Il’d assume they dialed the wrong number, or some other mistake.
I vaguely remember seeing a scene where Eddie Murphy was hosting some sort of awards show (The Oscars?). He basically had the camera guy follow him out the building and he started asking random people if they’d like to announce the next award.
He found a taker and man, was it painful to watch. The guy was so nervous he could barely stand as he was hunched over the podium sweating bullets.
So, No, not interested unless we’re talking crazy amounts of cash.
I’d say “sure.”
Sure, I’ve done emcee duties with all original material before. I could use the exposure and there’s no doubt (well, I have no doubt) I can work a house.
I’m not all that fond of public speaking, I hate getting attention, and I’m pretty sure I’d be awful at it.
I’d say yes in a heartbeat. I’d do it for free, I’d pay my own airfare. For one, it’d be a great story I’d get to tell for the rest of my life. “Wanna hear about the time I hosted the Oscars? No, really.” For two, I’d have a platform to force my bizarre sense of humor on millions of people. I’m not sure what I’d do, exactly, but I guarantee that I would amuse myself.
I have no talent as a singer, dancer or comedian, and the audience would hate every second of it.
But if I were offered an obscene amount of money, sure, I’d take the gig! It’s only a few hours, and if the audience doesn’t like it, they can change the channel and watch something else.
Exactly. You’d come in there and just your ignorance alone would be interpreted by others as you saying ‘who the hell are these self righteous douche bags?’
And that, would be like Ricky Gervais crashing awards presentations, showing up celebrities as the talent less wastes they are.
Oh hell yeah. The chance to be on in front a billion people? How much are they going to charge me?
Really, I’d do it for the exposure it would bring to high school speech/debate programs. Everybody on the planet would be googling me and what I do for a living. With some decent writers and a little rehearsal, I’d kill. No singing, no dancing - just straight-ahead hosting. Tell a couple of jokes, introduce the next segment and get off stage. Spend my time backstage schmoozing with actors who were high school speechies like Brad Pitt.
Pick me, Academy. I’ll do better than Seth, I promise.
“I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number. If by chance you actually mean to be calling (insert my name here), then you are obviously completely fucking insane. Good Day, Sir!” <click>
That would be my question. It would take me six months to write all the material, but I think that I could make it funny, entertaining and clean.
I would simply say, “Never again, after my 1988 debacle.”
$?
Only if the offer included payment of a lifestyle-changing amount of money - as in several million dollars. I would ask for $10 million and go no lower than $7 mil.
Otherwise, no way in hell.
Hell yes.
I have taught Speech classes for years - and yes, such a huge audience would be somewhat of a challenge, but the good news is that I don’t know any of them personally so who gives a damn?!
I would get a great team of writers…prepare lots of stuff in advance, plus keep that team in the back to come up with witty lines as things happen.
I think this is more stressful if you are “in the business”…then you have to worry about insulting someone influential, or screwing up and losing future shows/films etc. or just hurting your career image. But in the words of Janis Joplin the freedom of “…nothin’ left to lose…” as a “nobody” up there would be fun.
I do want a couple of those goody bags, a nice suit, a great suite, and a hefty paycheck.
Same for me. For enough money, I’ll cheerfully make a fool of myself on national/worldwide TV. It wouldn’t have to be life-changing money, but if paid enough to bring my retirement a few years closer, I’d be there.
I can sing, I own my own tux, and I’m considered a fairly funny guy in my circles.
Trouble is, I hate movies.
“I’m afraid I won’t be available… I’m waiting on a call from the Vatican”. 
“Who IS this?”
I’d start writing my monologue on the spot.
“So a guy walks in to a talent agent’s office…”
I’d have to answer with a request - Please supply more details. I’ve never watched an Oscars broacast (or any other music, TV, sports or movie award show, for that matter). I fiogure that award shows for plumbers, electricians and paper pushers would be just as entertaining to watch.
And now the coveted award for “Best use of meetings to get out of real work”. The envelope, please…