To find out how anyone’s formatting tricks are done, just click the ‘quote’ button on the post.
Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden when suddenly Eve gets her first period. They’re both shocked and horrified. Adam tells Eve to go down to the ocean to wash, and he’ll go talk to God about it.
Adam tells God “I’m really worried about Eve, she’s bleeding down there”
God replies “Oh, forgot to tell you, yup, that’s perfectly normal, it happens every month or so.”
“Phew” a relieved Adam replies
“By the way, where is Eve?” questions God
“Oh, I sent her down to the ocean to wash”
“Oh Great! Now I’ll never get that smell out of the fish!”
A flasher walks by 3 little old blind ladies on a park bench.
He flashes the first one, and she has a stroke.
:eek:
He flashes the second one, and she has a stroke.
:eek:
He flashes the third one, but she can’t reach!
Doh! That shouldn’t say “blind”! Damn, makes no sense that way…
What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.
If a man says something in a forrest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why do drunks throw up in the gutter?
So the homeless can have a warm meal.
Here’s some staples from me:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”
One day God speaks to Noah.
“Noah,” he says,“I want you to build another Ark”.
“What, like the last one?” asks Noah.
“Yes” replies God, “Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks”.
“Er…OK” says Noah “and shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like the last time?”.
“No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it” says God.
Noah is a little puzzled. “Just fish?” he asks.
“Yes” says God. “In fact, just carp”.
“Just carp? Why carp?” Noah quizzes.
“Well,” says God …
.
.
.
.
.
“I’ve always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!”
–
Did you hear about the two cannibals eating a clown? One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Another one…
Adam is walking in the Garden of Eden, alone. He happens upon God and tells God that he is lonely and would like someone to share all this with.
God says, “Well, Adam, I have just the thing. Your new mate will clean your house, raise your kids, cook you fabulous meals, never, ever complain, and take care of your every need.”
Adam says, “That sounds wonderful! What will it cost me?”
God says, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam says, “Hmm. What can I get for a rib?”
Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 25 pounds.
Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 25 minutes.
Damn, Dirty Earthworm took my favorite (although I always used mice)!
How does an electrician punish his kids?
He grounds them.
A sick one from Burns and Allen:
(in a hospital)
Gracie: We had a woman here who had triplets on Monday and twins on Tuesday.
George: Triplets on Monday and twins on Tuesday! How is that possible?
Gracie: One of them died. :eek:
My favorite gender-bashing reversal:
Q: Why don’t women have brains?
A: 'Cause they don’t have dicks to put 'em in!
Fred had long been a faithful Christian. He was now in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand by with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed Fred’s condition began to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note. Then he died!
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, as the pastor was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had worn when Fred died. He said to the congregation, “You know, ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it yet, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.” He opened the note, and read aloud, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
After months of fruitless lecturing, I finally decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter’s driving and take advantage of the situation. I signed up for one of those 900 phone numbers, then I got a bumper sticker for her car that says, “How’s my driving?” and put the 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I’ve been making $38 a week.
Take my wife, please!
Three guys walk into a bar
The forth one ducks
A dog walks into a bar in the old west, holds up a bandaged foot, and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
A ham sandwich walks up to the bar and orders a beer, the bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here”
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.” So he opened it and it read:
“Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
Warning: kinda offensive to some.
Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang the picture. Ouch!
Q: What has seven arms and loves hard rock?
Def Leppard
Ooh… my very first post 
Here are two of my favourites.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
or ANOTHER one
Three guys are walking in the desert, and they find a genie. The genie tells them that he will grant a wish to each of them.
The first guy wishes for a Ferrari and in a get it.
The second guy wishes for a mansion and gets it.
The third guy wishes for his dick to touch the ground.
So the genie cuts off his legs.
Hi Cat! waves
By the way, Cat is my little sister. I finally got her to join the Straight Dope!
G’day Kayeby’s little sister Cataclysm!
No post from me here…I’m just enjoying the jokes! Good way to get a warming belly-chuckle on such a grey Melbourne afternoon.
(Where’d the sunshine go BTW? I’m sure I saw some earlier today…)
A farmer has a prize bull of which he is very proud and plans to exhibit at the state fair. The day before the fair, he goes out to the barn and sees that the bull’s eyes are crossed. He knows that a cross-eyed bull will win no prizes, so he calls the vet. The vet examines the bull and pulls out a long tube and inserts it in the bulls ass. He blows hard on the other end of the tube and the bulls eyes go “poing!” into their proper allignment.
The vet says to the farmer, “I’ll leave this tube with you: if it happens again, you can fix it.”
Well, the next morning, as the farmer and his hired hand are preparing to take the bull to the fair, the farmer notices that the bull’s eyes are crossed again. He slides the tube into the bull’s ass and blows for all he is worth on the other end, but the bull’s eyes won’t budge.
Out of breath and beet-red in the face, he turns to his hired man and says,“Here, you try.” The hired hand pulls the tube out, flips it around , re-inserts it and blows on the tube. The farmer shouts, “Why the hell did you do that for?!”
Replies the hired hand, “Well, you didn’t expect me to put my mouth on the same end as you, did you?”