“I stopped trying to drown my sorrows years ago when I learned that all sorrows can float, several can tread water, some can swim, and a few can perform CPR on their fellow sorrows.” – pinkfreud
Not sure who said it but “Courage is falling off the horse and getting back on anyway.”
Be not over just: and be not more wise than is necessary, lest thou become stupid. --Ecclesiastes 7:16 (Douay-Rheims translation)
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. --Jane Austen, letter to her sister Cassandra (1798-12-24)
If you torture data sufficiently, it will confess to almost anything. -Fred Menger, chemistry professor (1937- )
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit fact. --“A Scandal in Bohemia”, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
“The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing.”–Gamal Abdul Nasser
“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.”–George Bernard Shaw
“Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor.”–Wehrner von Braun
“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.”–J Paul getty
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. – Helen Keller
The odds are good; but, the goods are odd.
The other day somewhere I came across a new thought. We all talk about the banality of evil. But there is also banality of courage and good.
Gee- thanks a lot. 
Since someone quoted oil billionaire J Paul Getty, here’s another one:
The 3 steps to success are:
- Rise early
- Work late
- Strike Oil !!!
Never underestimate the perversity of inanimate objects.
All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, poet – “Upon the Sand.”
[William] Gibson is the man who, after all, in the late '80s observed, “The future is already here; it’s just not evenly distributed.”
“Since everything is but an illusion, perfect in being as it is; having no good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst into laughter.” - Zen Anarchists
“Nirvana is Samsara fully realized; Samsara is Nirvana rightly understood.” -Ken Wilber
Anya (from Buffy) : [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, ah, but NOT to obey you, of course, because that’s anachronistic and misogynistic and who you do you think you are, like a sea captain o-or something?
Philip K. Dick quote: “I think they ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God, you get to keep him.” 
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
- Buddha
“What does the creature made all of seadrift do on the dry sand?
What does the mind do, each morning, waking?”
The Lathe of Heaven, by Ursula K. LeGuin
Buffy: Spike: cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea?
Buffy: Buffybot (malfunctioning) ‘If we want her to be exactly she’ll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she’s gone’ who?
Get Real / Steven Carter: It’s only love. What’s everyone so scared of?
Y Tu Mama Tambien: Julio Zapata: Truth is cool but unattainable… the truth is totally amazing, but you can’t ever reach it.
What Dreams May Come / Albert: Chris, “here” is big enough for everyone to have their own private universe.
Made in Heaven / Emmett: Remember Heaven, Elmo? All you have to do is think about where you want to be and you’re there.
Moulin Rouge / Toulouse-Lautrec: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
My Own Private Idaho / Mike Waters: I’m a connoisseur of roads. I’ve been tasting roads my whole life. This road will never end. It probably goes all around the world
Donnie Darko / Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit? / Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
Donnie Darko / Dr. Lilian Thurman: If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.
Creator / Dr Harry Wolper: I tell you Sid, that one of these days we’ll look in to our microscope and find ourselves staring right into God’s eyes, and the first one who blinks is going to lose his testicles.
Creator / Dr Harry Wolper: Love Formula. Add up the number of times that you think about the lady each day. Subtract from the total the number of times you think about yourself each day. If the remainder is more lady, and less yourself, then it’s love
Creator / Dr Harry Wolper: I don’t think I’d like to be God, not that I’m turning down any offers mind you. But there are six billion people on this planet and I still feel alone. Imagine being One God.
Nothing / Dave: [jumps] You’re right. The nothingness looks, feels and bounces like tofu… which, ironically, tastes like nothing.
The Big Blue / Enzo: Don’t look at Jaques as if he was a human being, he comes from another planet.
The Princess Bride / Inigo Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father prepare to die.
The Princess Bride / Grandpa: [voiceover] That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying “As you wish”, what he meant was, “I love you.” And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back
The Princess Bride / Westley: This is true love - you think this happens every day?
The Princess Bride / Fezzik: You’ve been mostly-dead all day.
The Princess Bride / Buttercup: You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.
The Princess Bride / The Impressive Clergyman: And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva…
The Princess Bride / Grandpa: Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End.
Memento / Leonard Shelby: She’s gone. And the present is trivia, which I scribble down as fucking notes.
Memento / Leonard Shelby: Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They’re just an interpretation, they’re not a record, and they’re irrelevant if you have the facts
Memento / Natalie: Is that what your little note says? It must be hard living your life off a couple of scraps of paper. You mix your laundry list with your grocery list you’ll end up eating your underwear for breakfast.
Tank Girl / Tank Girl: Look, it’s been swell, but the swelling’s gone down.
The Butterfly Effect / Dr. Redfield: Just think of your mind as a movie, you can pause, rewind or slow down any details you want.
The Neverending Story / Rock Biter: A hole would be something. No, it was nothing.
The Neverending Story / Rock Biter: They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were.
The Neverending Story /Engywook: It’s my scientific specie-ality.
Love Actually / Prime Minister: If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.
Love Actually / Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Love Actually / Harry: Invite him out for a drink and then after about twenty minutes casually drop into the conversation the fact that you’d like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
Love Actually / Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Love Actually / Billy Mack: Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.
Love Actually / Sam: Let us go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle / Kelly Garrett: Angels are like diamonds. They can’t be made, you have to find them. Each one is unique.
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle / Alex Munday: You always fall for the bad guy. / Dylan Sanders: Then he must be really evil.
Bring It On / Missy: What is your sexuality? / Les: Well, Jan’s straight, and I’m… controversial. / Missy: Are you trying to tell me you speak fag? / Les: Oh, fluently.
The Color Purple / Shug: I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don’t notice it.
The Matrix / Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead… only try to realize the truth. / Neo: What truth? / Spoon boy: There is no spoon. / Neo: There is no spoon? / Spoon boy: Then you’ll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
The Matrix / Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?
The Matrix / Morpheus: I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.
The Matrix / Neo: I know you’re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you’re afraid… you’re afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
The Matrix / Morpheus: Welcome to the desert of the real.
The Matrix / Morpheus: You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.
The Matrix / Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
The Matrix / Oracle: It means know thy self. I wanna tell you a little secret, being the one is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through.
The Matrix Reloaded / Neo: Are there other programs like you? / The Oracle: Oh, well, not like me. But… look, see those birds? At some point a program was written to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, and the wind, the sunrise, and sunset. There are programs running all over the place. The ones doing their job, doing what they were meant to do, are invisible. You’d never even know they were here. But the other ones, well, we hear about them all the time. / Neo: I’ve never heard of them. / The Oracle: Oh, of course you have. Every time you’ve heard someone say they saw a ghost, or an angel. Every story you’ve ever heard about vampires, werewolves, or aliens, is the system assimilating some program that’s doing something they’re not supposed to be doing.
The Matrix Reloaded / The Keymaker: There is a building. Inside this building there is a level where no elevator can go, and no stair can reach. This level is filled with doors. These doors lead to many places. Hidden places. But one door is special. One door leads to the source.
The Matrix Revolutions / Rama-Kandra: Karma’s a word. Like “love”. A way of saying ‘what I am here to do.’ I do not resent my karma - I’m grateful for it. Grateful for my wonderful wife, for my beautiful daughter. They are gifts. And so I do what I must do to honour them.
Tank Girl / Tank Girl: Ladies, lock up your sons!
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde
“An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.”
- G. K. Chesterton
“If dog continues to eat dog, there will be only one dog left, and he will be sick to his stomach.” –E.B. White, 1933
Not exactly funny, and certainly not inspiring. But wise caution for tough times.
Do server hamsters count as inanimate objects?
“…and all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks
with one word: Unless…”
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
– Mohandas K. Gandhi
“Whether or not good ends can justify evil means, they certainly cannot make evil means any less evil.” – The Book of Exalted Deeds (a D&D supplement)
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” – Robert Fulghum
“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” – Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)
“If I worry, will the future change?” – Kwai Chang Kane
“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” – Anne Lamott, writer
“Though we might have precious little
It’s still precious”
– Neil Peart
“Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been passionate, rebellious, and immature.” – Tom Robbins
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. – Homer Simpson
“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” - Samuel Johnson (unverified)
“If you lose, say little. If you win, say less.” - the wall at my local hockey rink
Dunno, it seems rather pointless to try and insult one or two nations by coming up with things that neither of them would plausibly do.
“In Japan when there’s a skunk, they call Sumo wrestlers, but in Canada they use a moose to chase it out! Ha-HAH!”