What in the hell is wrong with my husband

The BBQ Pit
81

Leifsmom, you have my complete sympathy and undersanding. Years ago, I was in the same situation. The only difference was that drugs were added to the mix and My SO was self-employed.

I am glad to see that you are going to an Al-Anon meeting. Those meetings were the only thing that allowed me to keep my sanity during the rough years. got the same treatment from him regarding going to Al-Anon. But once he understood I was doing it for ME, not him, he relented. Keep going. It will take more than one meeting before you get it through your head. If you do not connect to the people at that meeting, find another. Get a sponsor as soon as you can. This person can be invaluable to you. Practice what you learn. Yes, it is scary, but it does work.
My SO would also spend money we didn’t have in order to assuage his guilt. We would be unable to pay the mortgage, yet he would spend $200 on dressy clothes for the kids.

I don’t know if your family would qualify, but look into applying for Food Stamps. It’s not fun, and alot of times I would go to the grocery store in the middle of the night to use them, but it kept us from starving. Look into any other government programs you can.

You may think about re-joining the workforce even if it only goes to pay for day care. You would be building on your resume and work experience, you would have adult contact and an added sense of independence. This could prove invaluable to you in the future. I too, endorse the idea of a seperate “secret” account. You are not with-holding anything from him or your family. That account is only to use in case of emergency. If he knows about it, believe me, he will find a way into it and will drink it up. He doesn’t need to know about it. It is there for your protection.

Have you looked into medical transcibing at home? You may have to take a few course for this, and again, you may be able to get government subsidies or grants for those classes.

I have blocked out alot of those nightmare years, and we have come a long way since then. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant too, please feel free to e-mail me.

82

I wonder. Like he sees being alcoholic as a personal failure, and he feels guilty? Makes some sense.

My first husband and I had money problems for probably 20 of the 27 years we were married.

He was also alcoholic, raised poor, abusive father, martyred mother, big family, poster family for dysfunctional, the stories would keep Springer going for weeks.

He was truly miserable when we were broke, but only slightly less miserable when things were better. Towards the end, things were really good – everything was going his way, but he still couldn’t accept his life.

It was like he made up his mind early that he wasn’t ever going to be happy or satisfied with anything. Whenever he got something he wanted, or whenever someone did something that pleased him, it just set him up to start wanting again.

He’d have split seconds of peace and joy, and then it was like he’d stop and think, “Hey, I’m not supposed to feel like this, cut it out.”

You said he treats you with respect, “for the most part.” That’s a statement that shouldn’t have a qualifier, and it hints that there’s more going on than his overspending on alcohol.

Good luck with Al-Anon. I wish I had done it.

83

Wow.

When I first read your OP a day or so ago, Leifsmama, it sounded an awfully lot like my situation with my parents. My father is an alcoholic.

I didn’t see specific mention of the ages of your children, but since they cannot be left alone, I assume they are fairly young. I know it has been said, but please think about their futures. I say this because - well, I’ve been through it. I have watched my parents fight over money. They still do it, my father is unemployed and while my mother makes decent money, she can’t support herself and my father and brother and pay all the bills. I’ve watched her sit up nights wondering where he is, if he’s going to be drunk and staggering in or wreck on the way home.

Every single day is a battle with my parents. My father doesn’t feel that he has a problem. He refuses therapy and AA. He tells my mom that she knew he drank when they got married. The relationship between him and my brother is shot. My father never physically abused me, but he sees my brother (who is 17) as a “man” and there’s a lot of stress right there with my brother being a dumb teenager and my father thinking my brother should be able to handle things “like a man.” I have broken up fights between them that started with my father punching my brother in the face. I’ve lost so much respect for my father because of this. It is just an all around bad situation.

Now sometimes I think if my father loved my mother, brother, and me, he wouldn’t do this shit. He’d get help. He wouldn’t drink all the time. He’d get a job. I suppose I know that there is something wrong with that thinking, because I am pretty sure that he does love us. If we ever say anything to HIM, he says we just don’t love him. It is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Sometimes, I can’t understand how I can actually love the man so much and still really dislike him.

I know I got all rambly. Sorry about that - really, I just want to say, PLEASE PLEASE get help. For you, for your children. I’m very glad to see that you’re going to an Al-Anon meeting. Best of luck to you, hon.

84

Leifsmama, please check your e-mail.

Robin

85

This is the saddest thread I’ve read in years. The guy is a jerk, a punk, and a loser. I feel for the kids most of all. Yeah, I know you “love” him. But damn. Just plain damn.

86

Thank you again everyone who’s posted. I really do appriciate all the advice and goodwill. Add me to the list of people that think Dopers are some of the best people in the world. There has been such a wonderful out-pouring of help and concern that I just can’t even…well, just thank you, a lot.

Jessity, when I hear stories like yours it makes me afraid. I’m trying my best for the kids. Leifsdad is an alcoholic and had a horrible father that did things to him he won’t even tell me about. He get so depressed whenever he even remembers them. I don’t want this for my kids. I love my husband, but have no problem leaving for good the first time anyone is hit. Outside of that I want to make this work. I didn’t marry this man on a whim and I knew what I was getting into, or rather I knew in words what I was getting into, the life experience of which I am now learning.

Libertarian, it’s easy to see it this way. A lot of my friends feel exactly as you do. But it’s not as easy to see that inside he’s a beautiful person with a lot of love. Hell, it’s hard for Leifsdad to see it most days which I suspect is why he started drinking in the first place. He really is a good person who’s made a lot of bad choices in his life, is still making bad choices.

87

I’m not saying that every situation is like mine, Leifsmama, but. . . you do need to consider what this can do to your children, even down the road.

I shouldn’t have said I really dislike my father - I do like him sometimes, and I do really dislike him sometimes. Sometimes, I see it Lib’s way, and sometimes I don’t. Mostly, when I know that people think that way, that he’s a jerk or a loser, it makes me want to keep it inside even more, and that doesn’t do anything but hurt me more. I figure that is part of what has kept my mother around so long.

You really don’t want this for your kids. I talked to my mom a while back, and we were talking about my dad and this sort of thing, and she started crying and said that she felt like every positive thing she did or tried to teach us was outweighed by the negatives that came from my father. I told her that was pretty crazy, seeing as my brother and I are both very close with our mom. Not only do we love her, we genuinely like her. She’s everything a mom is supposed to be. She cares what’s going on with us, she pushes us to do our best and tries to give us everything she can, yet makes us work to get what we need. (I hope that makes sense.) She’s always tried to teach us to do the right thing, she helps us out, she doesn’t take any shit, and she lets us know that she is proud of whatever we did as long as we gave it our best shot. I have the feeling that you’re a good mom, too.

I called my dad the other day, just to talk. I missed him. We got into a conversation about his childhood and so on and so forth. Basically, I told him it made me sad that we aren’t very close, and that it made me sad that when I was a teenager, our relationship sucked so bad. It was horrible, we fought and argued all the time. He ended up getting mad - I wasn’t blaming him, just saying that it was a lot of time lost and I wish it wasn’t also that way with my brother.

I’m rambling again, I know. I want your husband to know what this can turn into. I don’t know if that would change things a little or not. But it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. He should be in AA or seeking therapy. You going to Al-Anon should be very helpful, too. I know you said you were going, but I don’t want you to back out. That first step is incredibly hard, but you do it for you and your kids. Please, please feel free to email me if you want to talk about this or vent or just need some more support. Anything.

88

Leifsmama, your posts are like the ghosts of my past speaking to me.

As I mentioned in another thread, my ex died at age 36 from alcohol abuse. When we got married, I said the same thing, I knew he was an alcoholic but I thought I could deal with it. I promised to deal with it and stand by him.

I tried everything to keep our marriage alive because I loved him even though he was eroding that love as he got sicker and meaner, but nothing worked.

It took me a long time to get over the guilt of breaking the promises I made to him. I also went through a lot of “what if” I had been able to make it work, maybe he would have licked the problem and he’d be alive today. Then I discovered I had been conditioned by our relationship to think that way, to take responsibility, take the blame for his ruined life.

I’m telling you this because you sound just like I did about 3 years before we divorced. You are not responsible for his actions. My ex used to say he’d die without me, making me responsible for his whole existence. I think that’s what alcoholics do, make someone else responsible for their situation, shift the blame.

It breaks my heart to hear about someone in the same situation I was that really screwed up my head. Like someone else said earlier, I’m still not right. I don’t know what the answer is, although al-anon should at least help you learn how to deal with your responses to his actions.

I guess this has been a total hijack, I don’t really have any ideas for money making. I do agree that you should keep as much money aside as you can, and I wouldn’t tell him about it, either.

Good luck, I wish there were any easy answer. Just remember only you can control your own feelings and actions. You don’t have to be miserable just because he is.

PS about hitting bottom, that doesn’t always do it, either. My ex hit bottom in a big way (drunken car wreck, almost died) and after he recovered, still he drank, until he died. :frowning:

89

He died at 36? That’d only leave us with 7 years. My kids’d be 9 and 8…

90

Well?

91

I understand. And that would be fine if the only person who suffered were an adult like yourself, capable of giving meaningful consent to be his throw rug. As I said, what’s sad is the kids — they have no choice but to endure this. With any luck, they’ll find a mentor somewhere outside the home.

92

Originally posted by Leifsmama:

I think that what you say right here is a good thing that maybe doesn’t go far enough.

(FTR: I’ve never had to deal with an alcoholic, so this is not the voice of experience speaking.)

That having been said; just because one person in a relationship doesn’t strike the other doesn’t mean that the relationship shouldn’t end, or at least take a break.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying that you should leave or that you shouldn’t leave. What I’m saying is that physical violence (either the presence or the lack thereof) isn’t, IMO, the only criterion that you should use in attempting to figure out how to deal with this marriage.

Good luck, hon. I’m rooting for your happiness and the happiness of your kids.

93

I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Libertarian, are you trying to guilt Leifsmama in some way, here?

94

I don’t think Libertarian is trying to guilt her. I think he’s trying to be as frank as he can.

Look, Leifshusband is what both Libertarian and Leifsmama are describing. He IS a jerk and a loser. But he’s probably also a sweet guy at heart who loves his wife and kids. If he feels guilty about his inability to give his family as much as he would like to, believe me, I totally understand; like me, and like a lot of men, he probably values providing for his family, but sometimes we lack the self-discipline to do it as well as we could. If that self-discipline breaks down far enough a nice guy CAN become a jerk and a loser. It’s totally understandable and it happens to a lot of people, and it’s not necessarily permanent; he doesn’t sound like a bad man, or an evil man, to me in any way.

So nobody here is claiming he’s Adolf Hitler, but at the same time a problem exists and it has to be attacked ASAP for the sake of the kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

I have an aunt and uncle just like Leifshusband. They’re very sweet, nice people, honestly; they’re as pleasant and friendly as anyone you’d care to meet, they love their kids, absolutely adore their granddaughter, you name it. They’re also hopeless, alcoholic uberlosers who have, to my absolute bafflement, somehow managed to lose their house now even though my aunt won a $350,000 settlement for a minor injury suffered in a car crash. (I think she’s a gambling addict, too.) But they’re nice, and for 30 years that’s all anyone would say about them, was that they were nice. They never beat their kids, never committed any felonies, but they’ve managed to run their lives into the ground all the same and alienate their son through their irresponsibility and mooching.

So, say what you will, but Leifsmama has to act NOW. She and her hubby are still young. They can turn things around. They have a RESPONSIBILITY to turn things around without delay, and if she has to arrange an intervention or apply pressure or whatever, do it. This can’t be coasted through; it will not go away. Because it can be fixed now. You don’t want to end up like my aunt and uncle. It’s too late for them.

95

I dunno, RickJay. . . “With any luck, they’ll find a mentor somewhere outside the home.” That’s what I was talking about when I asked if Lib was trying to guilt her. I didn’t say anybody said her husband was like Adolf Hitler. I agree totally, he probably IS a nice, sweet person. When I asked if Lib was guilting her, well, that’s what it looked like to me. Whether or not she read that the same way I did, I don’t know. I was only asking.

And yeah, for the sake of the kids is what I was talking about in my first two posts. Maybe you missed that, I dunno. I’m certainly not telling her to wait and things will work themselves out. I know better than that. They won’t work out on their own.

96

OK, but …

I’ve worked with city officials in the past. They are a reasonable bunch, most of the time. (There are exceptions, of course.) Most of the time, they want the folks in their city to succeed. Talk to them and tell them you’re trying to build something from nothing and you might well find that they’d be willing to take a deferred payment or a partial payment on your license until your business gets on its feet. Sometimes you find some rigid, unhelpful folks, and they can be a stumbling block, but a lot of city employees really want to help if they can – that’s why some of them got into public service.

97

I can take him to work. It’s 45 minutes each way and eats up a lot of gas. I do it on days that the kids have doctors appointments and the like.

98

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=183380I went to al-anon tonight.

99

Guilt? No. I hope I’m appealing to reason rather than emotion.

The kids really have no choice. They are being forced to learn by example what a family does and what a father is. They are being taught, despite anyone’s intentions or desires, that their existence does not constitute what it ought to — a tremendous success for their father. He measures his success by how much money and property he has personally, and not by how well he provides for his children. He deals with his own problems by drinking what little money they have, rather than being concerned about the problems his immaturity is causing the kids. It is only a matter of time before he begins to blame them (and her) for his “plight”. This situation has hell-hole written all over it, and no matter how sweet and precious he may be deep inside somewhere, it is unreasonable to expect the children to serve as guinea pigs for his journey toward enlightenment.

100

Ick. What the hell is wrong with your husband is a lot. But perhaps you can work with him to fix those problems.

In the meantime, when it comes to food stamps, WIC, any other government programs, I second that emotion. Additionally, if there is a farmer’s market in your city (and if you have a bus line, I’m guessing there is), you can save a bundle on good vegetables and fruit and get pretty good deals on bulk grains and beans.

Here are some “find some kind of work” websites that may be helpful. I cannot vouch for these sites, and I do not know of the staff of the state agencies are helpful or mule-headed. Nonetheless, I hope this gives you an idea of how many options you do have. It’s all about understanding your options; feeling trapped is the worst feeling in the world. Perhaps you could get a job at a school or daycare, with a free care for your kids part of the deal.
http://www.buzgate.com/tx_bfh_program.html

http://www.tded.state.tx.us/guide/search/s-sbdc.cfm

You may also want to talk to someone at a women’s center for advice about … well, about all the things you’ve complained about here. Local counselors will know exactly what services are available to you. Here are some statewide resources.

http://www.dhs.state.tx.us/how_to.html

http://www.texasonline.state.tx.us/category.jsp?language=eng&categoryId=7.2.6

Please feel free to come to my house and hit me in the face with a pie if I misread your posts and you are NOT from Texas.