What to do about my (former?) best friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Quick(ish) backstory:

K and I have known each other since high school, almost 8 years now. For a great portion of my teens and 20s we were inseperable. K, along with our other friend A, and I are so close as to have decided to get matching tattoos. About 3 years ago, K started having some serious problems. I am not sure whether she had problems with depression in the past, she always seemed very happy and upbeat, and if she did have any problems outside of normal teen angst, she never mentioned it to me. Nowadays, however, she seems very depressed, withdrawn, and constantly struggling.

It started off with a few pretty horrific incidents. First there was getting raped by an acquaintance. Then, she invited a coworker she’d just met to a party, who brought her mentally unbalanced boyfriend along who got drunk, became violent, and stabbed 3 of the party-goers, including K (everyone’s fine and he’s in prison, thank Og). Shortly thereafter, K decided to move to NY to get away from her problems. She spent 2 miserable years there, became involved with an asshole boyfriend, made very few friends and worked close to 80 hours a week. She got paid shit (on salary, when you averaged it out she made about 5 bucks an hour) and spent most of her off-time smoking pot alone in her room. She eventually moved back home.

But, things are just as bad now that she’s moved back. She finally found an awesome guy who treated her well, but her own doubts and insecurities plagued her and eventually soured the relationship. They’re not together anymore, but still friends. She’s got her own (really awesome) apartment, a car, a good job, she’s started going back to school, and volunteering. Things on the surface seem to be looking up, but she rarely hangs out with her old friends, won’t answer or return phone calls (not even her mother’s), spends all her money on pot, and just doesn’t seem happy.

She won’t talk to me anymore, I only occasionally see her a social functions like her brother’s birthday. Our other friend, A, has given up trying to get in touch with her. A feels the same way that I do, that she’s stuck in a rut and depressed but won’t reach out to anyone.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me worries that K is in big trouble and needs help, the other part wonders if maybe we’re just drifting apart like friends sometimes do. Should I just write her off, let her contact me if she wants to, and say good riddance if she doesn’t? Should I make some effort to be there for her, even if she’s not receptive? I suffer from depression as well, so I know how it is to lock yourself in your apartment and ignore your phone, but even I eventually snap out of it. Help?

2

Lesson #1. You can’t save anyone if they don’t want to be saved.

You’ve reached out to her and been rejected. Don’t confront her or try to force the issue. When you run into her say hello. If she wants to get back in contact she will. If not, refer back to Lesson #1.

3

I think the best you can do at this point is let K know that your door is open and your phone available to her whenever she decides to get her shit together and start living a life again. She hasn’t had anything happen to her that is insurmountable, but she’s busy wallowing right now (the pot and probable self-pity isn’t helping). Maybe she’ll come out of it, maybe she won’t. It sucks to not be able to help someone, but you can’t fix her or her life. She’s got to do it for herself.

I guess she’s about 26 years old - in my experience, people start really getting their heads together in their late twenties, early thirties. Here’s hoping that she manages to do this.

4

Agreed.

5

Very very true.

But in some cases, there is value in telling the person this.
"Look K. I love you. I really do. I wish that I could save you from whatever is going on with you right now. I wish that I could make it all better. But I can’t.

But I miss you and I’d like you to be a part of my life again. Please, be my friend again. Hang out with me, talk to me, anything. Please."
The key thing there is to avoid excessive focus on what is wrong, on HER making changes. Note that I said “I want you to be a part of my life.” State it this way, to let her know that you want and need her, which is more inviting and outwardly focused from her perspective than sounding like you’re trying to intrude on her solitude.

From the perspective of someone who was once lost in deep depression, I know that this is better, because it’s drawing you out with the idea that someone wants and needs you, as opposed to the inward pressure of intrusion that can rebound and cause you to force people away and deepen feelings of guilt and shame.

Just don’t push too hard. Open the door, shine the light of love and friendship, then step back and see if there is a response.

If you don’t get a response, then at least you tried. All you can do after that is be present if something changes.

It might take time. Plant the seed and wait.

6

I don’t think you need to shove yourself in, but don’t give up completely either. If she’s depressed (as it sounds like she is), I think that leaving the opportunity open for her to rekindle your friendship requires more than just saying so and forgetting about it. Maybe an email invitation to an event every month or two would be a good idea, so that when she’s feeling a little better - well enough maybe to accept an invitation but still unlikely to call you up - she has the opportunity.