At first I was a bit incredulous at this. How the hell can you not know the signs? But in thinking about it, it must be really insidious. Apathy comes on as comfort a lot of times. And anger and depression sometimes come off as just a bad day. It must be really hard to tell the difference sometimes.
It’s true. These kind of distortions just creep up on you, and because you’re inside them, things continue to seem normal for quite a while. It’s kind of like how your eyes can adapt to a wide range of incident light and still perceive it as ‘white’.
Thanks. It’s hard to believe that I will make it through sometimes (like this morning–money and car worries galore! Yay!). But I know I’ve made it through worse than this. Hell, I wouldn’t be alive today if I didn’t have the inner strength to make it through Life circa 1991-1998. Compared to the risk of dying, dangerous surgery, having no spleen and having to worry about every infection that comes along, and all the rest of the Sojourn with Active ITP risks, this is simple…r.
Yeah, weird how that works.
Not for me. Church is one of the few things I leave the house for besides work (which I have to attend). (Well, church is also required but it’s a happy requirement.) It’s one of the few things that gives me real happiness and joy and that’s only when I can get out of my own head for a while.
I echo tdn’s sentiment about the value of this thread. I started reading it yesterday and have been mulling over how much I fit the profile in Sunspace’s first post. I decided to follow the treatment spelled out for me instead of neglecting to take the thyroid pills, or use the CPAP machine, or take vitamins, or wear the $300 mouthpiece for teeth grinding. Maybe I can make fresh food now and again instead of frozen or take-out. Maybe I can take a couple of night classes just to get out of the house. Maybe I can go back to seeing a therapist.
I’ve thought it doesn’t matter if I waste my life away, because I’m not hurting anyone else. And it doesn’t matter if I’m hurt because I’m not worth much. But maybe there is some small difference I can make in the world. Is that arrogance or being prideful? My history makes me think it is but maybe it isn’t.
You guys are inspiring! Maybe there is always another chance.
I know that I’ve said “maybe” a lot and that’s to cushion the starkness of “I WILL” in case I fail again. And to make me still feel in control of the decision and not feel constrained and resentful. I have issues.
Not at all! It sounds like a damned good goal. But start with yourself. You can’t change the world if you can’t change yourself.
Start here. Stop saying things like that. Say the exact opposite, every day. Mean it. Feel it. Yes, at first it’s going to feel like pushing a car uphill, but it gets easier with practice.
Personally, I think you’re awesome. You’re one of my favorite posters. But it’s not up to me to feel that way about you. It’s up to you.
I’d like to echo this sentiment. You said something disparaging about yourself in another thread, and I thought, “How could gigi not like gigi? She’s one of my favorite people around here!” I guess I should have spoken up. Sincerely…you’re on my Nicest Dopers list.
tdn, now, he’s on a list all by himself…I’d rather not give the title of that one. 
Yes, don’t say things like that.
Saying those things about ourselves completely undermines us. We get trained into saying these things about ourselves during childhood, when we are told that we are unworthy, and we are rejected, and humiliated, and belittled, and abused. And it is the most difficult thing in the world to stop saying them–Og knows I struggle with it–but it’s worth it.
Shame. It’s the internal jailer.
I thought the same way, but then I remember how much it affected me when my sister and my mom died. I often cannot truly feel it, but I suspect that my friends would be affected if I died.
And thinking that you might be able to make a positive difference in the world is not arrogant or prideful at all. Even a hug to the right person at the right time can make a difference. Or buying someone a sandwich. Or letting them borrow your phone. Or donating to the food bank. Or volunteering. There are many ways to make a positive difference.
Sometimes one finds unexpected mercy.
Hey! I resemble that remark!
I’ve been pretty low. I’ve gone for months at a time without a shower in high school. Suicidal ideation, all that fun stuff. That comes and goes.
Giving up would be abandoning my novel and munching on the business end of a shotgun.
Thank you both, that’s very very sweet.
Sunspace, my history wasn’t that negative but neither was it positive. I can remember my father complimenting me exactly once. There was simply a level of depression and resignation that pervaded everything and my accomplishments were merely my responsibility to be a good student, not anything special. No one had the energy or passion to compliment or challenge or excel.
My assumption given a dearth of feedback was that I followed all the rules and did what I was supposed to, so I was therefore adequate, not evil, but nothing worthwhile. The vacuum was filled with negative opinions of myself and my worth, particularly in relation to everyone else.
Part of changing now may be to accept all that and then act how I would like to anyway, not forget history but don’t make it determine the future.
I was going to say tdn belongs on the list of Horniest Dogs, with Least Original User Name Ever at #1, but** tdn ** is also looking for romance and companionship. Or that’s what he says to get in girls’ pants. 
Can you tell me in private?
Arrogant and prideful. I hate how those words are associated with feeling good about yourself. It creates the false association that feeling good is somehow all about pushing others down. It’s not. It’s about drinking from the firehose of an awesome life.
“Shame. It’s the internal jailer.”
Nice!
Here’s one for you: Life is growth. Without growth, life looks an awful lot like death.
Oh gods. I broke into tears on reading that, because it exactly describes my father. I ask him how he is, and he says, “Fine, fine, I’m just puttin’ in the days…”
Until what, Dad?
Yes! You can write your own future history. I mean, you can’t control the future any more than you can control the past, but you can choose to meet it head-on with a great attitude.
To be truthful, my agenda has changed slightly. My life now compared to two months ago is pretty unrecognizable.
To arrive at where he already is? That’s so sad.
I better not. But you have my permission to give your imagination free rein. 
Oh good, I’m glad I have your permission to do what I’ve been doing all along. 
Well, I had no idea this was going to be such a serious thread. I now regret my asinine definition of giving up. Sunspace, you have my sympathies (about the tech writing, at the very least).
Oh sweet Mary mother of our Lord Jesus Christ and his little beard too. And I’m Swedish so I’m allowed to think fifteen-year-olds are hot, so here goes: You’re both smoking.
As for giving up, for me it’d involve drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. And the thing is, my job is such that I could drink really heavily for quite some time without my work suffering. I’d be able to spend more than half my waking time in a pickle and still keep my life running. That would make it hard to get back to anything resembling a normal life. And once my life did start breaking down, I’d be too far along to care.