You may be different. I’m not different. I have no idea whether or not other guys are different. I read women expressing concern that there might be a problem with them making the first move. I can only warn women with regards to problems I’ve experienced. As to what problems a guy who likes crude propositions might otherwise have with women making the first move, I can neither imagine nor say.
I do think that women assuming they should come onto us differently than we’d come on to them when they do make overt moves is a big mistake.
Propositioning someone that way is hostile and belittling and openly contemptuous in two of the three (real-life) examples I gave, and at least disconcerting and confusing in the third. Maybe I’m being silly, but I’d think a guy who has no problem with any of that isn’t going to have some other problem that would cause him to spurn a gal putting the moves on him, unless the problem has nothing to do with how she’s doing it.
Damn right I switched the target on you. That’s the point. It’s not that its a woman (wrongly) putting the moves on a guy, it’s that it’s a totally fucked-up way for anyone to put the moves on anyone. A woman being a total jerk while making the first move may not be quite as likely to experience rejection as a man doing so, but I was offering the advice that it’s still pretty likely to have those results. It’s simply not how it’s done.
The best friend’s approach was nice enough. It was something like “I think you’re really cool, I’ve liked you for a while now, I think we should spend some more time together & get to know each other better…” Stuff like that. She actually tried more than once. The problem wound up being one part not interested in her & 10 parts interested in her best friend. I guess if I wasn’t interested in her friend, I might have thought differently. When the lady who caught my eye was ‘given clearance’ by her friend to date me, she walked right up to me wearing a big smile. It was at a party & I think she was waiting for me to make a move. I was reluctant to do so, having been shot down on numerous occasions before. She just wound up saying “What are you doing this weekend? Wanna do something?” I was stunned, but very very happy.
I would think that if I were terminally shy, I’d want a woman to approach me all the more.
Speaking as a guy who has no luck with women, I’d welcome a woman making the first move. I’m about as dumb as a brick when it comes to these sorts of things. Considering that I had to be told by a coworker nearly a year later (when I was telling this story) that the fact that a girl (whose name I can’t remember, then or now) knew my name and asked if I wanted to come in to this party as I was going by was “the girl right now” (as compared to the girl you marry, though I suppose one could become the other), I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty oblivious. I’d appreciate it if the ladies would take the initiative occasionally.
A lot more, apparently. Besides, I was already fairly tanked. I had just put down four or five beers in no more than 60-90 minutes at the local bar and was walking back to my dorm room to crash.
It probably doesn’t help that I do almost all my drinking in my room. It’s cheaper that way, but you don’t meet a lot of people.
I’ve never been shocked or uncomfortable when a woman makes the first move. When I’m committed to someone else at the time, it’s easy enough to back away without embarrassing the woman or myself. Those times that I’ve been approached when I was available, she almost always got lucky!
A direct answer would be that I do not think less of a woman who makes the first move.
Ok, I’m going to hijack my own thread (a little), be uncharacteristically insecure, and ask for your opinions on the message I just sent to this guy:
The first message I sent (to a different guy) was really short, and he never replied – of course, I don’t know if it was because of the message or my profile. This time, though, I figured I’d be a little more chatty. What do you think? Too much? Not enough?
I wish I could perfect this “opening e-mail” thing, so that I can assume rejections are based on my profile: I don’t care if guys don’t like me, but I’d hate to inadvertently turn someone off with a crappy first message.
had a friend tell me only last week that one of his recent relationships was instigated by the woman - and lasted 18 months! Only wish I were that brave…just an old fashioned M iss I guess…
Your post sounds fine to me, but I have ZERO experience with online dating, so there may be buzz-words I’m not familiar with.
If I were looking for someone and fit the criteria you mentioned, I’d answer.
Thanks, vl_mungo and John Carter of Mars (I don’t know if there are buzzwords, either!). I guess it’s just me that these guys don’t like. Seriously, though, it’s good to hear that the message itself was ok … I’ll keep sending 'em until I run out of interesting profiles.
I think I got spoiled when I got back into online dating five months ago: the first guy I wrote to replied right away, and we wound up having a couple of dates. Then the second guy I wrote to also replied right away, and we wound up dating for a few months. So now I expect to hear from – and date – everyone I write to.
Oh, one other thing: You wrote in your message to him, “you have a photo of yourself with a small plane (mine isn’t posted);”
You didn’t post a picture?
I don’t know anything about online dating, but I do know something about selling horses online. A picture works wonders. If you didn’t post a picture of yourself, and posting a picture is a normal thing to do, you may have better results if you post a picture.
It’s the cross you have to bear for being such a babe magnet, Andy. If you really want to score, though (not you, but the geeks out there), just say you’re a pilot.
What I meant was that I have a picture of myself with a small plane, too, but that one isn’t posted.
I definitely have pictures of myself on my profile: when I send a message to someone it arrives with a “snapshot” of my profile, which includes my main photo, so the guy sees at least one picture right away – and the others if he decides to look at my entire profile.
but for you dopers, has there ever been a time where a woman has made the first move on you, and you [for some reason or another] have backed off and said it wasnt such a good idea?
Did you read my description of “how not to do it”, earlier in this thread? All three occurrences happened as described, and I declined the honor all three times.
(Well, in the third case, I sort of said “uh…” and “…” and other highly lucid and brilliant things like that for a little while, then finally mumbled something about liking the scenery along the way…I didn’t specifically decide to say “no thanks” but it kind of died at this point, so that’s the end result at any rate. If I could go back in time I might take her up on it, expecting the invite this time around — if I could figure out what to say — but it really was a very disconcerting approach to putting the moves on a person.)
This pretty much sums up my feelings as well. I’ve always been fairly reserved about flirting or trying to “send signals”, and it came as a huge relief when, at the end of our first date, my gal told me “I think you should kiss me goodnight,” which I did.
