Apos
November 20, 2002, 6:07pm
1
http://money.cnn.com/2002/11/20/news/companies/cars/index.htm
A new campaign is planning to target SUVs by appealing to conceptions of Jesus that, supposedly, would have him driving a more fuel efficient car.
But really, what WOULD Jesus drive?
CRorex
November 20, 2002, 7:31pm
3
Jesus would drive a VTOL sports car that gives oral sex, back rubs and would be able to calculate the winning lotto numbers.
Unfortunatly it’d only come in yellow.
Miller
November 20, 2002, 8:49pm
4
Judging from the historical record, I’d be surprised to see Jesus driving anything more sophisticated than a mule.
No, CRorex , Jesus is
Hydrogen-powered at that.
All’s I know is if I hear that joke about the Honda Accord one more time something beautiful’s going to die. 'Sides, everyone knows it was Moses and the Israelites who drove Accords.
www.Andrewsullivan.com has some wiseguy answers:
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.” Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd. “For I did not speak of my own Accord…” Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.” Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda… “The Apostles were in one Accord.”
Moses drove an Acura which he kept in excellent condition, since when he died, “his sight was unimpaired and his Vigor had not abated.” It is clear that Pharaoh did not keep his Dodge in the garage during bad weather, for after his famous dreams, “in the morning his Spirit was troubled.” Dodges were very popular among the entire populace in ancient Egypt, since when Moses asked the Israelites to pack into their car and leave Egypt, “they would not listen to Moses because of their broken Spirit.” The Dodge continued to be the car of the upper class right through turn of the century Jerusalem, when the priests and scribes “conspired to arrest Jesus by Stealth.” The apostles could not afford Dodges, however, and had to make due with Hyundais, as evidenced by the fact that Peter was identified as a follower of Jesus when the bystanders said to him, “Certainly you are also one of them, for your Accent betrays you.” God himself likes to give Mazdas as gifts, proof of which is that in Numbers 31, “Moses gave the Tribute, the offerring for the Lord, to Eleazar the priest, as the Lord had commanded.” For his own wheels, God drives a Plymouth when he wages war, as the prophet Zechariah proclaimed, “Then the Lord will appear over them, and his Arrow will go forth like lightning.” But there can be no doubt that when God is in the mood for a nice leisurely drive, nothing but a Rolls Royce Silver Dawn will suffice, which makes him the envy of world leaders as Isaiah makes quite clear when he says of the Lord, “Nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your Dawn.”
Jesus would drive a red VW Microbus, with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction! And a half ton of garbage that Alice and Ray never got around to disposing of!
Finagle
November 20, 2002, 10:14pm
10
Probably a firetruck with a busted siren, because it’s a vehicle that’s very likely to get nailed at a crossroads.
“Verily, officer, you are pressing your luck”.
Skeezix
November 21, 2002, 6:57am
14
Yeah, sure, just lemme see your license.
You’ve seen the light of Guthrianity? Praise Arlo!
And yea, Our Lord spake of His vehicle choice unto the multitudes: “I don’t want a pickle / I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.” (Motorcyclesians 1:1) And He saw that it was good, and lo, there was much rejoicing.
I liked what Leno said -
Single guy, carpenter, living in a rural area - probably a big truck.
To quote te Screaming Blue Messiahs, “Jesus Chrysler Drives a Dodge”. It just doesn’t get much clearer than that.
I guess it would have been even clearer had I typed “THE Screaming Blue Messiahs” in my prior post instead of “te Screaming Blue Messiahs”.
So sorry. So very,very sorry…
The Jesus I believe in would drive a beat-up 1978 Pinto, brown with beige interior, which he would miraculously be able to fit all 12 disciples into, like one of those clown cars in the circus. Oh, and it would never explode (also a miracle).