“I’m serious” or anything that starts with “I’m…”
followed by a “Hi Serious, im Dob”
When one of my girls yells “Mommy?” across the house, I invariably respond “No, I’m Daddy. I’m the one with the beard.”
“What time is it?”
“Time for you to get a watch!”
“Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re really making headlines!”
“Now why don’t you make like a tree…and get out of here.”
Anyone says to me “How much [stuff] do you want?” hears “Oh, better get me a lotta [stuff]. A whooooole lotta [stuff.]” Then I laugh maniacally. Pete Puma will never stop being funny.
I got to say it a few days ago, in fact, while the two of us were making soup. Made my evening.
Old bar joke:
“I’m too drunk to drive home. Call me a cab!”
“OK. You’re a cab.”
“My mother made me a homosexual.”
“If I gave her the cloth, would she make me one, too?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald m’gum!
:D:p:D:p:D Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Love it every time.
Walking into a place of business where you are surrounded by the same thing and asking if they sell it.
Walk into TV mart and when asked “Can I help you” asking “Do you sell TV’S?”
Never gets old…always funny 
I’m sure my wife and daughter would agree.
Or related, walking into a store like “Just Silver” and ask to see gold necklaces.
Like I said…always funny…never gets old.
Do you need a hand?
Yes
::clap clap clap
cracks me up every time.
Yes! The spouse loves to tell this one, and it always makes me chuckle.
I also like “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
and…(for you WoW fans out there):
An orc walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: Where’d you get that?
Parrot: Durotar. They got 'em all over the place.
and this one, also from WoW:
“So, I have this idea for a great movie. It’s about two gnomes who find a bracelet of power, and they have to take it to the Burning Steppes and cast it into the Cauldron. They form the Brotherhood of the Bracelet. Along the way they’re trailed by a murloc named Gottom, who’s obsessed with the bracelet, and nine bracelet bogeymen. It could be a three-parter, called ‘Ruler of the Bracelet’. The first part would be called ‘The Brotherhood of the Bracelet’, followed by ‘A Couple of Towers’, with the climactic ending called ‘Hey, the King’s Back!’”
(all it takes now is for me or the spouse to say “Hey! The King’s back!” to make us both giggle)
The one that is always used in our office, and has for years, was one of the “your mother” lines.
“Dude, you’re such a blank”
“You’re Mother’s a blank”
And so on for just about any situation.
And I mean any.
It got to the point that it was being used for situations where no insult was originally intended.
“Dude! Great job on that liquid cooling system!”
“You’re mother’s a liquid cooling system.”
Heh, reminds me of another stupid joke :
Two eggs are on a frying pan. First egg says to the other : “It’s getting really hot in here, don’t you think ?”. Second egg replies : “OMG ! A talking egg !”
What can I say ? I like metajokes.
Is that what you kids are calling it these days?
“You’re a kitty!” said to greet any cat (from xkcd)
My favorite mixed metaphors are
“We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it” and
“That train has sailed.”
Q. Why did the jelly roll?
A. Because it saw the apple turnover! 
Gets me every time!
Anytime I pass a field with round bales of hay I would say I thought they outlawed those,
the cows weren’t getting a square meal
Ha… Haha… Hahahahaha… dies
Every now and then there are times when I say something that inadvertantly rhymes.
I usually follow it with, “Ha! I’m a poet and I don’t realize it.”
It’s just funnier to me when it doesn’t rhyme.
“You’re something else!”
“What else am I?”
“You’re such a card!”
“I suppose that means I need to be dealt with.”
Farts crack me up, too. One day, I stood next to my brother and cut a loud fart while clearing my throat to “cover” the sound. My brother responded by doing the same. For the rest of the day, we were doing that. Years later, I saw Family Guy do that same gag. Hilarious.
One time when I was visiting home from college, I let one rip in the living room and my mom said, “If you’re going to do that, at least go into the bathroom!” About an hour later, I sprung up from my chair and ran to the bathroom. I farted as loud as I could in the bathroom. I could hear my brother laughing in the living room.
Jesus saves (and takes half damage.)
or its variant :
Jesus saves, passes to Moses, GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL !
Honey? is that you? When did you join the dope?
When something is described, responding with “Just how I like my coffee.” The more outlandish, the better.
A: What’s like outside?
B: Dark and cold.
A: Just how I like my coffee.
A: So how’d you like the movie?
B: It was short, with lots of explosions.
A: Just how I like my coffee
A: Fixed the computer yet?
B: It’s still in bits all over the table.
A: Just how I like my coffee!
It’s funnier for people that know me, cos I don’t drink coffee!
For the 3 people out there not familiar with the antecedents of this, a hard-boiled detective novel cliché would go along the lines of “The dame was sweet and dark, just how I like my coffee.”