Pull my finger.
When anyone asks me to “make up” something i.e. a bed, a batch of noodles, etc. : “why make it up when you can tell the truth?”
Upon leaving: “don’t be square, see ya around!”
“If your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re upsidedown”.
“Why wash your hair with shampoo when you could use realpoo instead? Because then you’d have a doo-doo 'do.”
I’m giggling, too. Partly because I love that joke, partly because I think it’s so silly that I love that joke, and partly because you love that joke.
“Well, at least we didn’t get fired.”
“You’re right, that’s the least.”
“That’s what she said” and “The terrorists have already won” never get old for me, mainly because they are so versatile in application.
Train of thought derailed, hundreds injured.
When someone asks, “Did you get a haircut?”
And I reply, “No, I got them all cut.”
Every joke ever made on “Get Smart”
Me: “Pete and Repeat climb up a tree. Pete falls out. Who was left?”
Them: “Repeat.”
Me: “Pete and Repeat climb up a tree. Pete falls out. Who was left?”
Them: “Repeat!”
Me: “Pete and Repeat climb up a tree. Pete falls out. Who was left?”
Them: “Repeat!!”
Me: “Pete and Repeat climb up a tree…”
[continues ad infinitum until the person walks away or hits me in the face.]
Especially if the dog does it.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night when my husband and I are lying in bed, he’ll cut a fart. I control myself, because it was just a funny little noise, we’re all adults here right? I lie there concentrating on being mature, thinking about work or taxes or something, but eventually I remember the fart and the bed shakes with my silent laughter. Then he wakes up and wants to know what’s going on and what am I supposed to say? “That fart you cut twenty minutes ago”?
Guy says to me “look at that building”.
“That’s not a building, that’s a cloud.”
Guy says “down a bit”.
(That cracks me up.)
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Duck goes into drug store. I want to buy a chapstick.
OK will that be cash or charge.
Neither one, just put it on my bill.
I have also been annoying one of my coworkers with the following:
“Did you research those suppliers? Which one did you decide on?”
- “YouDoo”.
“No, you did the research not me… What are they called again?”
- “YouDoo.”
“Don’t tell me what to do. I want you to call them.”
- “YouDoo?”
“No, you do.”
- “Jiiiiiiiiim!!!”
Etc.
Hahahaha. I’m such a cool manager.
Weather report: fair today.
Circus tomorrow.
I love to pull that one when I’m at the rescue station. Oddly enough, it’s usually a whoosh.
Me: There was a whole lot of snew in that.
Them: What’s snew?
Me. Not much, what’s snew with you?
Me: I was out the other day, and I saw the biggest henway I ever saw!
Them: What’s a henway?
Me: About three or four pounds.
And the classic:
Me: I’m starving.
Helen: I’m Helen.
Me: I’d rather be starving.
I love using “you’re mom” when it doesn’t make any sense. The less sense, the better.
Friend: I like pancakes.
Me: Just like your mom!
Friend: 
I still laugh in a mean sort of way when obnoxious people fall for ‘no soap radio’.
Anytime some one uses the word ‘surely’, you must respond with ‘Don’t call me Shirley’.
If I fart anywhere near you, it won’t be laughter that’s strangling you. And it lasts a very, very long time.