What your favorite joke?

In My Humble Opinion
81

This one is great! And it forces me to dredge up my own math jokes, courtesy of my friend the math major:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a chicken?

Elephant-Chicken-sinè

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain-climber?

You can’t, a mountain-climber’s a scalar.

What’s the integral of 1/cabin dcabin?

A boathouse:
ln cabin + c
(log cabin plus sea)

And a non-math one in tribute to Muppet’s Tonight:
What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

Eleph-ino!

82

Crud! that was supposed to be a theta! Elephant-Chicken-sin (theta)

83

A bit dated (circa August 1991), but still one of my faves:

Q: How many Soviet leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight: Gorbachev on a ladder, and seven to turn against him.

Thanks to everyone else for the chuckles!

84

I hate to admit that somebody’s little sister gets a joke that I don’t, but …whoosh.

85

I’m pretty sure veryone’s heard this one, but it’s still one of my all-time favorites…

(I like to tell it in first person, but you don’t have to)

I was sitting in the bar one day, and this guy walks in and sits down next to me. He reaches into his coat pocket and brings out a little man, only a foot tall. He then reaches into his other pocket and produces a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, and the little man sits down at the piano and begins to play.

Well, I was amazed! “Where did you get that?” I ask.

He looks over at me and says, casually, “Oh, from my genie.”

“You have a genie? As in grants wishes and stuff?”

“That’s right.”

“Wow, can I have a wish?”

“Sure.” And he passes me an antique bottle. I begin to rub on it, and sure enough, a genie pops out. I think for a moment…“Okay, genie, I wish for…a million bucks!”

POOF! All of a sudden, the bar is filled with ducks! Ducks everywhere—on the floor, on the bar, on the rafters, out in the street—a million ducks!

“Hey, what gives?” I ask the guy. “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
.
.
.
.
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The guy rolls his eyes, and says, “Tell me about it, fella. Do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

Damn, I love that one!:smiley:

86

OK, a longish one, but it made me chuckle…

A guy is just getting ready to leave the house for work when his wife says, “Honey, I don’t suppose you could look at my car tonight when you get home? It’s making a funny noise.” The husband just sneers at her and says, “Who do you think I am, a fucking mechanic?”, then walks out the door and goes to work.

Later that day, the woman tries to do some laundry, but realises that the washer isn’t working. So, she calls her husband at work, and tells him that it’s broken. He rolls his eyes and says to her, "Who do you think I am, the fucking Maytag man?, then hangs up the phone.

That evening, the husband gets home from work and hears the washer purring away in the laundry room. He asks his wife, “Hey, who fixed the washer?” She replies, “I called the Maytag man, and he came out and fixed it. He also took a look at my car while he was here, and sorted that, too!”

“So, how much did all this cost me?” he asks his wife. “Oh, nothing,” she replies. “He said I could repay him either by baking him a cake, or having sex with him.”

“So, what sort of cake did you bake him,” he enquires.

She snaps back, “Who do you think I am, Betty fucking Crocker?”

87

I can’t tell my favorite joke because it involves a visual effect, but these are pretty good, IMO.

What did the prostitute say to the leper?
Thanks for the tip.

This drunk runs into the bar and is quite obviously frantic. He dashes up to the bartender and asks him: “Quick, how tall is a penguin?!”
The bartender is puzzled and says: “A penguin? You mean one of those birds down in Antarctica?”
The drunk says:“Yeah, how tall are they?”
Bartender: “Well, I’m not an expert, but I think they’re two or three feet tall. Why?”
Drunk:“You mean they’re not five or six feet tall?”
Bartender: “Yeah, they’re smaller than that.”
The drunk collapses against the bar and says: “O my God, I just ran over a couple of nuns.”

This man is visiting the waterfront area of San Francisco and he sees a quaint little curio shop. He goes inside and finds a beautiful gold statue of a large rat. The thing is perfect, so exquisitely made that it should be in the Smithsonian, and it looks lifelike except for being gold. The man asks the elderly Chinese gentleman who is running the shop how much the statue costs:
The shopkeeper replies: “The statue costs only $15, but you must pay $500 to hear the story of the statue.”
The man thinks “To hell with the story” and buys the statue for $15.
He goes out in the streets and, after a few minutes, he hears skittering noises behind him. He looks around and there a few rats following him down the street.
He thinks nothing of it, but looks again a few minutes later and there are hundreds of rats. He gets nervous and begans walking quickly. However, he looks back and sees thousands of rats on the streets, and they are beginning to show their fangs.
The man panics and runs like hell, but when he looks over his shoulder he sees even more rats, and then they start nipping at his heels.
He dashes out onto a quay and climbs up on a pole. By now, billions of rats are covering the quay; I mean every rat in San Francisco is after him. The man is terrified of the rats and afraid that he will not be able to hang on any longer. In desperation, he throws the statue of the rat into the ocean and all the rats dive off the pier and drown.
The man climbs back down and returns to the mysterious curio shop.
The shopkeeper says: “Ah, now you want to hear the story behind the statue?”
The man replies: “No, do you have a statue of a lawyer?”

88

Reminds me of the one about the prostitute in the leper colony–she made a lot of money at first, but then her business fell off.

89

The priest was cleaning up his little church outside of Dublin when he heard a noise at the door. A couple of leprechauns were standing in the doorway, looking uneasy.

“Can I help ye, me sons?” the priest asked.

“Er…father. Are there any leprechaun nuns in this parish?” asked one of the leprechauns.

It was a weird question, but not the weirdest the priest had ever heard. “No, me son. There are no leprechaun nuns in this parish.”

“Father, are there any leprechaun nuns in Ireland?”

“No, no, there are no leprechaun nuns in Ireland.”

“Father,” said the leprechaun, looking distressed, “Are there leprechaun nuns anywhere in the world?”

“I’m sorry, me son,” said the puzzled priest. “There are no leprechaun nuns anywhere in the world.”

At this, the other leprechaun burst out laughing. “Ha!” he shouted. “I TOLD ye ye fucked a penguin!”

90

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. The light bulb must contain the seeds of its own revolution.

Q. How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.

Q. How many fundies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. (suspiciously) The Bible doesn’t say ANYTHING about light bulbs!

Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. That’s not funny.

Daniel

91

Hey - Does ANYONE know how this joke continues:

As near as I can tell, John Hughes (or whomever wrote the script) created the intro to this joke just to piss me off, 'cause if this is a real joke, I can’t find it anywhere.

thank you in advance for your continuing support,
Jon

92

This whole thread reminds me of a good one:

A traveller walks into a bar in an unfamiliar small town. A bunch of locals are sitting in the corner. One says, “23!” and everyone laughs.
Another says “54!” and everyone laughs.

The guy asks the bartender, “hey, what are they doing?”
Bartender says, “They’ve all lived here so long, they know all each other’s jokes. So they numbered them, and now they only ahve to say the number, and everone knows which joke they’re telling.”

The guy says, “neat, let me try… 67!” there is an uncomfortable silence. “er… 17!” another uncomfortable silence. Then one of the locals leans to another and says, “Man… some people just can’t tell a joke.”

93

The joke about the Penguins and the soap is made to whoosh people. A lot of people say it just to laugh at the people who laugh at the joke when it makes no sense or watch them suffer while trying to figure it out.

I heard the version where everything is the same except that the last line is “No soap radio” rather than I’m not a microwave.

Everyone on this board always refers to the Purple Ping Pong joke. What is it? I can’t find it anywhere on the board.

94

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Thirteen; any one can do it, but you know at least a dozen are gong to write a paper on the socio-political and economic implications of the act.

And psychiatrist?

One, but thr light-bulb has to want to change.

And economist?
None; they just assume the lightbulb has been changed.

95

Me: Knock Knock

You: Who’s there?

Me: I’m a pile up.

You: I’m a pile up who?

Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself.

(read this one out loud to yourself if it makes no sense)

This lady goes into a church and says “Priest, I want to marry this mushroom” the preist says “why the hell would you want to marry a mushroom” and she says, I dunno, he’s a fungi.

96

There was a woman who had a terrible problem with gas. She was embarrassed to go anywhere because she was always farting. She tried everything to correct the problem–medications, both OTC and prescription, dietary changes, herbs, you name it. But nothing helped. She begged her doctor to find someone who could help her–maybe there was some new kind of treatment that only a specialist would know about. He did some research and finally told her that there was a doctor who seemed to have some success in treating severe cases such as hers. He gave her the information and she made the appointment.

When she got to the specialist’s, he performed a detailed exam, and asked if she had tried this treatment or that one, to which she always said yes, she had. Finally the doctor shook his head and left the room, saying that he would return shortly. When he returned he had a stick about the length and width of a broom handle and on the end was a medium-sized hook. The woman swallowed hard and fearfully asked, “What are you going to do with THAT?” He replied, “What do you think? I’m going to prop open a window–it stinks in here!”

97

Holy sh*t!!! Talking lions!!! :eek:
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment” So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?” So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?” So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. “Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?” The rancher is gettin pretty p.o.'d by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nice mouf, can I see her twat?” Totally po’d at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”

98

Ok, here’s mine:

Two cannibals are dining on a corpse. One starts at the north end and the other at the south end.

The cannibal that started at the head asks his dining companion how things are going. The companion replies, “I’m having a ball” to which his friend replies, “Slow down.”

99

And for our friend who asked for fart jokes, here’s one my momma taught me when I was in the third grade:

A man was having terrible, terrible gas. It was ripe and fruity and loud – every time he farted, it made this terrible sound, like “HONNNN-DAAA!”

Worse, he had a sore in his mouth, and just before he passed gas, the sore would tingle something awful. He had to go to the doctor.

Well, the doctor examined him head to, uh, tail, and finally put down his stethoscope and faced the man. “What is it, doc?” the man said. “What’s wrong with me?”

“It’s simple,” the doctor answered. “Abscess makes the fart go honda.”

100

Two budgerigars sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”