Alright. I found an Al-anon meeting. It’s Sunday at 7pm and not very far away from home. It’s also at a time when Leifsdad can watch the kids, so I don’t have to pay someone (or have to take a bus!)
Leifsmama wrote
I’m honestly sorry if I implied you said something that you didn’t, although I have no idea what that could be. The original quote said “… I’ll try to change him”, and I changed it to “…I’ll try to change (his drinking habits)” because your original context made it clear you were talking about drinking and the quote I pulled didn’t mention drinking. I wanted to context to be accurate. The parentheses are a pretty standard journalistic practice.
I think it’s a matter of personality. Because to answer your question directly: yes, I try to change people in my life every day. Personally, I think it would be irresponsible and unloving to act in any other way. Supporting a self-destructive behaviour in a loved one is a very bad idea. As a general rule, it’s not my experience that you drive someone away by giving them good guidence and helping them get where they want to go, quite the opposite in fact. Yes, I’ve had experiences where people were driven away, but I haven’t had one of those I regret, and in fact if the person would’ve still been close, but still self-destructive and I would’ve said nothing, I would’ve been very disappointed in myself.
I understand your “relating” personality, and I’m not saying your approach isn’t often better. But I am saying that the “never try to change anyone ever” attitude is broken.
Anyway, my input above (and here) was sent with the best intentions for you and your family, and I hope you can take it in that spirit. I do hope things get better, and by that I mean I do hope you take active steps to make things better.
Here’s a variation on the pastry chef theme: Some chain-store baked goods shops do their own baking. I believe Mrs. Field’s Cookies is one. Dunkin Donuts may be another. I’d expect that those places would want to hire good chefs. Anybody ever worked for such a place?
The Dunkin Donuts near my office – three in the train station alone – all do a VERY brisk morning business. As a baker, I suppose you’d be working very early in the morning, and ought to be home in time for Liefsdada to use the car.
There’s also various cake shops around town; they’d probably be a better job fit for you.
Good luck.
Bill H., the standard journalistic practice is to use square brackets . Parentheses imply that the words were in the material you’re quoting. Just so you know for the future.
Leifsmama, you have my sympathy. I have no better suggestions than you have been given here, though. Good luck with everything!
Brava on finding the Al-Anon meeting! Please don’t let yourself get talked out of going!
Ditto that, my mom worked out of our home making cookies and cakes for people during the holidays, for companies that wanted to have office parties etc… I remember one weekend she baked 56 dozen cookies. Find a few things you make really well, figure your unit cost and then a reasonable profit and get ready to go to town. The hardest part for her was getting started but once she got her name out via word of mouth she constantly turned down business because she didn’t have time to do it all.
Good luck and best wishes.
The laws vary by state, but here in Maryland, you have to be a licensed home day care provider, and also certified in First Aid, and you have to claim the money for Social Security and taxes. You also want to be bonded for your Home Owner’s insurance in case of an accident.
The people who pay you want to be able to claim it for deductions on their taxes, so you have to claim it as income.
If you get caught doing unlicensed day care, you’ll get in big trouble.
It’s fairly easy to get set up, and there’s a huge need for it, but you really need to do it legally.
My very first job was in a cookie shop and the bakers used to come in SUPER early, and were out by noon. Are there any bakeries near you? Perhaps you could find something where you only had to have someone watch the kids for a couple of hours? The paper route idea sounded good as well.
You can take this advice or leave it, but in my experience, when a person endulges in excessive escapism via alchohol, drugs or even video games, something is not right with them inside. It could be temporary or permanent. From what you’ve said about his family as well, it sounds as if it’s a personality thing with him, which means it’s not gonna change without a lot of counseling and support.
You may think that forcing him to deal with things will push him away now, but if you do nothing, he’ll retreat even further away all by himself. No one can fight his demons but him, and it doesn’t sound as if he’s going to fight them without being pushed to do so. It’s your job to push. You’re enabling him right now, which is hurting him and yourself and your child. You can’t do it forever, ignoring the problem is not going to make it go away and it’s sure as hell not going to go away by itself.
I don’t mean to sound as if I’m lambasting you, but sometimes telling it like it is, is kinder in the long run than sugar coating it.
I’m going to second all those saying “get an ‘exit’ bank account”. I too had relationship with an alcoholic. Usually not good news. Make plans, just in case.
good luck
Just an opinion on this “exit bank account”. I’m not sure what exactly is being proposed. But if one day I found out my wife was keeping a secret bank account that I didn’t know about or have access to in the off chance that she needed to leave me, I’d be furious. And not because of the money, because of the sneakiness and lack of trust.
I can see the value in needing to go if something goes wrong. But I think it’s a really really risky thing to do something as important as that behind your spouses back. Same thing with the Al-anon thing in my opinion. You should absolutely go, but you should absolutely tell him as well. Better fight the fight now, then risk a much more severe fight down the road, one that involves (true) accusations of lying and distrust.
Leifsmama, with all due respect, you seem to be the kind of person who has no faith in themselves or what they can accomplish. My mother calls these people “yes, buts”. I hate the term, but it gets the point across. Is is possible that you’re not willing to take some chances because you’re afraid of what might happen?
In reading this thread, it seems to me that you have some reason for NOT doing quite a lot. If you really want a job, you might have to take what you can get. You may have to take a third shift, or work full-time, or walk to work, or take the bus. . .etc. I’m only saying this because YOU have to be the one to make the changes. It’s obvious from your posts that your husband isn’t going to change, so it’s got to be you.
Please don’t think I’m being rude, or overstepping boundaries, (boundaries? in the sdmb?) it’s just that this whole situation is so completely fixable. You have to take control of your life.
Bill H., one principle in dealing with alcoholics (and people in general) is “be honest, but don’t be stupid”. An active alcoholic is an irrational creature, one already operating on a basis of lies and deceit, even if they themselves can’t recognize it. The people around an alcoholic often have to protect themselves. This is a reality. People around an alcoholic should be encouraged to take care of their minor children and themselves first, because if they don’t, noone else will.
If you were behaving honestly and above-board and your spouse was keeping a secret bank account, that’s one thing. But if you were drinking away various amounts and refusing to account for said funds while the wife was struggling to feed the kids and pay the rent, I’d say she had not only the right but the duty to sock away some cash that you wouldn’t be grabbing onto and using as booze/drug/party money.
Well done on finding the al-anon meeting. I hope you find the courage to go and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Best wishes.
Bill, this kind of outrage at the implied lack of trust is understandable if you are trustorthy, but active alcoholics, as a class, are not.
Thanks Qadgop the Mercotan that’s exactly what I meant, thank you for clarifying in such an eloquent way.
Also to Leifsmom regarding her statement about “have you ever tried to change someone”?
Why are you less worthy than your husband to receive the things you need? You need to feel safe, listened to, and an important part of this marriage. Instead you appear to be miserable, uncertain and not being taken care of.
The alcoholism needs to go. That’s NOT “trying to change him”. It’s a fact, he’s ill. It will only end up hurting you and your kids in the end.
Staying with and supporting an alcoholic is called “enabling”.
I wish you luck with this.
Good luck with Al-Anon. Keep being brave.
One can stay with and even to an extent support, and love, an alcoholic without enabling them. But it takes work, and knowledge. The knowledge to do it can be found in Al-Anon.
Why can’t you drive your husband to work and pick him up so that you could have the car during the day to work? Also, I don’t know your husband’s gross income, but it appears you probably would qualify for child-care assistance.
Also, saving, instead of drinking, $200 per month would solve your car problem in almost no time. But then, you already know that, I’m sure.
I know this is a moot point because she said her kitchen wasn’t big enough, but I wanted to clarify regarding licenses. I am starting up my own business so I have loads of paper work in regards to that:
(from a sheet I got from the people that are helping me out)
All businesses operating within the city limits of Fort Worth are required to have a business license. This includes businesses that operate from the home. The purpose of a business license is taxation of the privilege of doing business in the city.
If you sell something, be it a cake or in my case- pinbacks, you are technically running a business.
I’m not trying to beat a dead horse but as Leifsmama mentioned, these fines can be rather harsh.
It’s one thing to make stuff on the side, but all it takes is one phone call to really make you regret it.
Best of luck to you.
I’m glad you found an Al-Anon meeting, [blLM**. Please go, and keep going.
I struggled for a long time with the feeling that I didn’t want to try to change my husband, too, so I can understand that impulse. You knew his issues when you married him, etc.
But my marriage counselor finally pointed out to me something that I hadn’t paid much attention to: You circumstances are different now than they were when you chose each other. You’ve got different bills, you have a child, you have money issues that need to be dealt with. Given the changes in your lives together, you have the right to expect some changes, just as he would expect changes from you.
My guess is, you’ve been making changes to keep your marriage strong and hold the family together, right? And you’ll be making more changes by going to work now, because you’re putting your MARRIAGE and your FAMILY first.
It’s okay to ask him to make some changes in his life now, hon. He’s got responsibilities now that he’s never had before, and the health of his family MUST be his first priority.
Now, all that doesn’t mean he WILL change…only that I don’t think you should feel obligated to live with his alcoholism if you find that it is affecting your life and the lives of your children. I hope that makes sense.
Hang in there. {{{hugs}}}