Me: It’s drivin’ me nuts!
I like mixing up those old cliches:
*I’m going to put an egg in my shoe and leave
I’m gonna make like a tree and get the flock out of here
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Is the Bear Catholic?*
A friend of mine likes to randomly start conversations with “So the second time I had crabs…”
how?!?!?!?!?!
I must know!!!
Don’t hold me in suspense any longer!!!
My all-time fave joke: Two hydrogen molecules walk into a bar. One says to the other, “Hey, I’ve lost my electron!” The second one says, “Are you sure?” The first one replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
My grandmother used to turn just about anything into a pseudonym for “kick” if she was tired of listening to us grandkids complain. As in:
Me: Grandma, I’m bored.
Grandma: I’ll board you one, right in the arse!
Me: Can I have a cookie?
Grandma: I’ll cookie you one, right in the arse!
And so on. I use this gag constantly. The more incongruous the substituted word, the better.
And without question all farts, or fart-related humor, are universally funny. 
Other person: Let’s do such-and-such.
Me: Let’s don’t, and say we did! Ha ha ha ha!
And now I’m going to make like a tree and leave.
I have just two words for you. Shut. The fuck. Up.
Did you know that the word “gullible” does not appear in the dictionary?
Boulder? I hardly even know her!
I say, “Your Momma” to my kids if they say something smarty.
It’s hilarious to me!
If someone starts of with a “Soooo…”
I follow quickly, matter-of-factly (even "Dragnet-like)
“… a needle pulling thread.”
Daughter: “Daddy, I’m hungry”
Me: “Hi, hungry, I’m Daddy”
… now just ticks them (3 and 5) off. I still giggle. Doesn’t help.
Me: That’s life.
Co-conspirator: What’s life?
M: A magazine.
C: How much does it cost?
M: 25¢
C: Rats. I only have a dime.
M: That’s life.
C: What’s life?
M: A magazine.
C: How much does it cost?
M: 50¢
C: Rats. I only have a quarter.
M: That’s life.
C: What’s life?
M: A magazine.
C: How much does it cost?
M: $1.00
C: Rats. I only have 50¢.
M: That’s life.
etc.
Guy walks into a bar and DAMN that hurts.
Quasimodo, the hunchback bell-ringer of Notre Dame, was ready to retire. He put an ad in the newspaper for his replacement. Only one person responded, but he had no arms. Quasi said, “How are you going to ring the bell without arms?”
The man said, “Give me a chance. I can do this.” He walked back ten feet and ran toward the bell face-first.
To Quasi’s surprise, it rang. “I’m impressed,” he said, “but it’s not quite loud enough.”
The man said, “Let me try again.”
He stepped back twenty feet and again ran face-first into the bell, but this time he missed the bell and ran off the edge of the Notre Dame tower, falling to his death on the ground below. Just as that happened, a police officer was passing by. He looked up at Quasi and said, “Quasi, do you know who this guy is?”
Quasi replied, “I didn’t catch his name, but his face sure does ring a bell!”
The next day, the dead guy’s brother shows up. He has arms, but he’s not very smart. After about 3 minutes of messing with the bells, he manages to fall off the tower as well. Two nuns walking past stop and look at the body. One says, “Sister, have you ever seen this man before?”
And the other says, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo!”.
Double-barreled pun. I love it.
DiMaggio?
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
The proper response is “The sky, the ceiling and how you feeling?”
Cliche joke that never gets old would have to be “orange you glad to see me” (I have an orange shirt that I’ll wear occasionally).
Any pun, for that matter, is great.
Any time someone stumbles…
“Have a nice trip, see you next fall!”
And one borrowed from South Park that I’ve successfully used several times…
“When you’re at the store, can you pick me up a buttfer?”
“What’s a buttfer?”
“For pooping, silly!” laughter ensues
Here in the rural byways, my family uses this running joke…
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To prove to the possum it could be done!” …usually after seeing the inevitable squished rat-thing in the road.
Interrupting Cow is a classic. I love that one.
I go to college. Some students spend semesters in other countries. If they are female and tell me that they’re going to spend a semester abroad, I say “Aren’t you doing that now?”
“If I could walk THAT way I wouldn’t NEED the aftershave”