I once had a girlfriend who swore the following was true, but I always doubted it.
Creepy Guy on Telephone: Guess what I’ve got in my hand.
Old Girlfriend: If you can hold it in one hand, I’m not interested.
I was still in high school and was caught by a prick of a teacher while smoking in the boys room.
Prick of a Teacher: I knew you’d be in here, smoking. I’m not as stupid as I look.
Smart Ass Me: No sir, obviously not.
Principal, trying not to laugh: Two weeks detention.
Went to a nude swimmin’ area a few years back with some friends.
Sez I, to one of the already stripped girls, as I was taking my shorts off- “When you judge, and you will, remember that it’s cold.”
She, looking down, smirking: “It’s not THAT cold.”
Immediately I looked her up and down, and said, “Hmm. Must be the view.”
I was losing a verbal battle with Michael Douglas (the actor) when my last comeback was “You’re a f**king Hack” which at the time made me feel great because it seemed to win the battle.
Shame it was in a dream.
In real life, I never produce perfect comebacks, or if I ever do - I have zero chance of remembering them for those times three years later when someone creates a thread on an internet message board asking what people’s last perfect (or near-perfect) comback was.
I paid up just to join this thread so I have another:
Youngest stepson, Derek, is studying for his driver’s license test. Middle stepson, Shawn, is helping me quiz him, even though Shawn’s expertise was not to be relied on – he had had four traffic accidents in the one year since he got HIS license.
Anyway, we have gone through the whole book and now we are making up driving scenarios to see if Derek knows what to do. I say, “So, you happen upon the scene of an accident. What do you do?”
Without a hitch, Derek says, “I run up to the car and say ‘Shawn, Shawn, are you OK??’”
My fiancé is one of those people who will sometimes ask you questions about a tv show or movie that you are both watching for the first time. Who’s that? Where are they going? etc. When she asks I will usually say something like “How should I know? Did I get here before you?”
So the other day she stayed home and I went to work.
Later that night we’re watching tv and I ask something about the show we were watching. With a look of great satisfaction she turns to me and says “How should I know? Did I get here before you?” to which I quickly replied, “You’ve been here all day!” The look on her face was priceless.
There has been a person at my workplace who has taken office politicking to a new low. He developed some grievance with me and has prevented me from doing my job with any of his people for more than a year. It came to a head yesterday, and when my supervisor threatened to go to management to find out exactly what the problem was, this morning, he got all contrite and later asked if I’d work with his people. I replied: “Yeah, I’ll work with your people, as long as you promise to go stab somebody else’s back for a change. Your insufferable ego and petty office politics bullshit has got very tiresome. i’ve known people who behaved like you. Then they turned nine.”
Reaction: priceless.
This one almost fits into the topic.
My wife, girlfriend at the time, and I were at BW3’s getting some nice hot wings and on the way out of the door, parked in the very first parking spot was this enormous Dodge Ram that had been lifted and giant muddin tires put on it. The truck was just covered with dirt and mud. My wife looks at me, she loves big trucks, and says:
“Do you think they go mudding?”
To which I reply:
“I dont know hun, do you think they go mudding?”
Maybe you just had to be there.
Anyway, another good one, the guys in my office and I work out at lunch 3 days a week. One of the guys constantly gets in trouble for not working and looking at the weather. He has some weird infascination with the weather or something. Anyway, we were sitting at one of the machines, i think it was the row machine and my NCOIC (military term for boss) looks at me and says “where’s (weatherman’s last name)?”
To which I reply in mid-row:
“Checking the weather”
This had me cracking up so much i let go of the machine and broke the bottom plate.
I was hanging out with a few friends up in Santa Rosa one summer. They all went to UC Santa Cruz, so there was a lot of weed going around the room. Me and Dave were sitting on either side of Angela on the couch. We were half-watching some crap show, since no one could be bothered to lift the remote. The credits on the show rolled, and Angela asks, “Is this show over now?”
Somehow, Dave and I, at the same time, with the same inflection, say “No, they’re showing the credits in the middle now.”
Discussion of learning sign language with several coworkers that I’m friends with, plus a new tester, at lunchtime, a few years ago.
Coworker A says, explaining the benefits of learning sign language, “You can just learn enough to be trouble.”
Me to Tester: “I don’t know why I hang out with these troublemakers.”
Tester: “Like him,” pointing at Coworker B.
Coworker A: “You hang out with us because we’re the only ones you can communicate with.” (patently untrue, but acknowledged for form’s and argument’s sake)
Me: “I must be really hard up, then.”
An oldy but a goody:
In the early years of our marriage, Before Kids, Mr. Ujest was down stairs watching a documentary on the North American Porcupine and how the female came into heat for only 15 minutes a year.
I was watching from over the railing, unbeknownst to my husband.
He shouts upstairs, " Hey! What do you have in common with the female North American Porcupine?"
Me, “We both have to deal with alot of little pricks.”
You Had To Be There but** For One Brief Moment, in 1997, I was the Funniest Woman in Germany.**:
We were dining in a restaurant not far from the North Sea with Mr. Ujest’s German relations. The place was a nice sit down joint. We had an entire wall lined with Ujests at our long table.
I order fish, because when you are on vacation in a foreign country, I have always found that ordering fish is more exciting that Russian Roulette.
Some times it is served cold (herring) and sometimes it still has the head on it. And some times it is cooked perfectly, de-headed, but not de-boned. I realized whatever I ordered was loaded with bones with my first mouthful and carefully had to dispose a mouthful of potential death waiting to happen.
Eyeing my fish while poking it with my fork, I muttered about how german cusine was trying to kill me or something and " By the way, sweetheart, do you know how to do the Heimlich?"
Mr Ujest shook his head, " Nah, but we are in a crowded resturant, you’ll be ok. I 'll ask for help."
I dropped my fork and dead panned, " Oh.That’s Perfect. Excuse me, does anyone here know Heimlich? (raising hand meekly, switching to a stoic german accent) Ja, I know Heimlich, what about him?"
We were reduced to tears of laughter over it all. The kind of laughter where we had our heads down on the table, we couldn’t breath and the entire restaurant was staring at as, including zee German relations. Mr. Ujest giggles like a little girl at moments like this and I have a tendancy to snort.
It was a priceless moment. Of which right after we regained our breath, Mr. Ujest took a fortifying inhalation to explain to zee family Vhat Vas Zo Funny. I begged him, " Oh, please don’t, they won’t get it and it will ruin the moment."
He did.
They just collectively went, " Oh."
And I kicked him under the table.
Possibly one of my funniest one liners, naturally, at a funeral.
Then I’ll let someone else take the microphone
Set Up: My cousin’s mother in law died from ovarian cancer. I was a relatively new mom and rather excited to see my cousins again for the first time in quite some time. So, I hit the funeral home to pay respects. After about a microsecond being there, I completely forget why I am there and I am surrounded by my cousins and there is much hilarity and I am the cause of most of the laughter with me being so happy to escape the house.
In the midst of this chaos that is family is my cousins wife, whom I adore. She and I have loads in common (both adopted and clearly insane) and get along perfectly and I suddenly realize Shit, you are in a funeral home cracking jokes… have you no couth?..
I look over at the casket ( about 10 feet away) and I pay a compliment to my cousin’s wife, " Your Mom …wow, she looks really good. That’s a nice dress she has on." I’ve never scrambled before in my life and scored such a direct hit. Note to everyone reading this. Always compliment the corpse. No, really.
My cousin’s wife smiles and says something about how of all their dicussions at The End, they never discussed with Mom what To Wear For The Big Send Off. So, Linda picked out a dress that she made for her mother in high school (20 years earlier) and I faded out on whatever else she said as my mind started humming different lines of thought simutaneously:
She made a dress for her mom in home economics that her mother proudly wore in public. Wow. The kid had talent at a young age.
Her mother could still wear the dress two decades later. Yay Mom for staying in good shape!
and the conversation comes back to me as I verbalize #4 aloud,
“I was thinking about what I’ve made for my mom in the past and I was wondering how’d she feel about being buried (Brings hands up before my boobs.)wearing potholders.”
It brought down the house.
YAY me!
Me and my partner (11 years my senior) were flying to Hawaii for vacation one year, and ordered cocktails on the plane. Of course we were handed a can of mixer and the booze in one of those plastic mini-bottles.
Me, staring at bottle wistfully: “Geez, do you remember when they made these out of glass?”
Partner, sighing: “Oh yeah…”
Me, playfully tossing bottle at her: “I don’t!”
Then again, my partner is pretty sharp herself. She was sitting with cousins at her father’s funeral mass, a man who rather tragically drank himself to death. A cousin says to her “My mom says that he was blessed to have died on Good Friday.” My partner replies “Well, I hope they’re not expecting him to rise on Sunday!”
She tells me that, to her horror, they could NOT stop giggling during the whole mass.
Two from the car:
I’m driving through San Francisco with a friend of mine, and we hit the Tenderloin (home of a lot of strip clubs).
Her (reading a sign): “Miss Nude SF Finals Friday Night.” Hmm. I hope they studied.
Me: They’re probably all having nightmares where they show up for the finals and they haven’t studied, and they look down and realized they’re completely clothed.
And recently, I was driving through the Castro with Miller, and we’re making fun of all the cheesy gay bar names.
Me: “Moby Dick.” That’s a gay bar, right?
Him: Actually, it’s just a metaphor for a gay bar.
Me in the Army, about 10 years ago. I run into Joe. Joe’s carrying an M16. After years of patient waiting, thank Jebus, my time has finally arrived:
“Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?”
Not me, but in total innocence by my Big Boss:
We had a guy working here who was a total pain-in-the-ass. Nobody liked him, including his friends. He was going in for a hemmoroid operation, and the proctologist’s name was Dr. White. It turned out the Big Boss knew a (different) Dr. White.
I’m in BB’s office when the phone rings. Here is the conversation:
BB: Hello, this is such-and-such place.
Dr’s Office: Is PITA there?
BB: No, maybe I can help you.
DR: Just tell him to call Dr. White’s office
BB: Is that Dr. White the veternanian?
I laughed so hard my body was shaking.
I’m good at the hindsight comeback so it’s a rare thing to have a comeback just spring out right when it’s needed. I can still remember this like it was yesterday.
A long time ago, the “thing” to do when I was in high school was to go cruising. Wasting gas, driving up and down the same strip, checking out cars (man, I miss muscle cars…) and the guys, of course. Just hanging out.
One night, my best friend, Karen, and I kept passing this one car and getting snippy comments from the driver. Who knows what her problem was? For whatever reason, she took a dislike to us. Anyway, later in the evening, Karen decides she’s tired of driving so we stop at a traffic light to switch sides. As I’m getting out of the passenger side to walk around behind the car, the snippy girl from earlier pulls up next to us.
“Try using a little more bleach next time,” says she, referring to my hair. I’m a strawberry blonde, never bleached my hair in my life but it apparently wasn’t up to her standards.
“Look, bitch,” I replied, “If my dog had a face as ugly as yours, I’d shave its ass and teach it how to walk backwards.”
She didn’t say a word, just turned straight ahead and waited on the light to change.
Yeah, I know. It’s silly, childish stuff but boy, did it ever feel good. 
My sister and I used that line to insult each other when we were growing up. She’d always remind me at every opportunity that she used it on me first.
We both grew up and had families. When I got a house of my own, I just had to get a dog, so I found a Boxer pup. When the dog was about a year old, it got some kind of growth on the back of it’s thigh that had to come off. Naturally, the vet shaved Sadie’s ass… (it went well, no problems, and the growth was benign)
After she was home from surgery for a couple of days and in good humor, I put a pair of sunglasses on the dog’s back end so the nub of tail looked like a nose and the shaved spot was very evident. I took a picture and sent it to my sister. She knew right away what it was, and was quite amused.
I’ve had my share, one a while ago, and one just moments ago (oddly enough) stick out.
Drunk buddy: Yeah, well at least I don’t sleep with dogs. (referring to the fact that I lived alone, except for my dogs)
Me: “Oh, yes you do” (referring to his then long-time girlfriend, who was, by all accounts less than attractive)
DB’s immediate reaction is to heave his nearly empty beer bottle in the general direction of the comment, which happened to be my face. Seconds later I was spitting out what remained of my front tooth. Minutes later DB was face down in the dirt waiting for his free ride in the police car.
Says me “Yes, you can, but only to 21”
My Dad’s always been intimidated by my Hubby, who was an outstanding student and holds a Ph.D. in molecular biology. Dad has a high IQ as well, but he struggled as a philosophy major and barely finished his B.S.
However, their intellects are entirely different. My father and I love to ramble on existential topics that don’t interest my Hubby in the least. I don’t think he could follow our conversations if he wanted to, which he most definitely does not. But my Dad never realized this. He assumed Hubby never joins in because our middling conversations are beneath his superior intellect.
Once when Dad and I got to chatting about some esoteric theoretical problem or another, he glanced over at my husband, sitting there quietly with a slightly amused smile on his face, and said something to the effect of “Well, no doubt you’ve already figured this out.” To which I replied, “Dad, he’s not thinking about our conversation. He’s daydreaming about beer and pussy.”