Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!
That’s what she said!
Any time I see someone wearing camouflage, I’ve got to suppress the urge to say “sorry, buddy, didn’t see you!”
My FIL seems to know 90% of these and can’t ever leave without saying something like:
See you in the future, not the pasture.
See you in church if the windows are clean.
or
If someone says, “See you later” he will say,
“Not if I see you first”.
My standard reply to old jokes is another old joke, “The last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell of my dinosaur.”
My friends and I shortened it to “orly?” 'Yarly!"
It usually appears like that on pictures.
(Oh, and to clarify, we pronounce it like or and yar being turned into adverbs).
Sooo… a polar bear walks into a bar and says "Hey, barkeep, get me some gin…
and tonic!"
The barkeep says “woah, what’s with the big pause?”
The polar bear replies “I don’t know, I’ve had them all my life.”
Obviously it works a little better spoken, even better if you tell the first half and then finish it later in the conversation or the next day. Nothing better than walking up to your friend a week later after they’ve forgotten about it and just going “and tonic!” then finishing the joke and watching their reaction.
And then I said “Sorry love but I couldn’t take another 68 of those…”
Another one of my faves (which I stole from a “The Empire Strikes Back” parody in Cracked Magazine waaaaay back in the day) which I really can’t resist using and then laughing out loud at is when someone asks me if I’d like to join them. And I say, “Why, are you falling apart?” Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! 
My favourite - time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Jumper? You brought her - YOU jump her!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your door step? Mat.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs under your car? Jack.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hot tub? Stu.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a grill? Frank.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole? Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a beach? Sandy.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Same guy after six months? Pete.
Plenty more, those were the one’s I could think of…
…in a lion’s cage? Claude.
…with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
Couple more I remembered:
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
and
“No shit? Well, hardly any.” (I’ve forgotten the joke for this one, but the punch line never fails to get a chuckle around our house).
Just today I had this particular exchange;
Me: So why did you pick up fish and chips at Burgerville?
SWMBO: Oh I don’t know, I didn’t feel like burgers.
Me: Ah, so just for the halibut? hee hee hee hee hee
SWMBO: I should have expected that by now.
Me: hee hee hee hee hee
I can’t believe *this * one didn’t make the list:
“Do you smoke after making love?”
“Don’t know. I never looked.”
Q
“10,000 BC called and they want their joke back.”
That’s one I was going to say.
I also love:
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Soak it in gasoline then hit it with a match… WOOF!
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer then run it through a table saw… MROOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!
What’s red and sits in the corner?
a baby chewing on razor blades.
What’s blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.
What’s green and sits in the corner?
The same baby a month later.
When I see a mother-to-be talking about her baby, or a new mom showing off the new baby, I like to ask, as seriously possible, “Are you sure it’s yours?”
Dead baby jokes never get old.
What’s worse than a dead baby in a dumpster ?
A dead baby in a dozen dumpsters.
Person who will soon regret asking me: What time is it?
Me: Right now?
I accidentally a coca-cola bottle, is this bad?
Accidentally what?
A coca-cola bottle.
What’s easier to unload, a truck full of bricks or a truck full of babies? Babies. You can’t spear bricks with pitchforks.
Guy calls his office and tells his boss he’s going to be late, as he has a flat. Boss asks what happened. Guy says, “I ran over a bottle, and it broke just right to cut into the tire.”
Boss responds, “Ran over a bottle?! Didn’t you see it?”
“No, little bastard had it in his jacket.”
Of course, the following is the king of dead-baby gross-out jokes:
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I don’t cum all over an apple before I eat it!
Never fails to elicit a shudder~
Other things I do are the reverse-shoulder tap, I’m (name) instead of (adjective), fart jokes, nonsensical your-moms, that’s what she said, cliched internet memes, Python/Izzard/Seinfeld references, and probably various other things I can’t remember. I already plan on adopting some of the ones in this thread. People upon meeting me either think I’m hilarious or the most annoying person evar.
My personal Favorite:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
-I have no eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
-A still have no eye-deer.