Right, so, in this thread I explained exactly why I split up with a boyfriend that I’d been seeing for over two years.
He left things open, saying that he’d give me time and space to sort things out, and that he wouldn’t pressure me into making any decisions or anything. Fine, so I’m single, happy, plowing myself into my work, and into baking for DopeFests. Everything is good.
Except the ex. He’s far too clingy. I don’t think a day has gone by without multiple emails/text messages/phonecalls. He even calls me at the office when he knows I’m working late, and patronises me for working so late.
The thing is, which he knows, is that my work is the most important thing for me at the moment. This however, doesn’t stop him from calling me, bugging me, telling me we can work things out.
At the moment, I don’t think we can. We’ve had too many differences, too many fundamental differences, and its going to take time and energy, both of which I don’t have, to work things out. Also, he believes that I should be the one apologising for my stance on things, and for putting my work first. Not going to happen ever.
Why is he being so goddamned clingy? Can’t he see its doing him no good whatsoever? He’s certainly not giving me space at all. Does he really think this constant badgering is going to get me back??
[Obligatory poor attempt at humor]So are we supposed to be all supportive and cozy, or would you resent us for not giving you space? [/OPAAH]
If your IRL personality is anything like your Board Persona, your “single” status won’t last long… And, given the picture I got of “X” from your previous thread - congratulations!
Let’s just say that right now I’m feeling kinda sorry for myself for being the wrong age, on the wrong continent, and in the wrong marital status
To your question: Men just don’t “get” hints. (I should know). Don’t imply it’s over and he’s bothering you. Say it loud and clear. Maybe then he’ll let go.
Or throw a female acquaintance you don’t particulary like his way;)
Well, I’ve never had somebody adore me, desire, or otherwise Love me enough that they ardently pursued me. Can’t relate. Sounds like a problem I might like to have someday, though (Just being the devil’s advocate.). I guess it could be a pain from your perspective. Dunno, sounds like you don’t want any contact with him? If so, just be direct with him.
Angua, politics can easily be ignored in Fantasy Land:)
Besides, if I were really entertaining those kind of thoughts, I wouldn’t be posting them on a public board… a continent away conveniently makes gratuitous flirting unambiguously unserious (well, so far…)
I’m afraid I can’t help you with the clue stick. Probably won’t work, anyway, if it hasn’t yet. Best bet now is Caller ID on your phone (so you know which calls not to answer anymore)
And you definitely misunderstood my first remark. I meant your “single” status is in jeopardy, not his!
If you are truly serious about this, hang up on him when you hear his voice, don’t answer his emails or text messages. Sooner or later he’ll get the hint that you are serious. If you are just playing a game with him, which you are if you continue to talk with him, then carry on.
Tansu - that’s what I’m going to try. I’ve tried the subtle approach “can’t talk now, too busy”, but it didn’t work.
Things are complicated by the fact that we share the same group of friends, so cutting him out of my life totally is not an option.
Noone Special - its ok, I wasn’t taking your flirting comments seriously. At the moment, my single status is still standing.
ultress - things are complicated. We share the same group of friends, and well, I honestly have no idea about how I’m going to feel when I’m less stressed with work. This is the main problem. I am stressed with work. We essentially broke up because of this (and other things that I’ve mentioned before). He was very demanding of my time and attention when we were together, to the extent that I couldn’t put all the time I wanted into my work. The fact of the matter is is that I still care about him. I just can’t do the relationship thing with him - its too draining on me.
Heh. Maybe I should start following the advice given to me in the other thread - date Dopers" You guys would understand!
“Hi? Look, you have to stop calling me. We’ve split. We’re not getting back together, and this isn’t going to win me back. I can’t be any clearer about it. I don’t hate you and I don’t wish you were dead, but I do wish you’d leave me alone for a while. We won’t get back together. We’ll see each other socially, but there is nothing between us. Nothing. Not ever again. Ever. So don’t call me because I have nothing to say to you.”
Then move out of the country, change your name, dye your hair, and sell flowers in airports.
Hmmm… its drastic, but it might just work. How about I just move abroad to carry on my career instead? Jet black hair doesn’t take to dyeing very easily.
The problem is that he still wants to be with you. You can’t say anything that gives him hope this will happen. All he hears is “she still cares about me!”. And, if you still care about him there is hope that he will get the relationship back.
I am sure that you are trying to be nice and let him down easy. He is obviously not going to accept the easy approach. If you are serious about not having a relationship with him then you need to tell him so with out the nice words like “I still care about you” and “if only things were different” or “maybe one day”. I know it sounds mean but it is actually nicer in the long run.
I just can’t cope with all the agro anymore. I’m half inclined to say sorry and just go back to him. It’ll stop his clingy-ness and will mean I don’t have to be the bitch. Unfortunately though, I will not be happy. So, it appears I shall just have to be firm.
I am happy with where I am at the moment. Its just this one thing that’s screwing it all up.
That is what he is hoping for. Not really that you will go back with him to avoid being a bitch, but that you realize what a wonderful guy he is and how you are meant to be together. So he calls you over and over again to remind you.
And all the while, he’s pushing me away. Probably into the arms of someone else.
Silly boy. The saddest thing is, if he had left me alone, like I asked him to, given me the space that I needed, I would have considered getting back with him. But not now. I honestly don’t think he gives a damn about how I feel.
Again, yes. He’s trying to guilt-trip you. Apparently he is having some success
You know, at some point you have to fish or cut bait. Make a decision.
Just take into account that if you go back this time, it’s probably all over… and you will find yourself coming back time and time again. Do you want to live with this man for the rest of your life? If so, go back. If not - or even just if “not sure” - get out!
In the end, it’s up to you. It’s easy for all of us to give free advice, but it’s your life here. And sometimes you just have to make hard choices, that you’ll feel bad about no matter which way you choose
My 2¢? He is not Mr. Right. You will (eventually) find someone different and better, with whom you will wholeheartedly want to share your life.
I really sypathize with you! Good luck, and best wishes
[/serious]Flirting was a lot more fun than this painful real life stuff:( Can we get back to that? Please?
Well, I’m not sure that I can spend the rest of my life with him. Not with the way things are at the moment. I made my decision. I got out. He’s trying to guilt me back. It is not going to work. I will not let his guilt trips work. I went through all that at the beginning of October. I can tell he’s not Mr Right, which is why I got out. I am a lot happier now, and I think he may be beginning to realise this - hence why he’s trying to win me back.
I have experienced the situation your ex is going through. Twice.
Does it mean I’m going to defend him? Absolutely not. We guys just don’t get it. I second the suggestion to tell him straight and clear, if you don’t mind me jumping in - after all, this is my first answer to one of your posts.
Mind you, he might put on even more pressure - for a while. He might call and beg and ask what he did wrong and why not give it another try and whine and call you heartless and scold you for hurting him. Then he’ll disappear. With a big hole in his pride.
And this is the worst hypotesis. In the better one, he’ll disappear immediately as soon as he gets through his head there are no more chances.
Pity I could not get that funding from the University of Birmingham, or I’d turn up with flowers in minutes…
[/OPAAH]
