I don’t want to get into the specifics of my situation other than I just met someone, we went out once, and that’s what I heard after agreeing to meet again. I think the exact words were, “I want to take it slowly”
Now I’m wondering if it’s some soft version of “Let’s be friends” or if this person is really interested in taking it slowly. I will of course find out in due time, but I thought I’d come here first and poll you folks and see how you’ve used the phrase or had it used on you.
This very thing just happened to me. In my case, she meant, “We’ll go out one more time, but that’ll be it because I don’t see it working out long term, and since I don’t want to hurt anyone and hate saying ‘no’ and have caller I.D. so I screen all my calls and won’t answer the phone or respond to an email after our second date, you’ll need to start looking somewhere else because this is the only signal I’ll ever give you.”
Pablito,
Ouch!
Message to the ladies: Just say “No”!
It’s kind of like pullling the band-aid off fast instead of slow.
I’m proceeding with caution, because I don’t like reading too much into people’s words. Still if something’s entered the dating vernacular as “close enough”, then it would be good to know.
It is entirely possible that the phrase was meant in the sense it was delivered to Pablito.
It is, of course, also possible, since we do not codify such expressions rigorously, that what the phrase meant was:
Upon hearing such a comment, I would not have walked away from such a date, in despair. On the other hand, I would probably have chosen to limit my requests for a date to once a week or fewer, keep the dates in neutral territories (a movie, not a camping trip), and refrained from gushy speech until the other party warmed up a bit more. There could be any number of reasons for a request to “go slow” that would do nothing to impair the relationship after the introductory period.
(Or, you might have run into Pablito’s date’s soulmate.)
(Opinions delivered in the subjunctive since I haven’t had to deal with such issues in a bit over 20 years.)
It’s never been a good sign for me, I’ll just put it that way. Usually means exactly what Pablito said. Sorry, dude.
It is tough to tell it could go either way…
She could either be saying… lets take it slow because I am really not all that interested in a serious relationship…
or she may have meant that she really likes you and doesn’t want to mess it up by rushing into something…
best way to tell would be to ask her… but in a rude way or anything… just tell her how you feel, and see if she feels the same…
Pablito, lemme guess…you live in California, right? I had the same thing happen to me there, although I didn’t even get the “let’s take it slow line.” (Come to think of it, this lady wasn’t from Garden City, was she?)
Well, I don’t know if the OP is a male or a female, nor do I know if s/he’s talking about a male or a female, but here’s my (straight, female) perspective. This is a little bit of a personal sore spot for me, so forgive me if I wax a little bitter, but I have never seen the point of issuing the whole “Take things slowly” mandate before things have even started moving!
What the hell does “Take things slowly” mean, anyway? I mean, I know what it means on a “Don’t try to get in my pants before the 5th date” level, or on a “Don’t be checking out engagement rings after only two months” kind of basis…
But what does it MEAN, really? What, exactly, is the point of deciding in advance to “take things slowly” (and how is that measured, anyway?), except to give yourself an “I’m still trying to decide if I like you” out-clause? I guess I’m kind of opposed, on principle, to imposing such vague and arbitrary pseudo restrictions on a relationship before it even IS one.
I mean, what ever happened to crossing bridges when you come to them, to just seeing what’s going to happen before you start trying to put on some sort of brakes? And if there is something that you feel you NEED to let the other person know up front, like that you plan to remain a virgin until you’re married, hell, call a spade a spade and SAY that, instead of issuing some hazy “take things slowly” moratorium.
Otherwise, I say take things as they come; we are all (well, most of us, anyway) fundamentally imbued with the power to speak up if we become uncomfortable at any given moment with what’s happening in a relationship (or if we simply decide we don’t really dig that person anymore), right? And the truth is, anyone who has ANY sense of social boundaries knows not to show up naked, with a set of nipple clamps and a can of Cheez Whiz, for the first date…
I think it’s a control issue. I mean, think about it–being the one to invoke the “take things slowly” rule puts you in the driver’s seat, because the other person is just left waiting for cues from you as to how to proceed, and fearing that he or she will do something “wrong” and drive you away: Is it OK to call, when we just saw each other yesterday? Can I get a little tongue and a handful of ass with that goodnight kiss, or is that crossing the line? He or she might WANT you to meet his/her parents, but then is forced to think, “Wait, we’re supposed to be taking things slowly… so is meeting the parents after seven weeks of dating too fast??” Then he/she gets all freaked out about breaking the “slowly” rule, and pretty soon you’re off the hook for lunch with Carl and Betty at the Golden Corral, without even having to discuss it.
Those are my two cents. Feel free to take one or both of those Lincolns as pure bullshit.
auntie em,
I hear you. That was kind of my thoughts only less bitter.
I mean, take WHAT slowly? I’ve only heard that phrase in the middle of a heated make-out session where the meaning is pretty clear.
If indeed we do meet again, I will certainly ask very nicely and sincerely what was really meant, but I’m still interested in hearing more perspectives in the meantime.
I’m sorry. That just made me laugh my ass off. 
I did come across as rather bitter, didn’t I? Really, I’ve only had the phrase used on me ONCE, by a guy who had some . . . rather questionable sexual fetishes, in my opinion (but, perhaps ironically, didn’t seem interested in having any kind of sex with me).
Finally, I just gave up, because I had no idea what was going on; one night, he’d have his hand all up in my pants (and I mean in the drawers, going for the gold) in PUBLIC, and the next he’d be giving me some blather about “Taking Things Slowly” as he punted me out of his house after two hours of utter chastity.
It was all too confusing, so I walked away.
Okay I am the Quenn of “Let’s take things Slowly” I didn’t get there by just automatically trying to dick people around which is where people seem to think that phrase comes from. Here is where it comes from for me.
To begine with, it generally means I am not committing to going out with one person. I don’t know if I want to get exclusively involved until I know if you are are someone I’d want to be involved with exclusively; therefore that also means (as he will fine out if he chooses to stick around) there isn’t going to be sex until I make up my mind about that.
I’ve met men who are perfectly rational and sane and laugh at my approach with this as if “well of course, is there any other way?” and i nearly fall for them instantly. Then there are those who think okay yeah whatever but if you don’t put out after I buy you $28 worth of drinks surely you must be dick teasing me. Then there are the ones who think because we’ve talked on the phone or emailed a few times that we must be soul mates. Do you kind of get the reason for a fear of “going too fast” until you know it is someone you can be comfortable with?
It could be completely different with this person but that is what it is like for me.
“Let’s take it slowly” means either she never wants to see you again, or wants to be with you everyday for the rest of your lives.
What’s so difficult to understand?
Duke–I’m on the other coast, actually, Carolina. But thanks for your (and everyone else’s) sympathy and commiserations nonetheless.
Based on the responses so far to the OP, I’m thinking this phrase needs to be added to the official dating handbook with an appropriately worded cautionary statement after it, something like, ‘Although this phrase can be used and interpreted in a number of different ways, none of them are good. You’re either going home with a case of blue balls (best case scenario) or the knowledge that this relationship will be ending before it ever really begins.’
Or something like that.
And I think auntie em is on to something with her interpretation about it being code for having control issues.
Wow - THANKS! I’ll keep that in mind! Thanks for telling me I have control issues!
mipiace, I think that this situation is like any other–not everybody fits the description.
Your reasoning makes sense to me, and is completely understandable. But it sounds like you are invoking the TTS mandate in terms that are quite specific (unlike the type of thing about which the OP is complaining), so why not just say to the fella what you just said to us, if it comes to that, so that everything is clear?
And for the record, any person who expects sex in exchange for dinner, drinks or gifts absolutely should be told where to get off. (Unless that’s what floats your boat, in which case, hey, more power to you, and be sure to order the lobster.)
Mind you, I don’t see anything wrong with taking a relationship at a pace that’s comfortable for you, but sometimes, when people start issuing mandates and ultimatums and so forth before much of anything has even happened, well . . . I do think it’s a power play.
Sometimes.
That is all.
You raise some good points. WHEW! I thought I had some bigger issues (not that I probabaly dont - it’s just that wasn’t one of the ones I had recognized - smile)
You are right, everything is is case specific and the best thing is probably just to talk to him/her and ask what was meant by the comment. Nothing replaces good old fashioned communication. And a great place to be in the beginning of a relationship is having an idea of what is expected.
errata,
Here’s my advice.
Do not call her or try to contact her anyhow, until she contacts you herself.
Many good bits of advice here; it’s hard to say what it means without knowing the person or the details of the situation. But let me throw one more into the mix, from my own bitter and personal experience.
Maybe she dived too fast into a relationship before (or multiple times), and it ended badly, and she thinks it might have had something to do with having gotten in too deep, too quickly, and she’s trying to compensate.
You know, someday the moment may come when it makes sense to ask her yourself. We’re all pretty much just shooting in the dark here.
Are you a man or a woman?
Lots of times it means “I want to get to know you without my judgment being all clouded with the distraction of lust, so I’m not sleeping with you right away, I’m looking for something real so don’t think I’m going to be easy”.
OR, I just got hurt and I’m going to be guarding my heart like crazy.
If a man says it to a woman? I’m not going to pretend that I’d really know, but I’m guessing that would be a case of “I just got hurt and am guarding my heart too”.
But, (in my experience) it could also mean the opposite of my first example. “Don’t get hooked on me, I just want casual sex”.
Thanks. I’m not looking for advice so much as polling folks to see what their experiences have been. No expectations of clairvoyance, just wanting to see if I was missing out on a common understanding.
It still seems like a strange line for a first date to me. Not that the feelings that inspired it are strange, but sometimes I think it’s best not to say anything if you don’t want to be specific. I don’t know enough about her to read between the lines either.
For now, I’ve decided to take it at face value as cautious ambivalence instead of a veiled rejection.
I’m still into hearing anybody elses experiences with this line.