Thank you very much for the encouragement and kind words. 
YogSosoth, like raspberry hunter, I really don’t see anything to be gained by escalating conflict with my folks. My parents have been awesome parents for the most part (and my dad only says extreme things like that when his drunkenness coincides with something else). We will never agree on certain things (like abortion and gay marriage), but I don’t really think that yelling at them over these topics would accomplish anything - it wouldn’t even make me feel better.
I do have relatives that are super conservative and generally just crude and ignorant, but rebelling against them would only make family occasions ugly and really hurt my parents’ feelings. I’d rather just suffer through their conversation twice a year in silence than make a fuss.
“Dad, am I still a slut if it’s only butt sex?”
Sorry for the heart ache and emotional scarring. Parents are not perfect and they want you to be perfect.
If you’re asking how to maintain a respectful relationship with a parent who obviously does not respect you, I’m at a loss. My parents were domineering as I grew up and I had little or no self-confidence. It took some 10 years after I left home to build it up, and you can bet that I did, too. I was visiting them one time and they were talking about Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” to drugs campaign and it’s great effectiveness. I casually mentioned that thousands of heroin addicts were just going to quit cold turkey because Nancy to them to say No. My dad suddenly pointed his finger at me, enraged, and yelled, “You’ve got an attitude problem!” I responded, “I’m 35 years old. I can have whatever attitude I feel like!”
Needless to say, we don’t spend much time together. But I’m amazed at people in their 50’s who still kowtow in fear to parents in the 70’s. Look, mom, dad, when I was a kid, you had an obligation to take care of me and, good, bad or indifferent, I don’t hold your methods against you. But as an adult, treat me with the same respect as you demand for yourselves. Or fuck off. Them’s your choices.
Minor update: he went to go have a chat with my parents this evening. I was afraid they might give him a hard time but he said they were reasonable and honest about what they thought. I just feel bad because I feel like having to discuss these issues with my parents has made him miss his dad a lot. But hopefully my parents will now leave us in peace.
Ignore him, because you recognize that he is judging you by an outdated code of ethics that wasn’t followed in his day, either. Easier said than done, I’m sure. I think you definitely need to keep your issues with your boyfriend separate from this dad-being-a-douche thing; you can’t very well expect him to be more comfortable with getting married more quickly because of your parents’ cultural expectations.
For what it’s worth, you’re one of my favorite posters, and I hope you forget about this immediately.
ETA: I see this thread is now three pages and I’m way late to the party and everyone has moved on.
Interesting, YogSosoth. I’m not totally sure my parents wouldn’t’ve thrown me out of the house if I’d tried what you did as a teenager, but then, my grandfather DID throw my dad out of the house (and not because he was acting up, just because my step-grandmother said to) – I’m not talking for a night or so, I’m talking my dad was given $50 and a train ticket to NY and placed on the train. Seriously. The boy was in ninth grade. My dad is way WAY better than my grandfather (which is another thing – it’s hard for me to justify treating him badly when I know what a terrible monster his father was) but still, these are demons I don’t want to get into for either of our sakes.
I suppose it’s all a big game of chicken, but my extended family (thanks, grandpa!) had already raised the bar far higher than it sounds like your family ever would.
This, on the other hand, I can see getting behind (I think my sister’s life would have been FAR easier if she had done this – with a girl, of course – during her teenage years.)
HazelNutCoffee, I’m glad things went well. Perhaps even if he misses his dad he can forge a good relationship with yours? It’s a little hard to do with Korean parents sometimes, but my husband is quite fond of my parents, though we definitely agree his are much easier to deal with!