What would YOU have said?

The BBQ Pit
1

I was dragged by my best friend to the local Junior League Rummage Sale last month. I don’t even really know what a Junior League is, but I have issues with it anyway because I think it involves bored rich housewives. (My suspicions were confirmed by the number of volunteering Junior Leaguers in old jeans, issued T-shirts, big diamonds, and small Manilo Blahniks. grrrr)

Anyway, I actually found a jacket I wanted…a woman was considering it, so I carefully avoided looking interested in it until she put it down for a moment, and then I zoomed in like a hungry buzzard and snatched it from her.

$10 for a cool Nerdy Professor Type brown wool jacket with a suede collar…I was ecstatic. (I’m broke. I only look like I have taste and money.)

I went home and changed into it immediately, pairing it with my Cheap Old Navy Jeans, my Birthday Present Angora Sweater, and my gasp old black boots.

I don’t have any brown boots because…because I can’t afford any. My dog ate my good pair and I haven’t been able to replace them yet. I know, as does every woman alive, that you pair a snazzy brown jacket/cream sweater with brown boots.

But I loved my new jacket so much I decided to brave the Daunting Public in black boots anyway.

So I’m at Wal-Mart, perusing the 3-way bulb options, and around the corner come four oh-so-flamboyant gay guys. (I don’t want to be accused of stereotyping here, but two of them had on eyeliner and all of them were channeling Ricki Lake. If they were straight, they were also virgins.)

As they approach, one of them spots my jacket and says appreciatively, “Oooh…nice jacket!”

I preen. I nod. I say “Thank you!”

They walk in front of me. The one who admired my jacket gives me the critical once-over as he passes me.

He looks pleased til he catches sight of my feet.

He looks up at me and snaps, “COLOR COORDINATE IT!”

He walks on.

I’d like to say that at this critical juncture, something equally snappy and crushing came tumbling out of my mouth at the speed of light, but unfortunately, my lower jaw sagged with silence.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

I realize that this won’t rate at all as a rant, because it is relying on other Dopers to supply the necessary fire and brimstone, but DAMMIT, he pissed me off! And I said nothing! And I’d like to look back on this memory and replay it with some kind of crippling, possibly life-threatening riposte. Yes, I am that petty. And I know there’s really no defense for wearing black boots with a brown jacket, but GODAMMIT, there’s also no reason to be lambasted by your fashion choices at Wal-Mart! Go attack the people wearing stupid blue vests, for God’s sake! The ones that say “How Can I Help You?” even as those lazy bastards run away from anyone who even resembles a person who might need some help! Why attack the girl who at least got it HALF right?

2

I would have turned the other cheek, dear, knowing that I was the better person. :smiley:

Opinions of total strangers (and most people I KNOW) mean absolutely nothing. You felt good in your new jacket and that’s all that matters!

3

I dunno, I think that’s where you hang your head and say “I know, I know. It’s a new jacket, and I just HAD to wear it out! Matching boots are next on my list.”

This from a guy who wears the same pair of black shoes EVERY SINGLE DAY to work.

4

I’d have said: “Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store called - they’re running out of you!”

5

Well, a perfectly delivered, “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE”, would always be appropriate for that sort of rudeness. But maybe that’s not your style.

Really, I flip back and forth (in my quest for courtesy) between smiling and moving on and wanting to slap people like that so they’ll learn from their mistakes.

Truly, smiling and ignoring is the proper approach. But it’s only internally satisfying (which is all that should matter, I know).

Heck, once in the comic book, Love and Rockets, Doyle, Ray and a friend of theirs (a non-recurring character) are sitting around when a girl hipster makes fun of their clothes and life and Eddie (the NRC) just farts loudly to get rid of her. I laughed.

6

“Give me your wallet…NOW!”

7

L’esprit de l’escalier, man. I’d have thought of saying “How rude. What on earth made that come out of your mouth?” while waiting in the next left turn lane.

8

How about:
[camp voice] Oooooo, get her [/campy voice]

9

Sure hope Mr. Perfection doesn’t hit the Decatur Wal-Mart–some of those non-color-coordinated housewives walking around in there would give him a severe rectal attack, the one where his head disappears completely up his ass and he can’t see to drive home and the Wal-Mart manager has to call a cab for him.

10

[hijack]A most awesome collection, Love and Rockets, by Los Bros Rodregiuz (sp?). Dude a hi-five for that.[/hijack]

11

DAMMIT, why can’t I fart on command?

Better than words.

(A co-worker used to be in prison…he told me that at night whenever the cons were supposed to be sleeping, if anyone farted somebody always said, “Hey, who’s blowing me kisses?”)

And I just hijacked my own thread, didn’t I…

BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED BETTER-THAN-MY-LACK-OF-REPLY.

:smiley:

(Dammit, now I’m rhyming…)

12

“color coordinate” I know the words… but I don’t get the sentence :wink:

IMHO, a good, solid, and swift kick to the guy’s nuts, followed by, with a snap of course, “PROTECT IT”

Gay, virginally straight, running in packs, or whatever, nobody should think they can run around commenting on other people’s outfits without potential consequence. I am not saying people cannot comment, but be prepared for a swift kick to the balls/arse/knee/etc.

13

In a case like that I just chuckle indulgently and smile. Weirds people out. This is similar to my response to a driver who cuts me off, which is a big smile and a thumbs up.

14

I would have killed him.

15

True, true…

Riposte? He was an angel of good fashion there to help and yet you spurn his perfectly manicured, proffered hand of advice not to indulge yourself (yet again) and to get over your clunky, funky Seventeen Magazine mix and match notions of what it is appropriate for a young woman to wear. Your “riposte” should have been a humble “Thank you.” With eyes lowered in respect.

Here is Ferragammo’s “The art of the shoe”. Might be worth a gander.

16

You should have just said,“Well, if you’d like to buy me a pair…” and walked away. And who knows? Maybe he would have been offended enough to grab you a nice pair of brown boots.

If it makes you feel better, I only have black shoes. I’m thinking of getting brown ones, but I just can’t be bothered to care enough.

17

“Thank goodness you were here, Captain Fashion!”

18

You know, I didn’t stop to look, but in my memory he is wearing brown boots, and with a swift kick to the nuts, I fell him, steal his shoes, slap his friends just for knowing him, and then run out of Wal-Mart screaming, “WHO’S THE BITCH NOW?”

19

I’d have grunted, “What’s your fucking problem, pal?” Probably doesn’t work as well for you, but I find it a very useful and flexible rejoinder. Feel free to use it whenever you’d like.

20

I probably would have laughed my ass off. After all, he was right.

However, if a woman said that to me it would be a completely different story. I might have lost my usual sense of decorum and beat her senseless right there. Somehow it just sounds funny coming from a queen, and more like an insult coming from some random bitch.