My contribution :
said extremely sickly sweetly: “Had an extra bowl of bitchflakes this morning, sweetums ?”
This one gets my vote.
I would have shut my eyes, as if in pain. Then cleared my throat and said, “Next time I venture out into the social runway that is Wal*Mart, I’ll make sure to take the twenty, twenty-five minutes it takes to change what shoe I have on my prostetic leg.”
It’s wrong to wear black shoes with a brown jacket?
Damnit, I’ll never be a fashion plate at this rate 
Uhoh, I just got a new, brown, leather jacket for christmas. Does this mean I can’t wear it with my (only pair of) boots… which just happen to be black?
Damn!
I like the “Captain Fashion” comment myself. Other than that, I’d have thought of, “Well, buy me boots, then!” or (with a wry smile), “You’re in WAL-MART, honey!” I’d have thought of those things approximately fifteen minutes later.
I have black boots but no cool-looking brown jacket. Given that life is not perfect, I think that it would be better to have both and wear them together regardless of all those fashion critics in the Wal-Marts of the world.
I KNEW I could count on my fellow Dopers to give me a mind-boggling variety of fabulous replies. All of you came up with better replies than mine…
But then it doesn’t take much to beat The Blank, Shocked Stare. sigh A hearty “Kiss my fucking ass!” would’ve worked, really.
The thing is, in my line of work, smart-ass one liners are my stock in trade. I can sling 'em all day long.
But when someone’s blatantly RUDE, my mind just goes blank with shock. I’m back to square one. I’m not even angry for a split second or two; I’m just spinning in the void. “Oh my God…!” is the only thing going through my mind.
Later, like some of you said–maybe five, ten, fifteen minutes later–is when the smartass kicks in again and I resume Standard Operating Procedures.
By then, of course, it’s far too late.
I learned in college that the Germans have a word for it…of course, I can’t remember the word to save my life, but it roughly translated to “thought upon the stairs.” The thought that occurred to you as you walked away from an argument…the perfect riposte that would have landed all the points squarely on your side.
sigh
Damn Germans. Typical of their efficiency to have a word for it.
To Nightrabbit and the others who wondered about the Fashion Police vs. black and brown…I am not a Fashionista by any stretch. (Obviously, for God’s sake. I was caught by Joan Rivers’ godson in the bulb aisle at Wal-Mart, wrecklessly trodding upon everyone’s good taste.)
But I was always told that your belt/shoes/coat should all be in the same family. No black belt with brown shoes, no black jacket with brown belt, etc., etc…
My mother raised me this way, and my mother’s word has always been Law on what is tasteful and correct.
But shrug maybe Mom’s rules can be bent. I’m certainly not advocating that anyone NOT wear their new brown jacket with black boots.
Just not in Wal-Mart.
:smack:
Ummm Humor an ignorant Alaskan??? Why is it derogatory?? Don’t “aggies” like tea?
Sheesh,I’m SO darn sheltered…
LMAO!!!
Oh,OH OH,statesiders do NOT know WHAT they’re missing at the Fly By Night Club!!!
It’s not easy being sleazy!!!
But then,we Alaskans are a breed apart aren’t we,hehe.
PS,How come I never got to see the black bunny boots? All I have are the old white ones!!!
As a person who can never remember if I’m allowed to wear black or brown shoes with blue, I’d really appreciate someone posting a cite for the “Cool People’s Dress Code”. I’m serious about this. Not that I’m trying to be cool (shudder), I just don’t want to be UN-cool!
And I think a good reply might have been, “Is your thong a little tight today, dearie?”
Aggies drink beer, especially Shiner Bock, and hard liquor. Tea is for the gentry who do no actual work but sit in their ivory towers and prattle on about whether iambic pentameter is truly superior to free verse.
actually the expression is French, not German. It’s l’esprit de l’escalier, loosely translated as “wit of the staircase.”
What the Germans have is an expression for “taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.” That’s another useful one - it’s schadenfreude.
Oh, and for my comeback:
“I see your fashion sense is itching, sweetie. Why don’t you turn around and I’ll shove the stick a little further up your ass? Maybe I can scratch it for you.”
How about:
This is WalMart, not fuckin’ Macy’s, BIATCH!!!
“GREAT idea! Turn around, bend over, and hold still!”
*This needs to be said at the highest loudness and pitch you can physically attain, too, for maximum projection.
OW,that rather hurt,especially the part about the iambic pentameter.
I hope it didn’t refer to math, I’m severely math phobic,
hehe.
And wow, the only “feud” we Alaskans get to look forward to is the one between the Anchorage Aces (hockey team) and the Fresno Falcons. Sob! We’re SUCH a boring state,(not).
-Easy. The white ones are typically military surplus, and can be had often as low as $20 a pair (sometimes even less, during the summer.) Black ones are commercial only, and thus are usually $70 to $120 new. Check a Sweeney’s sometime.
And no offense there, but on this board, one exclamation point is usually sufficient, and trail-off sentences are usually depicted with a series of periods, not commas.
I would have sang “Brown shoes … don’t make it / quit school …why fake it?” and then screamed “Be a plumber He’s a bummer / He’s a bummer every summer / Be a loyal plastic robot / For a world that doesn’t care” in his ear. Prefereably with a glazed expression and something sharp in my hand.
Wave your freak flag high.
I would have said, “Gee, I thought I would be safe from the Fashion Police at a Wal-mart!”
Actually, I wouldn’t have said that – I would have just stared at him goggle-eyed… I can never think of an instant response to rudeness. Oh, and DDG? I didn’t know what those Manila Blahnick thingies were either. Given the choice, I usually buy books, not clothes.
Jess
HAPPY ENDING:
I told my mother this story, and two days ago I got a pair of Italian leather boots via UPS.
In the most fetching shade of brown.
I’m telling you people, Mom takes this stuff seriously.
For the record, I knew I was mis-spelling Manolo Blahnik in the OP, but I’m far too lazy to Google anything so annoying.
Or at least, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.