I live about 2,000 miles from where I grew up but I have always had very good female friends no matter where I lived. I don’t relate to other males that much. I also have two young daughters. I joined Facebook a few months ago and got deluged with activity from lots of people but especially females that I haven’t seen since I was 18 years old and left for college far away (I am 36 now). I write to them even though I will not even see them face to face in the near future at all.
Here are two posts from tonight:
“Brett is in the shower now, so I hopped on the computer. I just don’t want him to see me typing. Send me another email address, so that I can write you from work.”
“I always adored you. When my husband is at work, you can call me we can talk in a lot more detail.”
Those are two examples out of many 30-something females over the last few months. I am not sure what to make of it. They have kids and houses and are upper-middle class but still seem very desperate.
I am never going to see these people again except at a high-school reunion. I didn’t ever say anything other than the most generic, innocent compliments possible.
:eek: Whoa. I don’t know, but if they’re writing you stuff like that, I think you might want to say something like “I’m flattered, but you’re married and I’m not comfortable with this.” And then unfriend them.
That seems like the prudent thing to do but I am a really a good male friend to lots of females. I really do like them and I just want to know them again. Maybe that is just an unusual male trait but it comes naturally to me. I was raised by my mother so maybe that has something to do with it. I don’t really discriminate at all based on sex and my ex-wife and I never had had problem with doing things with opposite sex friends on our own and it never caused any problems. I am seeing that is a problem for lots of 30 something Southern girls now and I can’t wrap my mind about why that is. I admit that I have pissed off a few husbands in my time but I never laid a single hand on any of their wives and never would. They were just people that I liked and I just talked to them as I would like anyone else.
I am just getting flooded by interesting commentary and I don’t know what it means.
They want your hot manmeat. Their fat, overweight, berr bellied, balding career-obsessed husbands don’t want to pork them anymore.
Go in for the kill, but first, make them post a photo with today’s newspaper, make sure they aren’t tubbies in Soccer Mom jeans bullshitting you with photo from when they were 22. There might be a reason their husbands don’t want them.
It is not just one or two. It is a whole lot of them, basically every single girl I ever wanted in high school and college and then some. They wouldn’t give me the time of day then but now some of them write me several times a day. All I did was tell them how great their family pictures looked and something that I always appreciated about them. Now I get some very strange and flattering comments and I don’t know why so hence the question. I couldn’t flirt with anyone if I you offered me a $100 bill and a voucher to buy a fat chick a free steak and lobster dinner if I had to. I can’t understand why they want to chat with me every day and even call me if they know I won’t even see them. There has to be something else going on in suburban America.
As a WAG it could be age (you said they were all in their 30s). Maybe they realize their fertile years are coming to an end and want to get pregnant one more time. Supposedly, according to some anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists, women prefer to get pregnant by more than one man since the genetic diversity is better for offspring survival. Maybe they are all desperately looking for one last fling with someone different before menopause hits.
These are all southern women? I wonder if that has a role to play in it. No new England women are doing this to you?
On another note, I used to be really socially awkward several years ago. But I don’t think you were ever contemptuous, condescending or rude to me because of it Shagnasty. So thank you.
Thanks Wesley Clark. I always liked you. You are one of the also one of the most matured and intelligent Dopers in my mind based on what I have read recently. I mean that very seriously but it also something similar to a compliment I would give to them and the response is very strong and odd.
I stay away from New England women in general except for my ex-wife, her family, and my daughters. You have to be wary of anyone within driving distance.
I would be wondering if they are married to the stereotypical guy who cant discuss anything other than beer, pizza and sports if their lives depended on it … and barely converse with the wife because the wife doesnt discuss beer pizza and the patriots score from last night … and here you come talking about something other than beer pizza and the dodgers.
never underestimate the power of nice and able to converse intelligently in something other than grunts for beer.
The replies don’t mean they are on the make. Some people are married to possessive people that will not tolerate any activity that isn’t about serving them. They want their spouse isolated with no friends. I’m not saying you won’t get affair offers, but don’t assume that’s it.
As for why they want to talk to you daily, they may lead a boring life.
Shagnasty, I don’t have the foggiest clue what’s up with your particular “friends” (for lack of a better term) but what’s up with you, that you immediately extrapolate this to all 30-something females, and then, immediately after that, all of suburban America?
Generalize much?
Anyway, for what it’s worth, my Facebook list consists of roughly equal parts A) people I care about who have moved far away, and B) people from way back in high school who, quite frankly, I don’t give a shit about.
There’s something about Facebook that makes some people feel the need to quasi-reconnect with people from their past, but in only the most superficial way. I’m not sending these people compliments, not even the most generic or innocent ones - I just accept their friend request and, most of the time, simply never hear from them again. We just populate each others’ friend list.
Having a house doesn’t insulate someone from being desperate. Being upper-middle class doesn’t shield someone from feeling desperate. Having kids DEFINITELY doesn’t protect someone from desperation.
Make it politely but firmly clear that you’re not comfortable with what they’re writing/asking of you (unless you are! in which case, uh, good luck and have fun!) and quietly un-friend them to remove all possibility of unnecessary drama.
Unless, of course, you are looking to invite unnecessary drama into your life. Are you?
It’s always come naturally to me, as well, and I’ve always had lots of feamle friends. However, I make it a point to be on good terms with their spouses, too. If one of them were to say to me “I always adored you. When my husband is at work, you can call me we can talk in a lot more detail,” I’d see red flags pop up all over the place.
Just understand that you’re a rare bird (not so much on the SDMB, but in society proper). A lot of people just don’t believe that people like you really think the way you say you do. They are as perplexed by you as you are by them. The sky is different colors in the two worlds.
You’re describing “the road not taken, but now reconsidered” phenomenon. The question some of these women may be asking themselves is “why didn’t I end up with Shagnasty? Where did I go wrong?”
It’s not necessarily focused on you, either. These women may be communicating with other guys from the past, and wondering the same kinds of things.
Can you give an example? Because as innocent as it might seem to you, I could see how a comment like “You look fantastic in your photos. I always loved your smile and appreciated how nice you were to me in English class” might be construed as “I’ve always had a crush on you,” especially if it’s someone who doesn’t receive compliments very much.
And no, not all 30-something females are like that.
Shagnasty, may I just say with all the good intentions in the world that I’ve never read a thing from you that suggests that you actually like women as people, aside from your assertions that it’s true.
Generally, someone who actually likes women as people, you know, views them as unique individuals, would not come to the conclusion that an entire generation of them are unhappy and desperate and unable to resist your awesomeness.