost know) he felt the same. But lately we have been fighting. Just about stupid stuff…My question is…When you love a person, you want to be around them a lot right? I don’t want to mess things up with this guy, he is way too important to me. How do I give him space? Please help!!
Do you have any self-confidence in yourself? If so just sit back and wait. He needs to want you too!!! If he doesnt call you back just find another because he didnt care!!!
This should really be in MPSIMS.
Vada dear,
I somehow suspect that you’re about a quarter century younger than I am. That doesn’t mean that I know a lot more or anything like that. It does, however, mean that I’ve a different perspective on time. From the brief snippet of your relationship troubles that you’ve offered us, I’d say the best answer is…nothing!
Perhaps the guy is not really interested in maturing the relationship. Perhaps he’s got something else going on. Perhaps it’s just not gelling as quickly for him as for you. Two months really isn’t very much time.
Anyway, if the attraction is mutual and it’s going to ultimately work, the relationship can survive a little loosening of the daily schedule. You might crank up some alternate interests of your own while boyfriend enjoys his space. I don’t necessarily mean cultivating relationships w/other men; more like devote some time that would’ve been spent on boyfriend to looking into something you’ve been mildly curious about but have never had the time to pursue. Read a book lately (If so, one that’s not about relationships?)? Checked out the museums in your city?
One way or another, you probably need to be able to let it go for the moment. I’m not saying blow it off; just quit thinking about what he might be up to at the moment and concentrate on your own personal development. You can devote quite a bit of energy to stage managing a relationship that will have occasional bright moments, but it will likely last less than a year and have far too much drama involved, on your side at least.
Hope this helps.
(beatle! You don’t do this relationship stuff. Now get back in character!)
{{{{{Vada}}}}} Ah sweetie, I’m sorry. I wish I could give you some easy and magical answer that would make it all work out. I think that there’s a rather trite saying from the 70s that actually is true: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever, if not, it never was.
There’s no consolation, I know, but do take comfort in the fact that you CAN live without him. Yes I know, you’d rather not. But you can. There’s a great deal of peace, and freedom, that comes with that understanding.
Good luck, sweetie, and all positive thoughts/energy/prayers your way.
-Melin
Its an unpleasant situation to be confronted with Vada; it may sound really aweful to say this, and it can perhaps be better expressed in other ways, but when it comes down to it I have leant the hard way that “treat them mean, keep them keen” is the truth. This doesn’t mean playing games or anything like that, but I know from personal experience that men value much more highly the things they can’t have for the asking, sad but true. So take a little time for yourself, show him that you are your own woman and even though you’d like to be with him, you can be without him too. Hopefully it will help him make up his mind and he’ll realise that you are worth having. If not, then isn’t it better you find out now rather than a ways down the road? Good luck.
In general, “I need space” translates to either “I want to see other people” or “I’m already seeing someone else.”
He might be doing you a favor. I’d give the guy a parsec or two.
That being said, it’s off to MPSIMS.
Nickrz
GQ Mod
Here’s how:
- Buy him a telescope.
- Point skyward.
- Find a new boyfriend.
Melin’s right, and the saying from the 70’s is true. Of course, you could do the alternative, but stalking is generally frowned upon in this day and age.
Been there, and the only good advice I was given at the time was that you can’t make anyone love you. OTOH, you can love yourself, so round up the friends and do things that make you feel good.
Vada honey,
Listen to Uncle Cold now. I don’t suspect you’re very old yet: if you guys are using phrases like “I love you” and think you mean them too after only a 2 month relationship, then I think you both need to learn a lot about the concept of love in the first place. No offence, just observation on my behalf.
OTOH, you’re fighting about stupid things. That would definately qualify as a relationship. So it could be a good sign. Really. No joke there - as long as you keep making up.
That being said, “I need space” is usually the male expression for “I just saw this awesome chick and she digs me too” or “I wanna hang with my mates, I never realised this stuff was getting THIS out of hand !”.
Good luck now. Remember one thing: you NEVER know how long something’s gonna last, and there’s no such thing as mr. Right. There is, however, such a thing as mr. Wrong.
Cheers,
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
Hm, this all sounds vaguely familiar. Anyway, I had a real eye opening conversation with my (male) roommate last night. I don’t know how old you are, but he can definetly speak for 21 year olds. I’m interpreting what he said to fit your current situation.
It sounds like your boyfriend wants to have the bounty, but not set the table, if you catch my drift. A lot of men are like that - they need “space” or be left “alone”, probably because you do not
- fit his ideal image of beauty
- he wants to see others
- he’s a jerk
Don’t fall for those Cosmopolitan articles that tell you how to please a man - he needs to please you. Don’t change yourself or feign an interest in something to keep him happy. There are a lot of men who would love to squeeze you every day - don’t forget that. Love is respect and devotion - he’s showing you neither.
To play Devil’s Advocate (something I’m good at) - maybe the guy DOES care but lacks the ability to commit? This is far from an uncommon problem among testosterone-horders…
Yer pal,
Satan
Secret Inside Information.
every time i’ve ever said that, i was just too chicken to say i’m not that interested in a relationship.
And when i’ve really been into a girl, i wanted to be around her constantly. so, if the newness has waned after 2 months, then start considering other options.
but if you want to stick it to him, tell him you agree and you want space,too. it’ll drive him crazy.
another trend i’m scared of is your statement about calling him your boyfriend after two months. now, i don’t claim to know how fast ya’ll advanced, but people have forgotten how to date. the purpose of dating is to get to know each other over a period of dates and then determine if you want to continue. but people now jump head first into a relationship, and if it doesn’t work out, jump head first into another. so you end up investing a lot of emotions really quickly. if it isn’t going that great, then you’re hesitant to call it off, b/c of those emotions invested.
so my advice>>>don’t take my advise because you’re the only one that has to deal with the consequences. but, be fair to yourself. if there is no commitment, then there is NO commitment.
We’re all here, because we’re not all there!
Hey, this always seems to happen for relationships around 20 +/-
What a trip.
Best way to deal with these bozos, give them lots of space & when they ask for space, say that’s fine. That usually makes them think you are up to something & they hang around. Guys are stupid like that for some reason.
It don’t mean hes seeing anyone.
I pulled this “I need space” crap with a girl a few years ago. You know what she did? Exactly that. She acted like she couldn’t have cared less and I went ape-shit trying to figure out how she could be so calm about it. Long story short, I went crawling back to her, and about two months later she broke up with me. I’m still kicking myself. You do what you gotta do, but my advice is to give him the space he wants, and don’t let him know that it bothers you.
Vada–
2 quotes to keep in mind that apply here
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
that one’s kinda self-explanitory
“Familiarity breeds contempt”
This one’s not so obviouse, but I’ve found (IMO) that the more you try to get someone, the harder they’ll work at getting away, and the more you want to hand all over them, the more they’ll be thinking “This chic/guy’s weird”…Just my advice…Good Luck…
“If you can’t speak softly, just use the stick.”
-Anon
Melin said:
How about?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they are yours forever, if not then hunt them down and kill them.
Guys generally take longer to get involved than girls do. Give him the space, if he is after another girl, then let him go, you are better off. If you stay together, make it last.
Jeffery
(What do I know, I asked my wife to marry me after we had only dated for 3 months. We have been married 7 1/2 years now.)
Thank you for all your suggestions, hopefully I will be strong enough as a person to do those things. I think if space is what he wants, space is what he gets. I am going to set him free, hopefully he will come back to me. THANKS!!!