I’m another who has gotten up and showered only to find out that it’s 1:30 in the morning.
I lived in the dorms one semester in college and slept on the top bunk. Early in the semester, I obviously had not yet gotten used to being on the top bunk. I got up to use the restroom in the middle of the night and got out of bed, expecting there to be floor. There wasn’t. I dropped about four feet and my legs buckled under me, so I ended up on my knees in some serious pain.
Someone phoned me when I was sound asleep. When I picked up and they addressed me in French, I answered in Spanish.
Arriving, severely jet lagged, in London, I suggested to my brother that at some point I might like to see “Buck… uh… Buck… uh… Buckminster Castle.”
I have twice put on shoes from different pairs – that looked nothing alike, except for being the same size – and not noticed until I got to school.
I once did that two days in a row. I’d go down to the cafeteria for breakfast, get a cup of coffee, ignore the packets of sugar by the coffee, sit down, and dump some salt into my cup. My friends found it hysterical. I did not.
One of my roommates once walked to class wearing her slippers. Big, fluffy bunny slippers.
I fell out of bed about a month ago. I was mostly asleep, but the damned light was still on, so I rolled over to turn it off, and down I went. I got up, turned the light off, and crawled into bed. I’ve never been so glad I live alone. The cats were looking at me funny though.
-Lil
I’ve made weet bix for breakfast before, and while searching for the milk have noticed that there’s a bottle of scotch on the bench. I had it picked up and about to be opened before I realised what I was doing.
Of course I tried to the same thing the next day as well.
In Spain. Extremely tired. Long train rides, one heading to Switzerland when we were supposed to be going to Spain. Jet lag. Intoxication. Raw beef.
Still not sure if it was the beer or the beef. Still alive, though.
One morning, I heard some commotion outside my door, and got up to look. I got very confused because I couldn’t seem to find the peep-hole in the door to look out of. Then I remembered that bedroom doors don’t *have * peepholes.
I have done the orange juice/water/coffee in the cereal numerous times. Once I decided that the coffee was close enough and ate it anyway, which shows just how non-functional my brain was at the time, because it wasn’t tasty.
In my first year of uni (in Belfast) I woke up at 4.30am and decided it was time for swimming practice, got in my car and started driving. And it would have been time for swimming practice if I hadn’t quit competitive swimming two years earlier, back when I was living in England and the swimming pool was in Windsor. It took me at least 20 minutes of driving to work this out, by which time I was hopelessly lost.
I was recently pan frying a small steak; I reached for the cooking oil to add just a touch, picked up a bottle of Lysol that had no business being where it was, and poured it into the skillet.
Christmas Eve past I was trying to walk down a flight of stairs with the lights off; I no longer remember why I was doing that but I missed a step, fell the last five or six steps and now have a tendon adrift, complete with a bone chip from where the tendon should be tethered. Hurts to beat hell, too.
Years ago, in my ducktail haircut days, I brushed my teeth with Brylcreem. Their commercial was true; a liitle dab’ll do ya.
When I’d just gotten my driver’s liscence, my mother was thrilled that I could drive myself to swimming practice every morning at 4:30 am. First week, I got halfway there, sleepily cursing the poor visibility… I’d forgotten to put on my glasses. I’m so nearsighted I couldn’t even make out the stop signs. I managed to make it back home without running anyone over.
In college, my alarm clock went off once and I lept out of bed to answer the phone. Which turned out to be my roommate’s shaving cream cannister. That I’d had to rummage for in his dresser drawer. When he woke up and asked me what I was doing, I replied “Wrong number,” and went back to bed.
A few years ago I was in Houston, doing plant trial coverage at our chemical plant there. I’d worked ~16 hours the previous night, and had to get up early the next morning to go in again. I went down to the “contenental breakfast” they served and happened to see some other guys from my company there. When I got back to my room, awake, I realized that (1) I’d only shaved off half my beardy stubble, and (2) I’d left in the hair clippy things I use to tame my Alfalfa-ish cowlick. Thankfully, they didn’t comment on it.
I just want all you sleepyheads to know that I have done every bleeping one of these things or their equivalent (with the exception of pulling out anything or anyone called Pinky the Monster 
) while completely awake. It was one day after I got home from a full day of work that I poured myself a bowl of Iams Adult Maintenance Formula [dog kibble], added milk and sugar, and tucked into it.
In my own defense, I have to say that I’m an insomniac and don’t usually sleep more than a total of 3 - 4 hours a day. I walk around muttering to myself and compulsively pulling out reminders on scraps of paper in an effort to pass as normal.
I suspect I’m not fooling anybody.
I live in a house full of boys. I always remember to check that the toilet seat is down (it never is). Except that one time when I got up in the middle of the night and I was too tired to remember to check. Got a cold and kinda wet surprise under my legs as I sat down to pee. Man was I pissed off as I took a quick shower to scrub behind my legs!
Well, I’ve made myself a ham and mustard sandwich and then gone to bed with it. Quite a mess in the morning.
I put the TV remote in the freezer. Couldn’t find it for days. My ex finally found it.
Had a longish phone conversation with my grandmother. She told me I was telling her a story about Pooh-bear like he was a real friend of mine. I can’t remember a word.
After moving to a new apartment years ago, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and ran smack into the wall where the bathroom *would * have been had I not moved. Knocked myself on my ass, no witnesses.
And once when I had to drive over the river to go to work really early in the morning, I couldn’t figure out why everyone was driving so fast in the thick fog. I eventually turned on my windshield wipers. Eureka! Clear as a bell. It was just mist on the windshield. I still wonder why none of the other drivers honked at the idiot driving 35 mph on the highway.
At 2 am this morning, I fell down the stairs. I had to pee, didn’t bother to wake up all the way, and headed to the bathroom.
Except the toilet in the old house is exactly the same number of steps, in the same direction, (turn around, sit down) as the second to the top step in the new place.
I have rug burn on my ass and a goose-egg on the back of my head – but I did eventually make my way back up the stairs to the current potty before accomplishing my mission.
It’s the stairs fault, really. Not my half-asleep brain – the evil, sneaky stairs!
We were remodeling the house some friends and I were renting one summer, so for about a week two of us had to sleep on the living room floor. I woke up in the middle of the night with what my sleepy brain assumed was my girlfriend’s arm around me. I mumbled something about taking off those scruffy pajamas.
Let’s just say about 10 seconds later my friend and I (both male, both straight) were wide awake and quite disturbed. We put the coffee table between us after that. In my defense, he started it.
I’m not terribly swift when I’m half-asleep, or very tired.
I learned years ago that if I wake up, I should NOT try to get out of bed immediately. Doing so just means I fall over, usually backwards onto the bed. My boyfriend got a kick out of watching me hold on to walls so I could make it to the bathroom in one piece.
I’ve also woken up an hour or two after going to bed, thinking it’s morning. Time to go to school! Let’s grab some cereal, get dres…hang on. 11pm? Really? Could’ve sworn it said 6am. Huh.
My boyfriend has also learned why I don’t drink or do recreational drugs: I don’t need em if I’m sufficiently sleepy.
Him: Whatcha thinkin’ bout?
Me: Mmmm feedin’ mashed 'taters to squirrels.
He’s gotten dozens of oddball responses like that, and I was honestly thinking such things. Life becomes hilarious and I giggle like a loon at everything.
I had a near miss one time when I was camping, woke up in the small hours needing a pee and spent about a minute trying to open the tent flap, becoming increasingly frantic as the cold night air went to work on my bladder… and finally realizing that the tent opened at the other end. :smack:
One time when #1 Son was very small, the Mrs was woken by a cry and toddled off to give him a feed, and seeing my quizzical expression she said something about how seven o’clock was normally a lie-in (true). Then she realized she had the hands on the clock mixed up and it was actually just gone half-past midnight. Baby didn’t normally get a bottle at that time of night, but he was very good about it. 
And he for his part, about three years later, got out of his cabin bed to empty his bladder, but forgot the part about going into the bathroom first… we found him in front of his bookcase, which had just received a slightly unusual rinse.
Its funny that some of these involved sleep-deprived parents. When my oldest daughter was a newborn some 19 years ago now, I swear she cried non-stop for the first 6 months. As a result, my wife & I were really sleep deprived. One night, the baby woke & started crying (as usual) and I went in to comfort her in the usual manner - patting her on the back while she laid in her crib until she settled down. I was really sleepy though and after 10-15 minutes I suddenly realized that I was starting to dribble her like a basketball on that mattress. We tell her now that she was lucky to have survived being a baby…
My co-worker has a TV in her bedroom. Her husband was sitting in bed watching a movie and he was eating a box of chocolate chip things, (is there a brand called “Rosebud”?) My co-worker went to sleep, while her husband finished watching the movie.
In the morning she woke up to gooey brown stuff all over the sheets. Her sleepy brain thought “Oh, my God! He shat himself!” There was melted chocolate everywhere, and all around his mouth. He had fallen asleep while eating the chocolate, dumping half the box in the bed, and drooling out a mouthful.