A young penguin walks into a bar and says to the Bartender,
“Have you seen my Dad”?
The Bartender says,
“I dunno, what does he look like”.
Adam is back in the Garden, talking with God:
Adam says, “God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?”
God: “So you would love her.”
Adam: “Why did you make her so stupid?”
God: “So she would love you.”
Two guys are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking himself.
First man, looking over at the dog: “I wish I could do that.”
Second man: “Well, maybe if you pet him first.”
Two guys are walking down the street, when they see two dogs having sex.
First man: “Boy, I wish I could get my wife to do that.”
Second man: “No problem, just give her three martinis and she’ll go for it.”
The next day:
Second man: “So, how did it go? Did your wife go for it?”
First man: “Well, yeah, but it took 10 martinis!”
Second: “10? are you kidding? Just to have sex doggy style?”
First:“Oh, she would do it doggy style after 3, but it took 7 more to get her to do it on the front lawn!”
A priest loved playing golf. One Sunday it was supposed to be a beautiful, perfect day and he decides to fake being sick and have a friend cover mass for him while he went out on the links. St. Peter watches this, and decides the priest needs to be punished, but he isn’t sure what to do. So he tells God and God says He will take care of it. Well, the priest shoots the round of his life. A hole in one and lots of birdies to boot. St. Peter looks at God and says, “You call that a punishment?” God says, “Who is he going to tell?”
Car salesman: “This car is equiped with a driver side airbag and a get well soon card for the passenger!”
What is the useless skin around a vagina called?
A woman
And yes, I do know WAY too many jokes. Not many good ones, but I know LOTS.
A man’s waiting in line at the confessional, when the priest suddenly steps out.
“Hey buddy,” says the priest, “Can you help me out here? I really gotta piss. Can you take over for a few minutes?”
“Oh, father, I dunno…I don’t think…”
“Listen, it’s really simple. Ya see, there’s this chart. They tell you their, you read off the chart the penance, yer done!”
So the man agrees. First parishoner walks in, “Father, I am sorry for all my sins. It’s been 3 weeks since my last confession. I raised my voice to my wife, I took the Lords name in vain and I missed Church one Sunday.” The guy looks at the chart, adds up the numbers “OK, say 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Father’s and your sins will be forgiven.”
Next guy walks in. Same deal, 10 Hail Marys, 5 Our Father’s and he’s out.
Third guy comes in. “Bless me father for I have sinned. My last confession was a month ago. These are my sins: I lied, I stole from the office, and I engaged in sodomy with my wife.” Guy looks up the sins, but can’t find anything on “sodomy.” So he steps out for a second and finds an altar boy.
“Psst…help me out here, what does Father give for sodomy?”
“Oh, usually a couple lollipops and a milkshake.”
Two Irish Catholic brothers, Pat & Mick.
Pat is very religious. Goes to church every week. Doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or chase women.
Mick, on the other hand, is the opposite. Never goes to church. Doesn’t work. Drinks, smokes & lechers.
Both eventually die.
Pat arrives at the gates of Heaven, and is welcomed in by St. Peter himself.
After some time exploring Heaven, Pat sees Mick lying on a cloud in the distance, a pitcher of beer in one hand, the other arm around the waist of a very attractive blonde.
Annoyed, he goes to St. Peter, wanting to know why his brother did not end up in hell.
To which St. Peter replies:
“Ah, there’s the hell of it, Pat. The pitcher has a hole in it, the blonde hasn’t”
Favourite one liner:
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Favourite story joke:
Young Capt. Tremblay of the French Foreign Legion is assigned to take over command of a remote outpost in the Algerian desert. He gets there and it’s this beat up old Moorish fort, right out of “Beau Geste.” There’s a garrison of maybe fifty or sixty soldiers. So the sergeant major is showing him around the fort and giving him the lay of the land, and the captain notices this decrepit old camel standing off in a corner. He asks, “Sergeant, what’s that camel for?”
The sergeant major suddenly becomes very evasive and suggests it’s not important. But the Captain insists and the sergeant major says, “Well, sir, you see, umm, the camel, see, well, we’re all MEN here, see? And well, theres no women. So when the men get, you know, urges, they go get the camel and use it, see?”
The Captain thinks that’s just the most disgusting thing he’s ever heard, but he figures, well, if it keeps the men happy I’ll pretend I never saw that.
So days go by, weeks, months go by out in the desert. Well, the Captain is a man, too, and pretty soon he starts to get lonely. And he starts to get horny. And he starts to think about the camel, but he resists the horror for awhile, until finally one hot, sticky night he just can’t stand it anymore, and he shouts out, “Sergeant Major, bring the camel into my quarters!”
So the Sergeant Major beings in the camel, and the captain realizes he has a problem; the goddamned thing is nine feet tall, so how’s he going to do this? Not wanting to ask an enlisted man how to have sex with a camel, he tries just about everything. First he sort of tries to shimmy up the back legs, and then he tries to sort of hang out from underneath, and then he tries kind of jumping at it, and all the while the camel is bucking and hissing and grunting while the captain struggles with it with his pants around his ankles. After about twenty minutes of this he finally hits on the idea of building a stool out of a chair and some books, gets standing up behind the camel, and finally does it. As he’s pumping away he looks down at the sergeant major and says, “Ahhh, this is great. Is this the way the men usually do it?”
“Well, actually, sir,” says the sergeant major, “the men usually just ride the camel into town.”
3 vampires walk into a bar. They all sit down.
First one orders a glass of pigs blood.
The second one orders a glass of warm blood.
The third one asks for a cup of hot water.
The bartender and the vampires all look at him, the bartender says, “Don’t you want blood or something?”
So the third vampire reaches into his pocket pulls out a tampon and says:
“I’m making tea.”
Youngman’s
Man getting a physical.
Doc-drop your drawers,turn your head to the right and stick out your tongue.
Patient-Don’t you mean cough?
Doc-no stick out your tongue-I’m pissed at the tenant across the airshaft.
Don Adams-
Police arrive at the scene of a hit and run,and ask the bruised,bloodied man lying by the curb-“Did you get the license number”?–“No,but I’d remember that laugh anywhere.”
From Broadway Danny Rose-Woody’s got a client who has a parrot that sings as his show stoppingfinale-“I’ve gotta be me.”
In the story department a remembrance of the year I first heard it.
Boy turns 16,father gives him $50 with instructions to go to the cathouse and learn how to be a man.
Kid goes to the house-Madam asks “what can we do for you,honey?”
Kid-"Dad told me to learn how it feels to be a man=gave me $50 for the lesson.
He’s shown into a room with a resident hooker."What can I do for you honey"says the hooker.Kid repeats he’s got $50,etc.
The hooker who we’ll call Shirley "OK-take your clothes off lie down on the bed and we’ll start with a little 69.“What’s that” said the kid.“Don’t worry,I’ll show you”
So he lays down and shirley starts straddling his chest with her butt at his face when she cuts a ripper."Whoa’goes the kid,“I don’t know about this” “I’m sorry”,said Shirley “we’ll try again” and straddles once more-and again lets fly a bodacious blast.
"That’s enough"said the kid “I can’t take 67 more of those!”
I heard that one in 1969-amazing the dreck that crams the noodle
You have to say “used”, or it doesn’t make much sense.
Gonzoron stole my favorite joke, so I shall tell my second favorite:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You got a drink named Steve?”
Third favorite (invented, as far as I know, by a friend of mine):
Q: What do you use to tie up a pig?
A: Twine.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
The shopping trolley has a mind of it’s own.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
“It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
"What? Because he’s cross-eyed? "
“No, because he’s really heavy”
“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”
“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”
So I went to the dentist.
He said “Say Aaah.”
I said “Why?”
He said “My dog’s died.’”
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local
swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my
house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said 'I careered off the road.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round.”
The other one says “so are you, you fat bast**d!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man walked into the doctors, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”
The doctor said “well don’t go there any more”
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese!
An old man is on his deathbed in his home. But from his kitchen comes the aroma of baking cookies…and he thinks to himself, that just once more, before I go, I would love to have the taste of my wife’s wonderful, homemade cookies. So he painfully struggles out of bed, gasping, staggers, crawls to the kitchen–he sees a plate of warm cookies on the counter, and his beloved wife taking another batch out of the oven.
With his last trembling bit of strength, he reaches for a cookie.
His wife smacks his arm with a spatula, and says “those are for the funeral.”
Q: How many (insert oppressed ethnic group here) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one! What are you, a racist or something?
what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
-------Hark, there go the elephants over the hill!
what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
-------nothing. he didn’t recognize them.
and my little sister’s favourite:
There were two penguins sitting together, taking a bath. One penguin said to the other penguin, “Would you pass me the soap?” The second penguin respnded, quite offended, "What do you think I am? . . .a microwave?
ya, enjoy.
I guess.
yes, I know these were pretty bad.
but, I am still laughing. . . . .
Ann: Welcome to the SDMB and thank you for the funniest 5 minutes I’ve had here in some time.
Adam gets the world’s first erection:
“Stand back, Eve, I don’t know how big this gets!”
A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “what’ll you have?” and the seal replies “Anything but a Canadian Club.”
A gorilla walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks puzzled, but asks “what can I get you?” and the gorilla replies “a beer please.” The bartender serves him, but he’s perplexed. After the gorilla finishes his beer, he calls over the bartender and asks “what do I owe you?” The bartender says “ten dollars.” The gorilla pays, and as he gets up to leave, the bartender says “I’m sorry to be rude, but we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” And the gorilla replies “well at these prices, I’m not surprised.”
A man and a woman are alone on an elevator. The man turns to the woman and says “Excuse me, miss, but can I smell your pussy?” The woman, completely shocked, says “oh my God, NO!” to which the man replied “oh, it must be your feet then”
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He’s the only person in the bar, and he orders a beer from the bartender. He takes a drink and he hears “hey buddy, that’s a nice shirt you have there!” The man looks up and no one is around. He takes another swig of the beer and he hears “hey, that’s a great tie too, buddy!” This bothers the guy, so he calls over the bartender… He tells the bartender what happened… no one was around, but someone said he had a nice shirt and tie. The bartender says “oh, that’s just the peanuts!” The man says “the peanuts?” and the bartender says “yeah, they’re complimentary.”
Sitting Bull had three wives, but he was interested in selecting a number 1 wife. So he told each one to bring him a skin of an animal, bring it back to the tepee, and sit on it in front of the fire. So each squaw went out and came back with their animal skin. The medicine man was invited in to watch the proceedings. The first wife had a beautiful buffalo hide, which she sat on in front of Sitting Bull. The second wife had a nice bobcat hide, and sat on that in front of Sitting Bull. The third wife was sitting on a dark grey, rubbery skin from a hippopotomus. Sitting Bull looked at each for a moment and said “I choose my third wife to be my number one wife.”
He asked everyone to leave, but before he left, the medicine man stopped and asked. "Sitting Bull. I need to know… your two beautiful wives had brought you beautiful hides from a buffalo and a bobcat. Why did you choose wife number three? Sitting Bull was surprised that the medicine man for not understanding, but he explained, “it’s elementary, my old friend. Everyone knows that the squaw on the hippopotomus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”
A white man was captured by indians, and was told by the chief that he could have three wishes before they killed him. So they put him in his own guarded tepee and asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted to speak to his horse. The wish was granted, and the man whispered something into the horse’s ear. The horse immediately ran off, heading back to town and came back later that day with a beautiful brunette. The brunette went into the tepee and the condemned man had his way with her. “stupid white man” the indians thought. The next day, the same wish was granted and the man whispered again in the horse’s ear. This time he brings a stunning redhead. The indians look at this guy like he’s nuts, but allowed him his wish.
The third day, the white man grabs the horse’s head and yells "You dumb horse! I said bring me a POSSE!!! P-O-S-S-E!
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What’s going on?’
‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’
Man goes into his doctors office complaining of discolored privates. Doctor takes a peek and sure enough, the guy is bright orange. He asks the guy has been doing anything differently lately or has been on any medication. Receiving a negative answer, the doctor prescribes an ointment and tells the patient to return the next week.
Next week rolls around and if anything, the situation is worse. Not only is the offending member still bright orange. . .but it appears to be flaking. The doctor is totally confused and asks the man to bring his wife in with him the next day to try and clear up the mystery.
The following day, the man appears with wife in tow. The doctor asks her if she knows of any reason for the strange affliction. “No” she says.
“What does you you husband do in his spare time”, the doctor asks.
“Oh”, says she, “he just sits around watching porn flicks eating cheetos.”
A man is reading a menu in a restaurant. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous, long-limbed waitress in a very short skirt, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order.
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE’.”
What goes cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-booom?
A chicken in a minefield.