What do I tell this girl?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok. Some background information:

I’m 20, in my Junior year of college. Last summer, I dated a girl we will call M for the last month or so of the summer. We were great together, but we were set to go off to schools on opposite sides of the country and both of us had had bad experiences with long distance relationships in the past, so we agreed to end our relationship when we parted.

Technically, we did so, but we still talked and emailed each other. We both missed each other. We weren’t really emotionally over. Since I’ve been at school, I met and became friends with another girl, C. At one point, C and I ended up making out. The next day, I talked to her and told her that I liked her, that I was attracted to her, but that I didn’t want to get involved because I really hadn’t let go of M yet.

Fast forward about a month. After hanging out with some friends for the evening, we went to watch a movie, I think. We both were drunk (I know I was. She didn’t have as much to drink as I did, but she’s smaller too) to some extent. We started cuddling, moving toward more intimate stuff, but after a while I sobered up enough to realize I didn’t want to do this, put her to bed, and slept on the couch.

In the morning, I told her that things hadn’t changed for me, and that I was probably going to back off from her a bit, especially not get drunk around her again. My understanding of the aftermath of this is that we both just accepted that we were friends who got drunk and made out.

Fast foreward to now. I am ready to date someone else now, but I’ve realized that I don’t want it to be C. I’m not sure I can explain it exactly, but I’m just not interested. I did, however, meet another girl, L, who I’m planning to ask out.

Here’s my question. What do I tell C about where I am now? We are decently good friends now, so I’d like to be direct and honest with her. I’m sure that, should things with L work out, C will eventually see us together and realize that I was fine with dating, just not her. (Even if nothing happens between L and I, there will be someone eventually, so I will have to deal with this). On the other hand, it can’t be nice to have someone you are interested in tell you first that he is still emotionally attached to someone, and then later say “Oh, by the way, I dealt with that; I’m just not interested in you.”

It seems to me like if it were the other way around (a female friend in whom I had expressed an interested gave me that answer and then started dating someone else) I would certainly get the message as a polite brush-off, but that may just be the chickenshit side of me rationalizing.

What do you think?

2

You are in a mess.

3

Okay, I understand who L, M, and C are, but who’s this I person?

4

Ditto. You’re screwed.

5

He must be Roman. I’m waiting for V, X and D to show up.

6

Just be honest with her.

There’s no way you can prevent her hurting, and her feeling that she wasn’t “good enough” to date, but L is. But you can prevent her thinking that you were lying to her all along, and I think she’ll appreciate that.

7

Say that in a nicer way.

8

Be honest with her. You may not be able to avoid hurting her, and it may mean the end of the friendship, which would be too bad. But if you have been honest with her, and kind in your approach, you will have done all you can do to spare her feelings and maintain your friendship. The rest is up to her.

It may be difficult, and even painful. But keep in mind that you cannot and should not feel responsible for another person’s feelings if you’ve done all you can do to soften the blow.

9

Eh…since time has passed, it is also possible that C has no more romantic interest in you. As other have said, tell her the truth, but it is possible that her reaction will be less dramatic than what you expected.

10

Everyone gets hurt at some point.

11

I think you should give “C” more credit. I think she already “gets” that you aren’t interested in her sexually and that your excuse that you were still emotionally attached to M, a woman you dated for a month or so over a year ago, was simply a diplomatic way of telling her that.

I think she probably appreciates the fact that you were enough of a gentlemen to: a) not take advantage of her when you easily could have (lesser men would have); and b) allowed her to save face by blaming your lack of attraction to her, on M.

Given your attraction now to L, would I take C aside and try to explain away your sudden change of heart? No! You haven’t asked C out on a date, you haven’t had another make-out session. She “gets” that you’re not interested! Now allow her to retain her dignity by not making a huge production out it.

12

Have sex with her. Then be really mean so she doesn’t want to date you anymore. Then apologize so you can become friends again but she realizes she never wants to date you again.

Its Win-Win my friend.

13

Wait a while, cuz for some reason, some guys have some sort of gene that causes them to push women away after they make out with them. Later they want them again. I think its a XY chromosome.

14

Are you sure C wants a relationship? Maybe she just wanted to get laid. How aware of M is C and how aware of L is C? If you start talking about L all the time to C and not so much about M then C (good friend C) may point out to you that you are over M and want L.

15

Tell her that you are living a lie and that she’s too good for you. She’ll understand.

16

PunditLisa, maybe I wasn’t clear. I dated M this past summer. At the time that things started between C and I, I had only been single for about 3 weeks.

Also, I was telling C the truth when I told her I was interested, but not ready. It’s just that now that I’m ready, I’m not interested anymore.

I think, when I wrote the OP, I was trying to figure out a way of making sure that C realized I was being honest before, that it wasn’t just a diplomatic brush-off. Now I’m thinking that I may have to do the diplomatic brush-off anyway (If C is still interested. If not, no problem), so it may be better to just let the original stand.

Thanks for all the suggestions so far.

17

If you see C, tell her the truth if it comes up. You say you’re just friends, and nothing ever happened. If that’s the case, what’s all the fuss about.

But there kind of seems to be a pattern though. Can’t be with C, because of M, now trouble getting together with L, because of C.

Just stay honest with yourself, and them too.

18

OK good. You told the truth. Now let C believe you, and let it go a little, or you may mess it up with M.

19

I mean mess it up with L.

20

Unless you have evidence that C’s been waiting around eagerly for you to get over M, I don’t see a problem. I sort of doubt that she’s put her life on hold for you. Would you be hurt if you saw her dating another guy (even if you were still interested?) Disappointed, maybe, but the two of you were never involved enough for this to be a really shattering situation for you.

If you’re hanging out with C, you might just casually mention to her that you have a date with L so that it doesn’t come as a surprise when you run into each other out at a bar or soemthing.