What If I only want to lose my virginity to a virgin? And other questions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

First off, I know that I make generalizations here - its all just relative to my experiences and perceptions. And I totally realize that there are a lot of different people out there. I’m not trying to label anyone or say that anyone is better than another based on sexual history/experience. With that in mind…

Ok, so here’s a bit of background. I grew up in a fairly devout mormon home. Growing up as a mormon, I was often drilled in church and whatnot about how serious a sin sexual relations are that are not within the bonds of marriage - just a step below murder, basically. Well, I kept myself out of major “sin” and eventually completed a worthy two-year mission. Well, I became pretty disenchanted with the faith during the last few months of service. I came home, had my missionary “homecoming”, went to church like once or twice, and didnt go back. I’m no longer an active mormon. I’m 23 now, and I’m still a virgin. Growing up I just really feared damnation and hellfire…And now, I just dont really know what I think.

I have that side of me that romanticizes about being able to look my wife in the eyes and tell her that she’s the only one. I definitely have strong feelings about this. I personally feel that sex is (or should be) a really meaningful (sacred?), loving aspect of a relationship, not to just be given to anyone. That’s one thing my upbringing really left ingrained in me. I just want to have fond memories of my first time…no regrets. Plus part of me would be somewhat intimidated to perform with a non-virgin.

Then, on the other hand, I have a part of me that says it would be crazy to wait. What if we’re totally sexually incompatible or something? Or what if I discover that she totally loathes sex or something? Or…well, freak…maybe she has a penis and is actually a he or something frightening like that - I dont know. It would just be unfortunate to be blissfully married and then face some sort of distressing concern on your wedding night.

Plus, is there really any chance that I’ll be able to actually meet a fellow virgin (mormons excluded)? And I mean my age. High School was one thing, this is another. In High School, it seemed that most all of my friends and peers were only just starting to discover sex. Now it seems that EVERYONE I friggin know has already become a veteran of the pillow. I don’t think a virgin exists at my workplace (and that’s kinda scary). And I’m more than a couple years behind. Virgins seem far and few between.

Part of me thinks, “well, I’ve saved myself all this time, I deserve someone who has saved themselves too.” And no, I’m not pointing any fingers or anything. Its just an apprehension.

Anyone have any thoughts or opinions on this matter? Advice? What the hell am I to do? What would you do?

2

Honestly, I think the very best thing you could do is concentrate on having good friendships with women, and stop obsessing (if that is indeed what you are doing) about when and where you might have sex.

If what you are looking for is a marriage partner, then finding someone you like and love enough to spend the rest of your life with really should be the most important criteria, not her sexual history.

3

While I can’t speak from any sort of personal experience with your dilemma, I guess virgins do still exist. I have a friend who just recently got married. She’s a Baptist, if that has anything to do with it. Anyhow, she was a virgin until her wedding night- at age 25.

While I’m betting that it’s a pretty uncommon thing these days, she can’t be the only one. If that’s really what you want, you can still probably find it.

4

I assure you all that I’m not some sex obsessed goon, constantly worrying about sex. I just think its a fairly valid concern, and thought I might see if other dopers have had similar experiences. Its not, however, something that is always on my mind.

5

It doesn’t matter if you lose your virginity to an experienced partner or another virgin–there’s no guarantee that you’ll look back on it with fond memories and have no regrets. I know that you know this, but I’ll state the obvious: just because someone has had sex before, doesn’t mean that they’re a loving, considerate partner, who will make your first experience a pleasurable one. And just because someone hasn’t had sex before, doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t have an amazing time discovering sex together. And who’s to say that you wouldn’t regret having had pre-marital sex, no matter who you had it with? The most important thing is to be with someone that you care for and trust.

Good luck to you, lukaspriest, and don’t be too eager to give away something that, once given, you can never get back.

6

You’ll never really know anyway. I mean, people lie about this all the time. If it’s that important to you, believe me…there are plenty of virgins out there looking for a guy like you. But as Lucretia said, finding the right partner is more important than choosing according to sexual history. In my opinion, the virginity thing as worn pretty thin.

7

It can happen. Through mostly a lack of opportunity – which has unfortunately reasserted itself – I didn’t lose mine until just shy of my 26th birthday. We weren’t married, but all I want to say is that there ARE older virgins out there, probably more than will admit to it.

8

My husband and I were both virgins when we married (35 and 26 respectively - 9 years ago). Though I had dated a lot, being a virgin wasn’t that big a deal - I wasn’t waiting for a virgin; I was waiting for the man who would love me, no matter what. That he was also a virgin was a bonus. Nice - I didn’t have to wonder if he was comparing me to Ms X who was (thinner, younger, agile, whatever) :smiley: And yes, it was not easy waiting until after the actual ceremony, but I’m glad we did. It makes it more special.

Find someone you can love with all your heart. What her sexual status is doesn’t matter. What matters is loving each other. That’s not easy to find.

9

I have a definite prejudice in favour of getting rid of that mofo as soon as is practical to do so. Worked for me.

Nevertheless, yours is a point of view still shared by a pretty substantial minority. Even though I’m not a virgin, without going into detail there are some frontiers I’ve left uncrossed that I’m grateful now I have the opportunity to share with the great love of my life (a.k.a. Potter).

With a view to allaying the fears of complete sexual incompatibility with the future Mrs. priest, may I ask, are there any sexual behaviours you wouldn’t consider to result in a lost virginity? There are surprising numbers of fun things you can do that don’t involve actual intercourse, including a number that she will particularly enjoy.

When you’ve lined up your inamorata, what about doing “everything but” beforehand, to ensure she’s fun and she thinks you’re fun, but still saving penetration for your wedding night?

10

Here’s where SnoopyFan opens up:

Lukas, I threw my virginity away to a complete loser who didn’t care about me and who was only out for one thing. Yeah, I gave it up, and it’s my fault. I was dumb enough to believe all his lines and I was on the rebound at the time.

I do believe it’s best to wait until you’re married. I wish I had. That said, if I could do it all over again, but couldn’t change the fact that I did it before marriage, I would, at the very least, sleep with different people than the ones I chose. Men who actually cared about me, ya know? (Gosh, I’m making this sound like I’ve slept with dozens … I haven’t, ok?)

For some people, sex is special. For others, it’s just something to do. Even though you’re not so sure about Mormonism now, I doubt it’s ever gonna turn into “just something to do” for you because of how you’ve been raised. And that’s good.

What I’m saying is if you decide that you absolutely can’t stand it anymore and just HAVE to do it, don’t settle. It’s so much better when you’re in love … which, of course, can take time. But it’s worth it.

Maybe you won’t marry your first, but wouldn’t it be nice to have FOND memories of your first time and the first woman you slept with? I look back on my first with digust (at myself for picking such a loser) and regret (that I didn’t at least save it for someone special).

Like someone else already said, concentrate on building good solid relationships first. Once you’ve got a good relationship going, sex just comes naturally. And when it’s in that environment, it’s beautiful. Really.

You are not “abnormal” for being a virgin at 23. You’re SMART! And the kind of girl you’re gonna wanna marry … Mormon or not, virgin or not … is gonna respect that. I know tons of nice girls who would love to meet a guy who, at 23, hadn’t already slept with 2 dozen women and is already paying child support.

Incidentally, out of my friends who were virgins at the altar, I’ve never known any of them to regret it. A good number of my friends that weren’t do regret it, though.

11

I have the highest respect for those who choose to have an attainable goal and actually achieve it.

That said. I do not think waiting until marriage would be the best idea. No one seems to put any stock in the old addage, what if it’s horrible sex and you are already married, so you can’t do anything about it?

I know thats extreme but…

There is some mind in this Lukas. I personally believe supressing ones natural desire to have sex with the opposite sex can do more harm than good. You are afterall an animal who is naturally going to have the desire to mate. Why do you need to wait if you are not a practicing mormon anymore, and you clearly have the desire to make love with someone. What if you meet someone really special? And if she’d not a virgin? And she wants to make love with you after you guys have been dating a while? What then Lukas.
I would certainly not want to lose an opportunity to love someone because I do not want to have sex before marriage. You have a lot to weigh out, but I think if you are making the plunge to explore the world then jump. Don’t dawdle on the edge, just do it.
Notice I used the words “to make love”. We’re not talking about hot steamy marathon epic sex, but we are talking about sharing ones own body with the one you love. Why dod you need to be married for that? You mention saving yourself, because you have already gone this far…I think that rationale is certainly made from straw.
I married my wife when I was 27. I’m now 33. We were both not virgins when we wed. We loved and respected each other and lived with one another long before we said our vows. My wifes best friend and matron of honor, had a horrible experience when she went to marry her current husband. She was brought up in much the same type of family you were. Extremely religious and so on and so forth. Anyway, 3 months before the marriage her father caught wind they had had sex before they were wed. He withdrew all funding for her wedding, cancelled all the arrangement he and his wife had made and stopped speaking to his daughter. They eneded up in front of a justice of the peace with only close friends there to witness. 4 years went by before her father spoke to her. Her 3 year old little boy had never even met his grandpa. This was a needless travesty in my book.

I for one say follow your human nature, and if you fall in love, follow your heart.

12

And for some people, there is both special sex and something-to-do sex… just like there is both McDonald’s and Chez Maxime.

14

are you dead

15

He hasn’t posted in 16 years, so–possibly?

16

You joined the board and revived an 18 year old, silly thread, to say that? Don’t be a jerk. No warning this time.

I am closing the thread.