What would you say to this spoiled brat?

In My Humble Opinion
21

About 15 years ago this moocher former friend was hanging around with a then current friend of mine and suggests they go to Burger King for some food. Friend orders a combo. Moocher orders two Big Macs and a coke. Moocher, of course, has no money and doesn’t bother to say anything until they drive up to the window to pay. Friend pays.

They hang out somewhere nearby for a while and for some reason don’t eat the food. Then they drive the 3 miles back to friend’s house.

Moocher opens the first Big Mac. Takes a bite out of it. Rolls down the window and chucks it. Friend goes WTF?, but moocher doesn’t answer. Moocher opens the second one and takes a bite out of it. Chucks it out the window. At that point friend finally loses it and demands to know what the fuck is going on, because he just paid for that food.

Moocher says “they’re cold”

Friend says “We have a microwave”

Moocher says “Oh. Sorry. Can we go back and get more?”
:smack:

Friend says no. :mad:

Yeah, there was a reason moocher was a former friend of mine by then.

22

Moral of the story is: If you let moocher/spoiled brat do this more than once, you’re a moron.

23

I agree that what she needs is not a “witty, sarcastic reply”. What she needs is to stop doing this ridiculous shit for him.

24

Again, I don’t disagree. I’ve been telling her that for years. She’s just not the type to stand up to him, though. So, in lieu of that, I figured a “What would you say?” poll was the next best thing.

I almost feel sorry for him, because once she’s gone, he’s going to have a pretty quick and hard reality check. He’s not going to know what to do or how to live after having his life taken care of for all those years. I actually worry he’ll try turning to me and then it’ll become my problem. I’m not as weak-willed or nice as my mother, fortunately (or unfortunately if you’re him).

25

That is what also came to my mind.

Since she’s just going to roll over and continue serving the little prince, she might as well just say, “Yes, sir. Anything you like, sir.”

26

“Go fuck yourself” works for me.

I have a friend…well, perhaps more an acquaintance these days, since I am distancing myself nowadays- with a 35-year old crackhead, jobless, emotionally - 8-year old son who lives in her house. With his girlfriend. Who is not a drug user but who is morbidly obese and jobless.

My acquaintance:
Pays for his cell phone.
Does not charge him or his girlfriend one penny for rent, energy use, food, etc.
Hasn’t done anything to encourage him to straighten up, and turns a blind eye to the fact that the little money he brings into the household is whatever is left over from drug money that he makes primarily from illegal scrapping.
Allows him almost free rein of the single family vehicle, despite the fact that he has no license (drunk driving) and has a history of wrecking cars (why he hasn’t been apprehended yet is a mystery to me.) She says the reason she lets him is because his whining and yelling is intolerable when he doesn’t get what he wants.
He brings in no money except some bullshit $270 government handout because he’s one of her designated “caregivers” - she is legitimately disabled. But she rarely sees a penny of that.
He has two children, but he lost all parental rights several years ago because he made no effort to see his kids and no effort to pay child support.

She acknowledges that what she is doing is wrong; a previous court action forced her to co-dependency or Al-Anon classes. She understands the theory. She is not a stupid woman, generally. She knows she has, basically, raised her son to be a perpetually spoiled brat, an 8-year old in an adult body, and an irresponsible drug user.

But, doing so fulfils some sort of deep need in her that I don’t fully understand.It’s like addiction. I gave up trying to talk sense to her about year ago, as have several other people and mutual friends. Many of whom have also backed away from her because of her abnormal relationship with her son (there is also a husband, but he is weak, child-like and ineffectual; apparently she likes her men that way.)

Anyway…yah, basically my thought is: you can make youirself crazy trying to fix dynamics like this. But, it won’t work they way you think it should. Because it is not logical. You cannot fix this. Yet, it works for all parties involved: your brother is emotionally stunted. Your mother and stepfather are complicit - it works for them, perhaps, even, they need to cling to the last remaining child. Or whatever. But they are CHOOSING this, they want it. It would proably be a very uncomfortable thing ig their remaing son became functional and self supporting. Right?

27

She should say, in a very nice, pleasant tone of voice, that she’s sorry that the service is not up to his standards, and perhaps he should GO GET HIS OWN DAMNED MEAL next time, to make sure that he gets hot fries.

Seriously, about the only thing that is going to help is if she starts saying “NO” to him, as often as necessary.

28

My grandma did this with her youngest child. She would have been living alone if not for him (and he died at 38y/o, shortly after she did at 72). Which I think would be an improvement, but she wasn’t the independent type. They would bicker and argue and treated each other like shit, but it was a symbiotic sort of co-parasitology. He never moved out, but she never really wanted him to. After she died, his sister–my aunt–was supporting him financially, but I think he just lost the will to live when his mama went.

I have my own armchair psychological theories about why people do this, but it’s hardly uncommon. And your mom is as much to blame as your brother. If treating her like shit gets him what he wants, with no negative reinforcement whatsoever, it would be most illogical for him to stop.

29

This is it really, I’d more be cussing off the mum & dad than the slacker. They are actively not doing your brother any favours. It’s creating a nice little drama in their lives so they can throw up their hands and say “oh boy, what on earth can we do with Johnny” so they don’t have to address their own dysfunction. Quite often there’s a family dynamic where one kid is singled out as the duffer and eventually he buys into it.

30

He has nowhere else to go? Where do you live? Coastal Japan? most communities have things called apartment buildings. Pay his first months rent as reparations for doing such a bad job parenting, and let him figure out the rest.

Have you tried shame? A quiet emotionally even short talk, along the lines of “What you are doing is not normal or acceptable. You are hurting the people who love you.” can be a hell of a reality check. He has probably fooled himself in to thinking what he is doing is a continuation of high school, or that he’ll get a job “soon.” Having it made clear that the people you respect see right through you bullshit is powerful.

Check out episodes of Intervention on Hulu for a template.

He may think you are an ass, but if he ever gets it together, he’ll look back and thank you.

31

“I’m so sorry. Perhaps you could heat up the fries by holding them between your knees.”

Pretty much exactly the situation my brother is in, or very soon will be.

32

If your mom can’t bring herself to say something nasty to him, maybe she could just give him a good dumbfounded stare and go about her business pretending to be deaf and ignoring him? That kind of brattiness doesn’t even deserve a response.

I have a 21-year-old brother who has his share of problems, but I’m trying and failing to imagine him behaving like this. I’m also trying to imagine my mom having any other reaction than totally blowing her stack and making his life miserable until he wised up and apologized. I’m assuming you’ve tried ripping him a new one? As an older sister, I’d feel like I kind of had to.

33

Heh, I’ve got a 21 year old sister who acts very similar. Still living at home, paying no rent. Got fired from three jobs in a row for some combination of lazyness/incompetence. Refuses to get a driver’s license and demands to be chauffeured everywhere. Won’t cook, still wants meals to be made for her, won’t buy groceries. Blame goes to both parties; my sister for being a useless brat, my parents for enabling. Who can you be more angry at, a 21 year old who demands to be driven downtown to shop or the adult who drops what they were doing to do it?
But! The middle sister and I hatched upon a fantastic plan. Figuring part of the reason that my parents didn’t kick her lazy non-contributing ass out was that they still wanted to feel needed, we bought them a dog (they owned one when they first got married and didn’t buy another after he died because they had three small children - they are dog people, it’s not like we decided that for them and hoisted one upon them). And lo! Their tolerance for my sister’s mooching and whinging dried right up. They’ve (adorably) gotten really into flyball, so they’re too busy with that and the socializing with other dog owners that goes along with it to drive the sister everywhere or cook her meals all the time. My sister’s moving out next month, into her boyfriend’s place; he’s apparently willing to put up with being treated like a servant, but who knows for how long.

Anyway. Your brother is unlikely to change unless someone forces him to, sadly.
How does your stepfather feel about this? It’s one thing for a parent to allow it. I can’t imagine letting someone else’s adult son live at home in the circumstance you described.

34

I think this is a reality check that your mom desperately needs. You might be doing them both a service by confronting her with the fact that if your brother is not independent when she dies, he’ll be seriously screwed because you will not indulge him the way she does. If parents are indeed supposed to sacrifice for the good of their children, then for her the sacrifice is letting her child go out into the world. As painful as that will be for her, if she wants to do right by her child, if she wants him to thrive after she’s dead and gone, then this is what needs to happen.

Your mom needs to be told all of this.

35

I would just add to Leaffens’ suggestion.

I would tell him to go fuck himself when he asked for them, not when they came back cold.

36

I have to agree that the real problem here is the mom.

I would have said go back to McDonald’s yourself, in the car that you paid for with the money that you earned with your job.

37

Congratulations. You managed to wring a shred of sympathy for your brother out of me. At some point he’s going to be incredibly lost, scared, unmoored and unprepared for the littlest thing, and it will be 100% her own damn fault. Your mother needs to get it through her skull that she’s doing her son an enormous cruelty.

38

I agree with Machine Elf and purplehoreshoe, your mom needs to understand how much she is hurting him by enabling this infantile behavior.

What would I say? “Since I can’t do this correctly, YOU get to go to McDonalds and show me how to do it right.” I’d even sit in the passenger seat, eating my meal while he drives to McDonalds. Then, you get to question him on the exact details of his French Fry Maintenance strategy so that you can “make sure I do it right next time.”

WRT groceries, he wants mac and cheese… here are the car keys, have fun.

39

My mom would have said something like, “No. I didn’t HAVE to go to McDonald’s for you in the first place.”

I think the “no” is the key part of the answer. If that’s not there, and she does go back and get more fries for him, he’s just going to continue behaving this way. It gets him what he wants.

Of course, there’s the possibility that enabling this behavior gets her what she wants, too. If what she wants is for someone to need her, and to be able to think, “poor me, look what I put up with,” then enabling him is getting her what she wants. If, however, what she wants is a son who can function as an independent adult, well, those goals may not be compatible. You can’t always have everything you want.

40

I’d start with “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to” and somewhere in the middle I’m sure there would be a “get your own fucking fries from now on” and then I’d probably end it with everybody else’s favorite, “go fuck yourself.” There would be a lot more ranting in between all of that but I think those are the key points.