But it’s not about a picture on Facebook, is it? A friend–a concept I can see you may be unfamiliar with–should recognize that if it means that much to you, then they should take it down. They have every right to give the person some shit (“Jeez man, alright, I’ll take it down. But don’t be so sensitive”) but they should still honor the request. It goes beyond how you view Facebook and starts to get into personal respect territory.
And “friends” are people whose feelings you ostensibly care about, even when you don’t think they’re being entirely reasonable.
Seriously, if you’re attempting to impress us with how very adult you are, you’re failing miserably.
No, everyone doesn’t have photos, unflattering or otherwise, of themselves up on Facebook. Some of us do not use Facebook and have made it clear to their friends and family that their photos should not be published on Facebook.
While it’s true that anyone can take a photo of you in a public place and do almost anything with it, someone who alleges to care about you will not make a fuss about not publishing your photo if you ask them not to. It’s called being considerate and being a friend. Not publishing a photo of my friend (especially a photo they dislike) doesn’t cost me anything. I still have the photo, I can look at it when I please. Publishing that photo could cost me a friendship, or at least some measure of my friend’s trust and/or respect. This to me is a no-brainer.
I disagree. If it means that much to you, there’s something wrong with you.
The OP implies she uses Facebook on a regular basis and already has photos of herself uploaded. I was under the impression that she is upset over a few specific photos, not photos in general. That’s a different story, in my mind.
For me, it really depends on the photos. Are they simply unflattering? Then I think the OP needs to chill. They can just be untagged and they won’t pop up on your page or on any searches. Are they seriously compromising and/or humiliating? Then your friend is being an asshole by laughing it off.
Mind you, if a friend of mind made a fuss and wanted me to take a picture of them off Facebook, I would do it, no questions asked. But depending on the picture, I might think they were being oversensitive.
It’s a guilt trip, and an obvious one, too.
I guess the hold up was because she kept thinking it wasn’t a big deal and that I was just overreacting, despite all my efforts to convince her that it really meant something to me to just remove the photos.
You’re right that it would have perhaps been a better idea to talk to her in person, but I wasn’t in the position to do so last night. So maybe she didn’t get my seriousness through Facebook and text messages. Although seriously, I wouldn’t spend hours bombarding someone with messages if it wasn’t a big deal for me.
Well I assume she meant no real harm and thought she was doing something good by encouraging me to man up and accept how I look in all circumstances. I just didn’t appreciate those efforts.
I think the fact that they made me feel as terrible as I felt justifies my upset reaction. I feel very uncomfortable with all of my flaws being magnified and exagerrated in one single photograph, complete with everything else that can go wrong. If it were just an ugly photo I’d chill, but these crossed the line for me.
The strangest thing is that the pictures I wanted removed were pictures of just me. So it’s not like it was a group picture that she didn’t want to take down but just me, solo. This is one of the reasons I was so upset that she refused to take it down the first ten times I asked.
You could use the same arguments if someone uploaded nude pictures of you without your consent. “You look like what you look like and besides no one else will probably care”. That’s true, but it still won’t stop most people from feeling hurt and uncomfortable for being exposed in a bad way.
Whereas if leaving the picture up despite your friend’s feelings because you’re just that invested in believing that feelings that are different than yours are a defect means that much to you, you’re A-OK.
Does being so nasty make you feel better about yourself?
I have a friend who I think looks great in photos, but she doesn’t, and I’ve taken a picture down at her request before when she changed her mind. She is kinda being oversensitive, but hell, I’m not perfect either. Keeping the pic up isn’t going to stop her being slightly oversensitive, but it is going to make her feel bad, so I took it down.
And people’s own self-image is a lot more complicated than ‘that’s just what you look like.’ Just because you don’t care whether they look ugly or whatever that doesn’t mean you over-ride what they feel about their own looks.
I fully agree that it is a dick move to resist removing the photos if you ask. I post a lot of pictures of friends on Facebook and if there’s any question about whether it’s a flattering photo I try to ask their permission first. Even so, I sometimes post photos that I think are OK but the subject does not. If they ask, I remove the photo without hesitation, because that’s what you do or people won’t want you around when you’ve got a camera. It’s basic common courtesy for photographers.
I’m not sure if I’d end a friendship over this, but I’d certainly not want that person taking photos of me and I’d make it real clear that was the case. If they forced the issue I simply wouldn’t hang out with them anymore. It’s extremely uncomfortable to have to worry about how you look when someone is around you with a camera. And as a photographer, my goal is to make people forget I’m there; something you can’t do if they are worried about how they will look.
This person eventually did what you wanted, but they seem to have done so grudgingly. Next time I saw them in person I’d pull them aside for chat. It may work better in person that via emails/chat.
I would like to seriously congratulate the OP for ignoring Diogenes in this thread.
As for the topic, of course the friend was being a douche to not take the photos down when asked. That’s basic common courtesy. I have a few friends that are sensitive about where their photos appear, and I don’t even upload pictures of them to my Facebook page. If anyone else ever asked me to take a photo of them down, I’d do it in a hot minute. I mean, I noticed once that my sister had untagged a few photos of herself on my page, and I took it upon myself to email her and ask if she wanted me to totally take them down. (She didn’t, but appreciated my asking.)
Incidentally, you can change your Facebook settings so that photos where you are tagged by other people do not show up in your friends’ feeds automatically.
Yep, I’ll be uneasy if she brings along her camera next time we meet.
When she photographed me that night, I knew the pics would look awful but I felt relaxed about it, because I was positive she would have the common sense not to upload them (considering how bad they were). So my jaw dropped when I saw them uploaded for the world to see. Felt like a slap to the face. Then each refusal to take the photos down was like an additional slap. Now I’ll feel a bit awkward the next time we meet. :o
Didn’t know this, this may come in handy, thanks.
Photographers who don’t consider their subjects’ wishes often find themselves in uncomfortable situations. Eventually, no one wants them around. Hopefully she’ll grasp the concept and move beyond her petty behavior.
Boy, that’s for sure. As the unofficial photographer for my group of friends, I can tell you that I go WAY out of my way to make sure everyone is happy. I try to get photos of everyone so no one feels left out, and if I think a photo will make a person feel bad I don’t post it.
Several times I have taken down positively wonderful photos of people laughing and looking joyful and beautiful because the person thought they had a double chin or their hair was mussy or some other minor (to me) reason. If they don’t like it and they ask me to delete it, then it’s gone.
I TRY not to be a dick 
hey, if you politely ask your subjects “May I post this picture?” nobody can be hurt or surprised…
Maybe so, but do you know what friends do when their best friend has an irrational hangup over what is arguably an inconsequential matter? They accommodate their friend. phantom limb’s friend didn’t try to defend keeping the pics up on the basis that there was something indispensable about them; it was entirely about not sharing phantom limb’s opinion about how unflattering they were.
On reading further down the thread:
And having the pics come down being important to her means there’s “something wrong” with her? Really? Can’t it be just as persuasively argued that for it to be “that important” to the friend that they stay up means there’s something “wrong” with the friend? Okay, the argument will have to take into account the fact that it is the friend’s FB page, but if that’s the perspective you bring to all relationship-oriented interactions, I gotta wonder how it is that you’re not a Randian.
To the OP: Hey, are the photos of you electrocuting someone, where your arms and hands look like they’re made of grey smoke, except the veins, that show up an actinic white? 'Cos I agree; that 's a seriously unflattering look, on anybody.
Well, maybe on Robocop it could look good.
If there’s an awful photo of me online, I usually just cringe and deal with it. But I can’t imagine saying no if a friend asked me to take one down or crop her out. That’d be pretty crappy behavior.
I wouldn’t care about whether a picture was flattering to me-- most aren’t, that’s okay, I’m nowhere near good-looking and that’s fine. I do, however, care about whether a publicly-shared picture makes me look like I’m doing something bad, especially illegal. Okay, so my picture has bloodshot eyes (allergies) and I’m super-tired (night shift, 5pm date), and we’re hanging out at a buffet and I have a full plate. What if my friend makes a joke that I’m stoned and have the munchies? In real time, that could be funny; in an online caption that I can’t get rid of? NOT cool.
I have enough troubles without having to worry whether new acquaintances know two or three things about me, and what they “know” is all about what I look like in the pictures they’ve seen, and the assumptions they’ve made about what kind of person I am.
I know not everyone has this severe of a problem with pictures, but I know at least some people might; I don’t think it’s fair for those who do photograph well to think that because their 70%-good photograph is okay with them, our 10%-good photographs are okay with the rest of us.
My best friend has terrible photo etiquette. She only uploads photographs of herself in which she thinks she looks her absolute best, and in which she is not being upstaged by anybody else. If there is an opportunity to upload a photograph of someone looking less than their best next to her looking good then she jumps at it. I know she does this though because of her own insecurities about her appearance. And honestly, I feel sorry for her. If she feels the necessity to create a false reality on Facebook, of her aesthetic and life, that says more about her, than say a bad picture says about me. She and I have had this issue several times in the past. Mainly because I know she feels competitive with me and so purposefully takes pictures that emphasise the parts of me I dislike. (Rule number 1 - never expose your weaknesses so they can’t be exploited!! :P) I have removed pictures of her in the past, but there are a few she has refused to remove of me. I’ll admit that I was pissed enough on principle to delete the photo myself when she’d left her Facebook account open on her computer.
My main gripe with photos on Facebook is that, just because you agree to be IN a picture, that does not mean you give your consent for that picture to be accessible by X amount of potential strangers. By uploading a photo of somebody on a website, without their consent, you are essentially breaching their right to privacy. I’d report it as abusive, say it’s harrassment, and it should get taken down. And maybe explain in detail to your friend why this has upset you.
I’m sure you’re beautiful, and we all take bad pictures. Just look at Cameron Diaz’s back catalogue for proof…
Are you in high school?
I can’t understand why else you would:
A) Care enough about this to dig up a zombie thread on the topic.
B) Stay friends with someone who according to you, purposely and maliciously takes ugly photos of you.
C) Care enough about this that you would find it acceptable to abuse someone else’s Facebook account.