Oompa Loompa - Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame, not a lion of shame. LOL! Celtling’s been in to Willy Wonka this week. . . .
I am not a psychologist or mental health professional of any sort. But here’s my two cents:
I think it’s worth having two seperate conversations. One with your Mom and one with your Brother. The goal of these chats is to make both understand that your Brother has been abused into a state of disability by the Mother’s submission to him.
Talking to your Brother, you should also stress that the whining, bugging and pestering are also abuse. They are abusing each other, and they need to at least be told that it is wrong.
It’s not just that he’s lazy and entitled. He honestly believes that something is wrong in the world if he feels the slightest discomfort. Cold fries are a fact of life that most of us accept and move on from. Your Brother does not have even this basic skill. He has no self-comforting ability whatever, and could probably be thrown into a complete panic by the realization that the fry problem would not be fixed immediately.
There is a lot of relief for the healthy person in looking at a situation like this and being able to say “Well, they can’t say I never told them.” Say it once, very strongly but without drama. Matter-of-fact, succinct, pulling no punches, “Here is what I see happening to my Brother.” Have an appointment set with a good counselor and hand over the name, time and phone number.
Once, and then you’ve done your part, and must accept their decision to live this way or not.
The reason this may work is that they are all very comfortable with your Mother in the victim role. Saying Mom is being victimized doesn’t even register with them anymore. But likening her abuse to breaking his legs instead of letting him learn to walk might have the slightest chance of slipping through the cracks of their denial.
Tell your Mom that she needs to undo the damage to her son slowly but with great determination. She should start by finding him a volunteer opprtunity and demanding that he go there every weekday to help out. It would be good if the job involved physical labor. Maybe a hospital? Just make sure it doesn’t involve children. He needs to be surrounded by adults, so that when he talks about his life he will see the horror in their eyes. A big part of his problem is that he is isolated with people who accept this situation.
Freeing your Mom is not the goal here. I’m sorry, but if you just kick him out he’ll have another enabler within the week, and he’ll end up a gigolo. The only person who deserves to pay the price for his laziness and entitlement is the woman who created it. She needs to step up to the plate and (preferably with the support of a really good cognitive/behavioral counselor) commit to undoing the damage.
