The answer I always had to that was stiff dicks and airplanes
Whenever I drive past a field that has hay in it, I point out the window and say, “Hey!” The first time he heard me do that, my stepson laughed his head off. Now he thinks I’m just an idiot.
Ah, fatherhood.
Kidneys, man. Kidneys.
The golf gun joke 
I have to strap on my lollerskates every. single. time. The girlfriend is not amused.
After someone makes a bad-memory related comment:
Me: Well, they say that the memory is the second thing to go.
Them: What’s the first thing?
Me: I forget.
They say that 40% of Americans have a problem with basic math. So out of 100 people, uhhh…
“gracias!”
“YOU have a grassy ass!”
or
(mention of any random thing)
YOU’RE a (random thing)
YOUR MOM’S a (random thing)
YOUR DOG’S a… etc. etc.
works best when doing things with my best friend and her family because her mom’s often sitting right there.
or “oh my God!”
“… yes?”
Anytime someone makes a comment about their hearing, or some other hearing related remark…
Them: random remark…
Me: What?
Them: repeats remark…
Me: What?
Repeat until they catch on and throw something at you.
"Chili today, hot tamale!!!"
My kids still think of me when they see a hayfield. 
I also have been the go-to guy for car problems. Every time that someone mentions that their car is making a funny sound, I ask what it sounds like. If they mimic it, I ask a few questions, then ask them what it sounds like again. I have never been able to get someone to make the sound five times in a row, but I try…
Me: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Victim: Repeat
Me: Pete and Repeat were in a boat…
I used to be able to say “the price of gas.” I’m sure that in the fullness of time, I’ll be able to use the line again. For now, I can certainly live with not beng able to.
Grown Offspring: “Give me a hand.”
Me: claps wildly
Just giving their eyes the rolling exercise is worth it. I usually help after, so they put up with it. Sometimes I hear: “What’s your problem, Mom?”, “Your problems are not small ones”, or (my favoite) “You’re an odd little duck.”
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
Someone wants me to help them with something so they say “can you give me a hand?”
I say sure… and applaud.
Zer vere zwei peanuts valking down ze strasse. One was a salted…
…peanut.
Just thought of another old standby:
When someone asks me “What’s new?”, I’ll reply, “The past tense of snow.”
Them: Whatcha up to?
Me: 5’3"
On the return of a friend:
Me: Oh, you’re back.
Them: Yeah.
Me: Oh nevermind, that’s your front.
And any, I repeat, any fart jokes. Must be some kind of kink in my chain, but fart jokes set me off. And God forbid you should fart anywhere near me, I’ll be strangling with laughter. And it lasts a very, very long time.
Well, maybe you’d be happier driving the WHAAAAmbulance…
Anybody: can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.
whenever anybody, anywhere, apropo of anything asks if there are any questions,
I think, and often say: what’s the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Immediately after one of mine or anyone elses lame jokes, I’ll say, ‘no matter how many times he/she/it hears that joke it’s still funny as hell.’
Oh, and in my profession there are many opportunities to say
‘I thought it was mucus, but it’snot.’
…and,
‘pt has a broken humerus’
Me: ‘that’s not funny.’
Man, I’m rolling just contemplating my evil