This might do the trick.
(Game of Thrones clip)
The first time I heard something like that my response would be, “The proper thing to say when someone does something nice for you is Thank You.”
The second time I heard something like that my response would be, “Then from now on you can get them for yourself.”
The third time I heard something like that my response would be, “Since I’m obviously not competent enough for you to live with you now have 90 days to find a job and move out of my house.”
My thought was, “Oh, man, let me have 'em back.” Then walk away and drop the fries in the trash, and go about your business. They don’t like 'em, they don’t have to eat 'em. The mooch should learn to stop complaining when it just makes him end up hungry every time.
+1 for douche nozzle.
She may need to be told, but she probably already knows. I used to think it was obliviousness until I confronted my grandmother one day about enabling my uncle. Nothing he ever did was his fault. He was disabled, he was bipolar, he had ADD, and that totally justified the fact that he treated people in our family like shit and got into all kinds of trouble with the law and so on and so forth. Her entire life revolved around him, not just serving him but protecting his reputation and making sure nobody ever said anything negative about him, ever. The day we had that conversation was the only time I ever saw her totally lose her shit. She was beyond reason. She was some crazy she-wolf viscously defending her cub. I said, “This is killing you. You cannot handle this stress, it is sending you to an early grave,” and she screamed, “I know and I don’t care. This is my choice.”
I don’t know why she did this to herself, but I was so sure it was going to kill her. We all got the shock of a lifetime when he killed himself at the age of 30 by ODing on heroine. He hated himself. Utterly hated himself. I didn’t know it until I was clearing out his things before the funeral and found his journal, full of self-hate.
So just, um, don’t assume your brother is happy with this arrangement either. It might be all he knows but chances are it’s serving your mother more than it’s serving him.
Good observation. I have to wonder what mom’s getting out of the situation.
She gets to continue mothering her son.
My own mom was terribly sad when my brother and sister went off to college. Seven years later when I went off to college - leaving her with an empty nest - she became depressed. Through meds and counseling she eventually got better, but the point is that when your identity is “mother,” and suddenly you find yourself without anyone to mother (because your children have become independent adults who live on their own), that’s a helluva tough transition. I’m a child-free man, and shit, even I can see that.
Idle Thought’s mom is refusing to give up her role as a nurterer and let/help her son become and independent adult. It’s selfish because, as discussed, the son will be screwed if she dies before he’s learned how to take care of himself.
Yeah, I can see that. I think that my own mother went through a little of that when I left the nest. Now she has grandkids and great grandkids. And hobbies.
Yep. Two people are involved in this dance. At this point neither is able to break the cycle, the change would be too difficult and scary.
Most people would say “Go fuck yourself” the first time this happened but this relationship has been built for 21 years so the roots are deep.
I’m pretty sure President Obama already covered this. [warning: link to audio clip]
There may be other orifices that would be more appropriate.
Thank you for all the replies and advice. As others have pointed out here, though, mom’s not going to change either, sadly. She’s an extreme mother hen, and while she does get aggravated and annoyed and even driven downright ballistic at him sometimes, she never takes any action. I agree it’s just as much on her as him, however.
Stepfather doesn’t agree with it, by the way. He’s threatened to leave both her and the house many times if she doesn’t kick him out, but there’s not much he can do since he, ya know, loves my mom. So he’s sort of caught in the middle.
It’s just a bad and messed up situation all-round which is only going to end in a huge explosion someday or, like I said earlier, with mom’s death…in which case brother will probably just go out and try to find someone else to mooch off of.
In short, nothing is going to change. Not my mother and certainly not my brother. I know them too well and they’re going to keep on staying in their respective roles in the situation.
I do appreciate the feedback, though.
When I read the description I assumed you were referring to a small child, who would have to be gently but firmyl corrected.
As 21-year-old? “If you don’t like it, go get your own fucking food, you worthless peice of shit” would be my response.
Your mother has a prety serious problem, I’m sorry to say, and the main problem is herself, not her son.
Perhaps you could try convincing your mother that she can still be a caretaker by providing sage council when the grown adolescent inevitably asks for it. And the child will certainly visit frequently, at least at first.
Kicking a child out is not the same thing as severing all ties.
That is too bad, for everyone involved.
I will lend you my cousin to shame him into moving out. She is in her 40s and lives in her parents’ basement with a menagerie of pets. She has no drivers license because she got into a fender bender decades ago and became too afraid to drive again. My 70-something aunt drives her to and from work every day - did I mention cousin works the night shift? She splits her free time and money between the internet and her niece.
I like to joke I got a job and moved out because I didn’t want to turn into her. I may play too many video games and eat too many Cheetos, but at least I’ve paid for them and my apartment myself. 
It sounds like that would backfire. “Sweet, I can stay here forever and still get driven around! Fetch me hot fries to celebrate!”
He’s your brother. Maybe nothing Mom says will really touch him (I mean, if he’s making demands on her like that, he obviously doesn’t much respect for her). But maybe he feels differently about you?
That’s sad. In the instance I related upthread, I forgot to mention that the crackhead son is 34 years old.
I really don’t think there is anything you can do. I’ve seen this sort of scenario three times in my life, and I think it’s disordered thinking and crazy behaviour. You can’t combat that with reason and logic, because it’s like trying to explain something complex in English to someone who only speaks Hungarian: almost impossible.
Pretty sad that your mother can’t understand that her job as a parent is to raise an independent adult, not a perpetual infant, and that she is doing him no favors.