Darn you straight to heck! Now I can’t stop laughing.
My mom used to say, “You’re a poet and you don’t know it. But your feet show it: they’re longfellows.”
“Your mom” and “That’s what she said” will never get old. Sorta like your mom. Zing!
Whenever someone says “Grassy-ass” for “gracias” I reply with “Nope, just hairy.”
Any and all quotes from Fletch, Blazing Saddles, The Naked Gun and Caddyshack.
I have a demented friend who likes to say, “I like my women like I like my coffee…ground up and in the freezer.”
And “your mom” jokes rarely get old, especially when they make very little sense.
“Hey, I got a joke!..The New York Times.”
“…I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I; I get the Daily News!” (Or whatever the local fishwrap is.)
“For me to poop on…”
I’ll say, “That’s a great phone (pause) for me to poop on.”
“Does your dog bite?”
But only when Peter Sellers does it. Gets me everytime.
Zat iss nut my dug.
Oh yes.
Sooo…this three legged dog walks into a bar. He hops up on the bar and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Sooo…this horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him ans says “Why the long face?”
Sooo…this termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”
Sooo…this piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says “We don’t serve your kind in here.” The piece of string goes back out side, twists himself up, messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender says “Didn’t I tell you we don’t serve your kind in here?”
The piece of string says “I’m afraid knot.”
Punny very punny.
Not quite so old as some of the jokes thrown about here, but “o rly?” “ya rly” never gets tired for me. I’m not even sure I know why it’s supposed to be funny, but it makes me giggle. I’m a sucker in general for overused internet jokes.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
Do you like Kipling? I don’t know, I’ve never kippled.
It was the least I could do - and I never want it said I didn’t do the least I could do.
That’s a priceless work of art!
Not any more.
“Give me a hand.”
“But that would leave me with one!”
I heard it as two muffins baking in the oven, but otherwise the same joke. It’s particularly amusing to tell it to someone who’s had a few drinks and watch them crack up, then try to figure out why it’s funny.
Them: “You know what?”
Me: “Never met him.”
Them: ??? “Aaannnyyway…”
Them: “Guess what.”
Me: “Chicken butt.”
Them: :rolleyes:
Me: 
Sooo…a grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Melvin?”
What’s 1+1?
So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They proceed to get totally wasted and the giraffe falls over and passes out. The man gets up to leave and the bartender says “Hey, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” The man says [use drunken voice] “That’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe!”
always good for a collective groan from the audience