What if you came with a label attached? What would it say? Mine would say:
**BONA FIDE ANTIQUE.
AVOID PIV.
FEED WITH PEANUT BUTTER
AND CHOCOLATE.
**
I long ago wavered, decided against and have regretted ever since not buying a t-shirt that was black with a very official-looking little technical warning label in the center of the chest. It read:
DON’T FUCK WITH ME.
I FUCK BACK.
I guess, really, I don’t know where I would have ever worn it. But in varying degrees of politeness, it’s as close to a personal label as I can put into few words.
WARNING: VOLATILE
Contents under pressure. Do not puncture container. Do not expose to heat or open flame.
Harmful or fatal if swallowed
Handle with care.
Bruises easily
<scary symbol>
WARNING:
Philosophical Hazard
On front side:
Legen
(wait for it)
back side:
dary
Store in a warm, sunny place. Say, a beach.
Heavily medicated for your protection.
I like it!
My label should be the same thing I say before I kick on the PA when working.
LOUD WARNING
Capt
My toddler’s would read:
Warning:
May cause muscle strain if lifted
Dances without warning
Will cause strangers (especially teenage girls) to turn to mush
Side effects include moderate to severe being loved, sticky hands, missing chocolate and fleeing cats
Assembled in USA with foreign components
Slightly Irregular
Provided “as is” with no warranties whatsoever, either express or implied
User assumes responsibility for any and all damages resulting from use
Non-returnable/non-refundable
Made in india 
Store in a cool, dry place, away from pets or children.
Side effects include: nausea, vomiting, an intense desire to shower.
Take only as needed.
Consult a physician if experiencing depression or thoughts of suicide.
Machine wash only.
NO REFUNDS!
Point cap away from you while opening.
For general purpose use only.
I was instructed by the SDMB that objects don’t “say” anything. My label would read “High Voltage.”
Light touch paper and stand well back.
Keep out of reach of children.
Contains high fructose corn syrup.