What species of Doper are YOU? (May offend.)

Hey Doc, seen any of these running around?

The Eclectic Wraith is a species that is able to adapt to any habitat within the SDMB with ease yet they are difficult to classify due to their liquid nature. At one moment they may be debating the rights of the disabled or rambling about how much they like black ink and the next tearing someone a new one in The Pit. They cannot stand injustice, despise cliques, and resist classification knowing that a few words cannot fully describe their true nature.

Being chameleon-like the Wraith can travel freely without drawing too much attention to itself despite the fact it leaves it markings everywhere. It’s habits are relatively unknown as it does not frequently share details, those who are able to draw this reclusive creature out are truly master posters.

Few have heard the mating call of the Wraith as they are monogamous in nature and even when alone they are not prone to gratuitous flirting. It is rare to see the name of a specific Wraith on any posted list despite the fact they are comely beasts and make friends easily. People simply forget to mention them without knowing why. They are non-conformist and solitary but may be drawn into the company of others if glasses of Drambuie are left out as bait. In warmer climates beer has been known to offer good results.

The Wraith is generally friendly and unassuming so they can play the part of the Devil’s Advocate and rarely offend anyone. It is almost impossible to provoke the Eclectic Wraith to wanton displays of anger. When provoked the Wraith is a dangerous beast indeed.

They are rarely at a loss for words and will often poke fun at themselves before making fun of anyone else. One can never know when or where one might show up.

I’ve not seen too many Eclectic Wraiths around but would like to see more despite the fact I happen to know they dislike Drambuie and tend to be closet egotists.

Hint of #7 #8 # 11 hits close to home as did #12
then again so did #18 and #20 as well as #23, if you go in a flirty way…
(I’m working on that though) Definately #24…“Preview…huh???”

Does this make me one of those wraithe thingies???
[sub]Help me I am pathetic and I know it, still don’t care much for Drambuie though[/sub]

It seems to me we’re forgetting a particular genus of Doper…

It seems to me we’re forgetting a particular genus of Doper…
:slight_smile:

Dr. Pap, you made my morning. I’ve been avoiding the boards because server crawl is driving me bats, but what a treat to find this.

Green Bean, I wanted to high five you when I saw your addition.

I’m definitely a Performance Artist/Hijacker Hybrid. With a little Hit And Run thrown in.

I can think of a few more categories, but I don’t have two creative brains cells to rub together this week (dissertation woes! Ugh!) so I couldn’t hope to match the hilarity/aptness precedents set by the rest of you.

I’m a cross between a lurker and a hit and run. I rarely post, and when I do, I rarely check back for replies.

I mostly hang out in IMHO and GQ though.

After some thought, I’ve decided I am the Genius type:

Mind you, I’m not saying that I AM a genius, but that this type seems to most closely fit me. The main reason I come to the SDMB is for the fun of replying to queries using arcane knowledge from the depths of my memory and experience. It’s not to show off or anything – it’s the challenge. (although I must admit I know nothing of Babylonian chamber pots or hemmorhoids. I incline more to the physics-bad movies-history and myth nexus)

Doc,

The correlation between the appearance of Wraiths and the presence of Drambuie has been been observed many times by myself in a number of field studies. Setting out Drambuie for a Wraith could be likened to throwing chum into the water when fishing for sharks, they simply cannot resist this bait. Perhaps you have been observing too small a sample group to make an informed hypothesis or you have discovered a local sub species of the order indiginous to your own area.

You pointed out that they have a tendency to be closeted egoists and my ongoing observations would support this as well.

Tequila could almost fall into the spectrum of the Wraith if it wasn’t for her tendency towards flirtiness and exhibitionism and a stated dislike of Drambuie.

Whenever someone compiles all this research and writes “The Origin of Doper Species” I can safely say we will find that there as many species as there are Dopers. I believe that this will be due to the fact that The Doper is not normally a migratory animal and each has evolved its own unique set of adaptations to survive in its own particular environment.

It would be interesting to see what the offspring of partnered Dopers are like to determine what characteristics are dominant.

ok…I can do this I know

Species: The Post Padder
Synonym: I can type
Geography: All Forums
Mating call: I can type, therefore I am
Habits: Will post to any thread, usually adding nothing to the thread, thinks that if there is a high post count under their name it validates them. Will post even more if someone does acknowledge them.
Sample thread: “I Just Fed My Dog,” “I Just Hit _____ Posts, Time to Party”
Advantage: Giving other posters a view of why we fight ignorance on SD. They tend to knock each other’s threads off the page, saving us from having to keep viewing the thread title.
Disadvantage: Has no idea why other dopers ignore them. Slows the board down so that people are irritated by the length of time it takes for the board to load.
Bonus: Makes everyone else look smart.
Warning: Self-denial. Will not admit that their posts are a total waste of words.

Heh heh. I’ve been alot of these at times, but I’m mostly a combination of “The Expert” and “The Schizoid.”

The SockPuppet

Synonym: Parrot
Geography: GQ, GD, The Pit
Habit: Mimics the arguments and positions of other Dopers, but never makes a substantive contribution to any discussion.
Mating call: “Me, too!”
Sample thread: None. They never start their own threads.
Advantages: Their support can be comforting, if they’re on your side.
Disadvantages: Slows down the message boards, causes more interesting threads to be bumped off the first page.

The Double-poster

Synonym: Oops, Idiot, Chagrinned
Geography: All forums
Habit: Tires of waiting for page to load, hits “Submit Reply” again; also: Not sure if first attempt wa successful so re-submits…just to be sure; also: purely accidental
Mating call: “Sorry 'bout that” or “Damn, my bad”
Sample thread: Rare double thread starters
Advantages: They sometimes provide comic relief
Disadvantages: They make the thread longer without saying anything new
Bonus: Invariably similar to Guaderes Law

Species # ooh a whole bunch

The Killjoy

Geography: omnipresent
Habits: can’t recognize sarcasm, asks for cites for things that are obviously invented, asks mods to move threads
Sample thread:“Prove to me pregnancy takes 9 million cals”
Advantages: yells in satisfying manner when applying pain
Disadvantages: hard to apply pain over the Internet
Disclaimer: Not a direct descendant of Brainy Smurf since he was sterile and had no chance with Smurfette anyhoo.

The Popular Guy

Synonym: Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Good Buddy
Geography: Mostly MPSIMS, but visits other threads
Habits: Seems to say the right thing at the right time.
Mating Call: “Putz!”
Sample thread: What I found in my laundry
Advantages: Good timing, good writer, brightens threads
Disadvantages: Vulnerable god-like status
Caveat: Here today, gone tomorrow… [moment of silence]

The Shape Shifter

Synonym: Slippery Soap, Weasel
Geography: GD
Habits: Reforms his arguments as they proceed.
Mating Call: “That’s not what I meant!”
Sample thread: The Nature of Evil
Advantages: Makes you think, hones your debating skills
Disadvantages: His threads drone on never-ending
Caveat: When he can’t slide out, he disappears.

The Nit Picker

Synonym: The I-dotter, The T-crosser, The Grammarian
Geography: Mostly GQ
Habits: Points out misspellings, less than perfect word choices.
Mating Call: “That’s speed, not acceleration.”
Sample thread: Never starts threads (too afraid to leave a permanent goof in nonpreviewable title)
Advantages: Keeps things honest, cleans up the details
Disadvantages: Gets on your nerves
Caveat: Will call you a nit-picker if you point out his mistakes.

The Nanny

Synonym: The Buttinsky, The Overlord
Geography: Starts mostly in GD or IMHO, ends up in the Pit
Habits: Jumps into discussion to complain, cajole, or pile on.
Mating Call: “I’m not a moderator, but…”
Sample thread: Why So-and-so Is Wrong
Advantages: Makes good fodder for Pit lovers
Disadvantages: Rains on everybody’s parade.
Caveat: Hope that he doesn’t take your side.

The Bitch

Synonym: The Cunt, The Dick, The Angry Atheist
Geography: The Pit, sometimes infiltrates GD
Habits: Posts in sudden inexplicably angry outbursts.
Mating Call: “Fuck you!”
Sample thread: The Christian God is a Moron
Advantages: Elevates adrenaline
Disadvantages: Elevates blood pressure
Caveat: Usually burns up like flash paper…

The Lazy Poster

Synonym: Searchless, Clueless, Akimbo Nimbo
Geography: Mostly GQ, but also GD sometimes
Habits: Asks questions or starts debates that are ongoing or already settled to death.
Mating Call: “I can’t search with my software.”
Sample thread: What Causes Piss Shiver?
Advantages: None
Disadvantages: Slows board speed, wastes space
Caveat: Don’t bother linking him to other thread. He’ll get huffy.

The Drunk

Synonym: The Late Night Poster, The Morning After Poster
Geography: Meant to be in MPSIMS, but posted in ATMB
Habits: Belches as he types. Sometimes vomits.
Mating Call: “I’m not a damn yankee!”
Sample thread: Hey!! Whuzzuuuuuuuuppppp!!!
Advantages: Mildly entertaining sometimes.
Disadvantages: Very irritating at other times.
Caveat: Like a troll, feed him at your own risk. He can turn on ya pretty quick.

The Goofy Adolescent

Synonym: The Pesky Kid, The Pathetic Loser
Geography: Oddly, crops up mostly in GD or GQ
Habits: Writes incomprehensible or infantile drivel
Mating Call: “hay lades, i ready to roock an role!”
Sample thread: god sukcs
Advantages: Fun to gang bang and tease.
Disadvantages: Can become a nightmare for the moderators.
Caveat: Might be middle aged.

The Double-poster

Synonym: Oops, Idiot, Chagrinned
Geography: All forums
Habit: Tires of waiting for page to load, hits “Submit Reply” again; also: Not sure if first attempt wa successful so re-submits…just to be sure; also: purely accidental
Mating call: “Sorry 'bout that” or “Damn, my bad”
Sample thread: Rare double thread starters
Advantages: They sometimes provide comic relief
Disadvantages: They make the thread longer without saying anything new
Bonus: Invariably similar to Guaderes Law

Wow. From best thread since invisible nylon to dead. In one day? Is this a record of some sort?